Friday, May 22, 2009

Oh, This Is Just Fan-fucking-tastic, Isn't It?

Running late - again - this morning, I rushed out the door and decided that I had to drive or I'd be super evil late, not just sort of late. I actually got into my car, shut the door, and started the engine before I realized that something was amiss. When I proceeded to check for cars, errant children, or devil cats, I realized that I couldn't see the street.

So I got out of the car and kind of just stared at it for a while. What the fuck? What's the next step? Who do I call? Can I drive like this, or am I staring down another ticket? (Oh, yeah - I got a $50 parking ticket on Tuesday for being parked in front of my house during street maintenance at which they did nothing but clean the street. Clean the street? You douchenuts can't be fucked to plow two feet of snow off of my street in January, but you can ticket me for being in the way of sprayed water? SUCK IT, CITY.)

All of a sudden, Neighbor Bob comes shuffling outside in his slippers, apologizing. Backing into his driveway last night, something he's done for Lord knows how many years, he heard a distinct "pop!" and realized that he'd maimed my little red plastic car.

And I? Don't really care. I think that it's hilarious.

We hot-glued it back into position, and I am trying to be careful to avoid extremely bumpy areas of streets. I can't wait for it to fall off when I'm on the expressway or something.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Not exactly like Liz Lemon's flee to the Cleve, but these are absolutely amazing:

"At least we're not Detroit!"

"We're not Detroit!"

Saturday, May 16, 2009


I did not win millions at the casino. I did watch Mike play poker, and it was hot.

I also managed to hold on to a little money. And I do mean little:

I am amazing at games of chance. Really, take me to the casino with you and let me gamble with your money. I will leave you destitute. It will be fun!

Entering the main casino floor was both intimidating and painful. Intimidating because it was loud, smoky, and obnoxiously bright. Painful because I slipped on the stupid stone tiles and bruised my knee. It's still really gross, in case you were wondering.

I seriously had no idea what to do or where to start. I'm sure that had I stared at the machines long enough, I would have eventually figured them out, but I was completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. Though he'd never played the slots, Mike got me started at the nickel slots, and we blew through twenty bucks pretty quickly. We were playing some bizarre game that required that we choose lines of pictures or something and then some would match and some wouldn't and sometimes we'd win and sometimes we wouldn't and nothing made sense and after losing fifteen dollars, I was all, "Fuck this stupid game, it makes no sense, and I am seven seconds away from punching it in the nuts. Show me to a poker machine where I actually understand the rules."

I played a poker slot machine for a bit before abandoning my seat to watch Mike play real poker. It was pretty sweet. I spent half the time watching him and the other half completely enthralled by the various dealers. One dealer was this bad ass chick who didn't put up with the crazy drunkies and their swearing, and she handled the cards and chips with an expert touch. I watched Mike play through several dealers, and she was by far the coolest.

Mother's Day weekend ruined our dinner plans, as every casino restaurant was booked solid. With little to choose from in the vicinity, and because of me and my desire to avoid chain restaurants, we left Lone Star's parking lot and headed across the street to the something something Grill.

The verdict? I am no longer allowed to choose restaurants, as it ended up being the restaurant located in the Best Western hotel. It was as amazing as you can imagine. Mike enjoyed his chicken fingers, but I thoroughly detested the Asian Chicken salad that I reluctantly ordered. Why didn't I just settle on Lone Star? Mmmm... steak.

We returned to the casino, stopping for Coke on the way (apparently the casino was Pepsi-sponsored, from the bar to the casino floor to the hotel vending machines, which irritated me to no end). Mike played more poker, and I started to do pretty well on the quarter poker machines.

And then? All of a sudden? I was not doing so well, and my efforts resulted in the voucher you saw above. I went to find Mike, and happily realized that he was as exhausted as me.

It was midnight - which is way past our bedtime, by the way, because we are senior citizens (and apparently more senior citizeny than half of the predominately elderly gamblers at the casino, as it was still packed with walkers and oxygen machines when we left) - we headed back to the room. Well, we almost got there before I realized that I was pretty hungry after hating my dinner salad, so we stopped at the snack bar. I got a chili dog and water, and let me tell you something about that chili dog. It was seriously amazing.

And then I spotted the Holy Grail of midnight munching:

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Pie! Where have you been since high school? I used to LOVE these things, and the only place that had them was Burger King. And then stupid Burger King stopped selling them and lo, it was a sad day. But that night at the casino, it was there, I ate it, and it was delicious.

Anyway, it sounds like I did a lot of complaining, but really? I had a blast. I just liked being away with my sweetheart and I loved that he had a blast at the poker tables. I would totally go back - as long as I have someone else's money to lose. I can see how people get addicted - it was so easy to play just one more hand.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I Like the Orange Ones

addiction (noun): compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.

Thanks to my boyfriend, I cannot get enough Tic Tacs. (I don't understand it either, so don't try to figure me out.) I found these BIG PACKS at Target and it's been downhill ever since. The other flavors are no good, but the orange ones? DELICIOUS.

It's better than crack. Cheaper, too.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Motherfucking Squirrel is Back

"Hey, man. I'm a starling, and though annoying and territorial, I am still a better candidate for that suet. Because I am a BIRD, and you are a FAT ASS SQUIRREL who clearly does not need to chow down on food intended for BIRDS."

"Oh really, fool? Then why would the lady of the house place this lovely suet at such a convenient juncture? She already hung the feeder full of delectable seeds out of my reach (though I am sure to outsmart her soon enough), so this is payback. Just retreat from my dinner table. Away!"

"Ha! Now that the obnoxious iridescent bird is gone, I can gorge myself on this stuff. Nom, nom, nom. I wonder what it really is, anyway."

