Friday, November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving is Tiring, You Guys

Oh Holy Baby Jesus, Thanksgiving came and went, and lo, it was awesome. Let me tell you about it.

First, there was the turkey. A massive 22-pound bitch of a turkey, which took over FOUR DAYS to thaw, including an overnight bath in the set tub in the laundry room. That's sanitary, right?

Heather almost dropped me on her foot.

And then there was the stuffing for the mother bitch bird. I had to TRIPLE my mother's recipe, which meant I cubed three whole loaves of bread. It's a good thing that I don't have a life, let me tell you, because my perfectionism sure as hell didn't allow me to fly through this step.

That's a roasting pan. Full of perfectly cubed bread.

Then came time to add the remaining ingredients to the massive amount of bread cubes. Onions, celery, and BUTTER. I am not going to tell you how much butter ended up in that pot, because you will no longer have to wonder about my weight. It's not a thyroid problem, people. It's Thanksgiving stuffing.

It was a butter stew, basically.

This is what a triple recipe of stuffing looks like, with sage, thyme, salt, pepper, and of course, BUTTER.

I am going to be honest and tell you that some of that stuffing never made it into the bird. Or the oven.

It was finally time to stuff the bird and throw her in the oven, and much to my dismay, the inner, um... cavity... was not very large. Plus, whoever packaged this whore bird for sale sloppily removed the neck and whatnot, resulting in a turkey that now had a vag where the neck once was.

It was obscene, is what I'm saying.

The mighty vag-bird!

She went in upside-down, as is my super-secret method for awesomeness.

And then, five and a half hours later, she emerged.

Perfectly cooked vag-bird.

Oh, and even though I made delicious cranberry sauce from scratch, my mother FORCED me to serve... this:

I was so embarrassed, oh my God.
And you should have heard the sound it made when it came out of the can.

Then it was Friday, and I stayed in bed. ALL DAY. Apparently I can no longer handle hostessing duties with the same enthusiasm as I did when I was twenty-five and still expect to be physically mobile the following day.

I did make stock with the carcass, though. It took hours, but I'm hoping that it was worth it. It's in the freezer right now, waiting for me to regain strength and actually want to cook again.

Onions and carrots and carcass! (Oh my!)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

An Ode to Leggings

Oh leggings, you are the bane of my existence
You are unforgiving and cruel, thin and sometimes baggy.
You are plastered to the legs of everyone around
Clingy and annoying and leaving nothing to the imagination.
I have realized.
You are so comfortable.
You are so freeing.
My over-sized sweater hides my crotchly area.
Why have I resisted for so long?

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Have Strange Memories

Is it weird that when I was getting dressed this morning, I thought to myself, "Hey! I got this pair of panties at Macy's after Northwest lost my bag on Christmas Eve?"

I know where and when I acquired all of my underthings. I love shopping for underthings. UNDERTHINGS! Seriously, it is the most fun. They are pretty and girly and when they're on sale it's like Christmas.

Oh, and I have a pair of panties that I bought in Marks and Spencer in London when Continental sent my bag to Florida instead of Gatwick. So there's that.

Hmmm. It seems that airlines are fully connected to my choice of underthings. But I never would have purchased said underthings (at the airlines' expense!), if not for the incompetence of said airlines, so perhaps I should be thanking them? THANK YOU FOR MY UNDERWEARS, AIRLINES!

Did I just write an entire post about my underwear?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

T-giving Countdown

For the first time since 2007, I am cooking Thanksgiving Dinner. And I am SO EXCITED.

When I lived in DC, I hosted many a dinner for my friends, and I loved every minute. Maybe it's because I just love being a hostess, but loving to cook helped, too.

So this year, Mike suggested that we host Thanksgiving. I was expecting a little push-back, but once I heard my mom's reaction you would have thought that I had just told her that she won the lottery or something.

She's been making T-giving dinner since, I don't know... the 90s or something. She teaches ten year-old little fuckers, and then makes food for three days straight. Her Thanksgiving "break?" 100% exhausting and not really much fun for her.

(Oh, and the principal just hired at her school? Younger than ME. Let's just say it's like she has another ten year-old to deal with every day. The woman is STRESSED, is what I'm saying.)

So I offered to make everything - except for the pies and the gravy, that is. She's the pie master, and my last five attempts at gravy resulted in some pretty inedible creations.

So here is where the fun begins:

Shopping cart of AWESOME.

My mom, Kari, and I hit up the grocery store today at 8:00 in the morning. And let me tell you, the grocery store is one of my favorite places on Earth, but at 8:00 a.m. on a Sunday? HEAVEN. Even with four days to go until Thanksgiving, there was NO ONE THERE. It was brilliant. Just brilliant.

Thursday cannot come soon enough. Hee!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I think that I found my Christmas cards:

Thanks, Urban Outfitters!
And Merry Christmas to all!