Substitution

I gave up pop (again) for Lent this year, and as adamant as I am that this self-imposed ban will continue far past Easter Sunday, my body is oh so confused. And a little resentful.

Heather's Body: "HEY! Where's my daily intake of superfluous sugar? Give me SUGAR!!!!!"

Heather: "Cool out, body. We're being healthy and drinking delicious water with an occasional Vitamin Water thrown in the mix."

Heather's Body: "NOT ENOUGH SUGAR. NEED SUGAR. MAAARRRRHHHHWWW!"

Heather: "Oh. My God. Seriously, you need to CHILL. *cough**jackass**cough*."

Heather's Body: "What did you say?"

Heather: "Huh? What? Nothing."

Heather's Body: "Whatever. Here's what we're going to do. Are you listening? STOP DRINKING THAT WATER! Listen. We're going to go down to the CVS and buy the most giantest, most insanely sized Nestle's Crunch candy bar that we can FIND. And then we're going to eat it in under ninety seconds. Now, PAY ATTENTION and get your wallet."

Heather: "Right, but doesn't that completely negate this healthy thing we've got going on right now?"

Heather's Body: "Ha! Of course not. Next thing you're going to say is that everyone at Trader Joe's is conspiring against you and hiding all of the edamame when they see you coming. Which is just... silly. C'mon! Let's go to CVS! You need saline solution anyway..."

Heather: "Okay, but no candy bars."

Heather's Body: "*cough**that's what you think**mwah ha ha**cough*."

Heather: "What?"

Heather's Body: "Nothing."