He Didn't Even Have to Say Anything This Time

Awwwww!

Mike left earlier in the day for [insert Midwestern state here], and I found this on the table when I got home from work.   

It now lives in my wallet so that I can see it every day.

We Went to the Farm and Named a Goat

So we have these friends who have a ton of land and just happen to own farm animals. It's a pretty sweet set-up, if you don't mind shoveling cow shit day in and day out.  They have goats for fun and chickens for fun and profit (eggs!), and two cows that they are raising until... well, until they get hungry.

So there's that.

The cows and one of the goats are extremely sociable.  They have personality for days, and they have names.  The other goats?  A bunch of dicks.  They won't let anyone come near them, they run about in a herd, and they just loll about the fields like self-righteous assholes.  So their human owners don't go near them and didn't even bother with names.  Because they're a bunch of dicks.

But the dick-goats are fairly attuned to the workings of the day.  They are let out of the barn in the morning time, and instinctively know when to head back to the barn in the evening.  Last weekend, that's exactly what they did.  However, when the goats went into the barn on Friday night, there were four of them.  In the morning, five came out.  Well, four and a half.

BABY GOAT.

And thus my story actually has a purpose!

We were invited over for dinner and were given the important responsibility of naming the baby goat.  We settled on Jasper.  Mike got into the pen and held him and I petted him, and the name just came to me. I don't know why.  Perhaps from a 30 Rock episode...

He looks just like his mom, who technically does have a name: White Face.

BABY GOAT OMG.

WHITE FACE AND JASPER OMG.

We were sent home with leftovers from dinner and about two dozen fresh farm eggs.  The next morning, I asked Mike, "Are you going to want to eat these eggs?"  His reply?

"I don't know.  I know the chickens.  So it's weird."

I totally get what he means.

Phone Etiquette

"I'm convinced that when you call me and I don't answer, you hang up the phone, throw it, and run in the opposite direction."

My office is in the basement of the museum, and there is absolutely no cell phone reception. If I want to make a call, I have to haul my ass upstairs, wait for my phone to realize that it's above ground, and then call. I can't stand around in the fucking lobby all day, so if he doesn't answer, I leave a voicemail (sometimes) and go back to work.

Also, he is infinitely busier than I am at work. Even when he's working from home, I'm lucky if he even answers the phone when I call. We're not one of those couples who call each other all the damn time, but I had a very important story to tell him, and it was necessary. God.

I think that it was about... birds. Or possibly sandwiches.

So he calls me back within a few minutes, but I am already in the bowels of the museum and have no reception. Hence today's quote.

Maybe It's Because They Don't Get Out Much

Remember how I am totally batshit insane? In that Mike and I have stuffed animals and we create lives and backstories for them? Well, when Mike travels for work, I always sneak an animal or two into his suitcase. Then he sends me amusing pictures from the hotel. The latest? Mr. Happy Dinosaur and Grant inspect the desk in the hotel:

"They have never seen a phone like this before..."

Should I Be Worried?

Me: Merrick's in Brazil right now, isn't that cool?
BF: That's a non-extradition country.
Me: How do you know that?
BF: Might come in handy someday.

Comparison

While reading Catching Fire, the second book in The Hunger Games trilogy:

BF: "I really like these books. Reading those fucking hobbit books was like work, only worse."

I Used Too Much Mustard

After making deviled eggs:

BF: "It smells like stank. Can we put them outside?"

It Could Have Happened on Saved By the Bell, I'm Sure

Me: "Oh, fantastic. I have a huge zit between my eyes."
BF: "Oh no! And the prom is tomorrow!"

(Actually, didn't Kelly get a zit before some contest that involved a tiara? And she was convinced that no one would vote for her since she was "hideous?" And all of her friends put on fake zits or something to mend her self-esteem (which apparently wasn't very high, even considering she was pretty and popular and a cheerleader AND a singer in a girl group called Hot Sundae?) I'M so excited, Kelly! And I just can't hide it!)

To Be Honest, I Don't Really Know Who She Is, Either

BF: Who's Ashley Tisdale?
Me: She was in all kinds of Disney stuff.
BF: She looks like the Joker.

As I was about to post this, Mike glanced over and asked, "Who's that?" I scrolled down and he re-read his musings.

