Sunday, March 01, 2015

Dump Cakes?

I don't know what that is, and I don't care to find out. 
-Lucille Bluth

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Judgmental Cars

I suppose that it was fitting that my little baby Focus would flip to 100,000 miles on the same day that I traded her in for a younger, prettier model. Basically, I am a rich dude having a mid-life crisis.

Yes, I was driving when I took the picture. What, did you think that I would do the responsible thing and pull over? 100,001 is not the same as 100,000. IT'S JUST NOT.

(Also, like I could ever get that car to 140 mph. It would have blown the fuck up at 110.)

So here's the new (used) car! It's... another Focus. But it's shiny! And has leather interior and a connection for my iPod! Tori Amos whenever I want. THAT'S THE DREAM.

Maybe someday there will be a time without snow...

I LOVE this car. A 2011, it handles SO much better than the 2007. I don't think that I'll ever have a large car, just because I am so used to zipping around and parking pretty much anywhere. 


This is the most judgmental car in the FUCKING WORLD. It has some pre-sets that are really getting my my nerves. For example, when I took it on the expressway for the first time, I heard a dinging. I looked down to see:

I was on the expressway. The expressway that has a speed limit of 70 mph. Which I was going.

(Also, Kari thinks that my dashboard looks like it's in Top Gun. I think that it's the colors...)

But the condescending judgmentalism gets better!

I think that the "speed limit" is an adorable suggestion, and most people in Michigan would agree. I usually drive somewhere closer to 80 mph because... I have places to be! If my car can get me there faster, I am going to drive faster. 

Now, you're probably thinking, "Jeez damn, I'm sure glad I don't live in Michigan with a menace like her on the road." And you would probably be correct in your assessment. I mean, I took these pictures with my phone while driving.

Anyway, I had to pass some dipshit, and I hear the dinging again:

What? I wasn't even to 80 mph! Top speed my ass!

Does anyone know how to break into the car's computer? Is that even a thing?

Thursday, January 15, 2015


Holy shitsnacks, it's 2015!

Yes, I am fully aware that I completely dropped the ball on this blog for the last half of last year, but I don't care! I got a new job and I suddenly CARED about what I was doing and didn't have time to be witty and clever!

(WHICH REMINDS ME. There is a new Jurassic Park movie coming out this year. MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAURS, BITCHES!)

Also, this is my eleventh year of blogging. You'd think that I would tire of hoping that more than six people would read my ramblings, but I haven't. NOT YET.

So I still have time to be witty and clever, but I don't want it to get in the way of my addiction to the bingo app that I downloaded to my phone. Or jigsaw puzzles. God, I love puzzles.