(Editor's note: Suet is raw beef or mutton fat, especially the hard fat found around the loins and kidneys. It is especially fattening, making it a good choice for birds in the colder months.)

"What? That's DISGUSTING."

"Nom, nom, nom."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And Now, An Installment of "The World Revolves Around ME!"

Bait: Ten dollars

Four forties of Miller High Life: Eight dollars

Skipping work to go fishing: Gutsy

Blocking traffic as you aimlessly load your crap into the car: Asinine

(Thanks to Mike for the picture and story. Also, I love that my boyfriend sends me blog fodder.)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

100 50 Things

I never got around to doing this for my one hundredth post, but would you settle for my nine hundredth post?

(I can't believe that this is my 900th post. I should have been out in the three dimensional world doing something interesting instead of writing about Virginia motorists or DC's Madame Tussaud's franchise).

So here are one hundred fifty things about me:

(I realized that I didn't even want to know 100 things about me, so I'm sure that you people don't either. Here are fifty instead. You're welcome.)

1. I am allergic to cats.
2. The clothes in my closet are arranged by color.
3. I drive at least ten mph faster than the speed limit.
4. I almost flunked calculus in college.
5. I am an avid bird watcher.
6. I wear a size four shoe.
7. I hate cooking on electric stoves.
8. I always wanted to be a counselor at a sleepaway camp.
9. I really miss DC's metro.
10. I eventually want children but am absolutely terrified to be pregnant.
11. I have stood up in the weddings of five friends/relatives. With another this summer!
12. I hated trying new cuisines until I moved to DC.
13. If I ever found them, I would spend hundreds of dollars on the perfect pair of jeans.
14. I drink too much Coca Cola.
15. I love my sister-in-law like she's my own sister.
16. I like apple cinnamon scented candles.
17. If my teenage self had had the discipline, I would have pursued ballet as a career.
18. I think designer purses are ugly.
19. I love the smell of used books.
20. I don't like getting flowers as a gift, but I love giving them.
21. I don't know what I'd do without my mom.
22. I procrastinate about ten times a day. This list has taken me a week to complete.
23. I've saved all of my National Geographic magazines since 2002.
24. I can find a Friends quote for any occasion.
25. I love Polish food, but I hate how long it takes to prepare.
26. I didn't do my taxes until April 13 this year.
27. I've had the same winter coat for six years.
28. Even knowing what I do now, I still wouldn't redo high school.
29. My favorite movies are all about princesses.
30. I interned and worked at the Smithsonian Institution.
31. Audrey Hepburn is my idol.
32. I don't think that one can ever have too many blankets.
33. I think my dad is the most intelligent person I've ever known.
34. I don't weigh enough to give blood.
35. Walking in the dense woods of northern Michigan is the closest I have ever felt to God.
36. I have a difficult time throwing things away.
37. I only applied to one college, and four years later to only one graduate school.
38. I love the Sherlock Holmes stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
39. My favorite mixed drink is an Amaretto Sour.
40. I love falling asleep during thunderstorms.
41. I have a BA in history with a minor in archaeology.
42. My favorite ice cream is peanut butter and chocolate.
43. I've visited the battlefields of Gettysburg more than five times.
44. I love cider and Guinness, but pretty much no other beer.
45. I am 50% Polish.
46. I own over 500 books.
47. I suffer from migraines.
48. I played the saxophone for seven years.
49. I first visited Europe when I was sixteen years old.
50. I fall more in love with my boyfriend every day.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Getting Lucky

Where am I going to be this weekend? Oh, I'm so glad that you asked. That was thoughtful!

Mike is taking me for little trip to Mount Pleasant where I am going to win millions at the fancy-schmancy casino.

I have never been to a casino. Okay, no - I have been to a casino, but it was only to see some band. Man, though... Atlantic City was trashy. Shudder.

But I've never gambled at a casino. I am planning on winning big with my beginner's luck and then eating at all of the restaurants on site. And I hear that there's a pool.

All I've ever really known of casinos is what I've seen on screen. I have a feeling that my experience will be like that of my ER visits. No sexy doctors at the hospital, and no sexy Brad Pitts or Casey Afflecks at the casino. I'm sure that I will see my fair share of sweet outfits, though, if my online search has proven truthful.

See, I'm just not a gambler. When one has limited funds, the idea of throwing it away on games of chance doesn't make much sense. But when one's generous boyfriend is supplying the quarters for the slot machines? That I can get behind. I don't plan on bringing anything else with me save my license and my trusty chapstick. I can't be tempted to play just one more hand or hit the button (I hear that the slot machines no longer have levers? What the shit is that about?) just one more time.

I am pumped to watch him play poker, though. I have a feeling that it's going to be kind of hot.

Friday, May 01, 2009

How Time Goes By

Tomorrow is Graduation Day here at the University of Michigan, and I had to count on TWO HANDS the number of years that have passed since I walked across the stadium grounds. I graduated from college seven years ago. Seven! And I finished graduate school five years ago. Five!

So many things have happened in my life since 2002.

I was blessed with two nieces. Two!

I moved to Washington, DC:

I made some amazing, wonderful friends.

I visited Kristen in London. Twice:

I interned and worked at the Smithsonian Institution:

I moved back to Michigan:

I went to California for the first time for my old roommate's wedding:

I visited my cousin in Arizona:

I stood up in five weddings:

My beautiful cousin, Holley
My friend for life, Kelly
My new sister, Kari
My darling Merrick
(And there's one other wedding, but it doesn't technically count, because the real one is this summer.)

And finally, I met the love of my life:

I know that all of my life choices brought me here, and I wouldn't change a thing. So on Graduation Day here in Ann Arbor, I am excited for those starting their journeys - I hope that their experiences are as wonderful as mine!