"She does look like the Joker. I stand by my original statement."

He's a Bit Impatient Sometimes

"The George Foreman grill. What a rip-off. I used it like, once, but then it took me forever to clean the fucking thing. If it's supposed to be such a time-saver, I should be able to put it in the dishwasher."

Golf Cart Love

Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

THE GOGGLES THEY DO NOTHING.

Me: "Were you speaking parseltongue in the bathroom last night?
BF: "Depends. Was I drunk?"
Me: "Yes."
BF: "Then probably."

"Rawr!"

HOLY SHITBALLS. I just did a google image search for "parseltongue," and this was the first image returned. It's... definitely NSFW, and it's most definitely fucked up. I don't know what kind of fanfic that it belongs under, but WHAT THE HELL? Oh my God, my eyes.

In His Defense, He Was Stuck in the Same Position For Years...

While watching The Wizard of Oz:
"I hate the Tin Man. He's a fucking asshole."

(He does have a point.)

The Pope Must Be Very Comfortable

BF: "Right now, you have a pillow collection to rival that of the Vatican."
Me: "What?"
BF: "Have you ever been to the Vatican, honey?"
Me: "Nope."
BF: "There are over two hundred pillows per person at the Vatican."

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

After seeing The Dark Knight:

BF: "Would you still be with me if I started painting my face like the Joker?"
Me: "Sure. If you were still you."
BF: " What if I started acting like him, but was totally nice and sweet to you?"
Me: "Well maybe. There would have to be exceptions, though."
BF: "No exceptions."
Me: "Well, as long as I didn't have to hear about what you're doing."
BF: "You don't understand. I would NEED the newspapers."
Me: "Well that's true."
BF: "NOW, we're getting somewhere..."

Expecto Patronum!

In the middle of the night:

Me: "When I can't fall back asleep, I try to think of something happy."
BF: "No, that's for when you fly. Or when fighting Dementors."

Now I'm Getting Hungry

BF: Arby's has exceptionally good food with exceptionally weird prices. It's like, "you want a roast beef sandwich? Okay, that will be $2.79. Oh, you want five? That'll be five bucks."

How to Eat Venison

Phase 1: Kill a deer or have someone kill a deer for you

Phase 2: ...

Phase 3: Profit

But really, I am lucky to have a friend in Tim the Hunter (ooh, like Orion!), who also happens to be married to my darling Emily. When I was leaving their house after a fun weekend in Holland, they opened up the freezer and filled a bag of fun for me (for Mike, really). I drove home with a menagerie of frozen animals in the back seat. Well, I think just elk and deer, but still.

I made the venison steaks for Mike the other night. I took pictures of the meal, but honestly? I don't want to share them. They don't make the venison look very good, and it tasted good, but I still don't want you people judging me. Plus, the homemade mashed potatoes with roasted garlic were a fucking disaster because I wasn't paying attention and completely over-boiled them.

(Have you ever roasted a head of garlic? DELICIOUS.)

But still - that was my first foray into the cuisine of the forest, and my first taste of game. It was good!

Also, a bonus:

BF: Will you make me some more venison?
Me: Well, honey, we're out of venison. How about some elk?
BF: Venison. Go get me a buck.
Me: Are bucks better?
BF: Lesbian deer are better.
Me: Of course they are.

He Does Have a Point

After seeing this World Wildlife Fund commercial starring Noah Wyle:

BF: "I would save polar bears if I felt like polar bears wanted to save me."
Me: "They would eat you."
BF: "Exactly, so fuck 'em."

The Donut Debut of "Things My Boyfriend Says"

For over two years now, I've be quite aware that I am in a committed relationship with one of the funniest men I have ever met. Okay, THE funniest. (And I'm not just saying that for brownie points, sweetie. I mean it.)

The man makes me laugh like a psychopath about the smallest, most insignificant things, and always knows how to break the tension when it comes to my moods. Shudder.

So for the past two years or so, I've been recording some of the things that he says. Mostly for me, but also because I really think that they need to be shared.

I also realize that I am contributing to the size of his ego, of course. Anyway, without further ado, Things My Boyfriend Says, Volume One:

While watching golf:
Announcer, commenting on a long drive: "It doesn't have to look pretty, it just has to be effective."
Boyfriend: "Like a hooker."