Friday, October 26, 2012

Deodorant Auditions

My deodorant has been discontinued, which I realize is a first-world problem and everything, and I should be bitching about the lack of affordable health care or whatever, but this is what is happening NOW. To ME.

I know that you're like me, because who switches deodorants when theirs hasn't been banished from the earth?  Only weirdos, that's who.  Since I was using Arrid for years, I haven't had to find a new one in... well, years.  So I headed to Target and the travel size section.

Oh, and also? I sweat like a prostitute in church.  So I need some heavy duty stuff.

First up: Degree Expert Protection Motion Sense:

Hello, Degree?  "Fresh Energy" scent?  FUCK OFF.  Your scent gave me such a headache that I don't even fucking remember if you kept me from sweating.  I don't remember!  YOU SUCK YOU GO TO HELL.

Next, Arrid Extra Extra Dry Solid:

This is the same one that I used to use, but in a different scent.  It is difficult to tell if it's for men or women, but since I'm not sweating through my shirts by 9 a.m., I think that it's a keeper for now.  I have a really bad feeling that this is going to be phased out, too, so I might go raid the mom and pop pharmacy where I found it and ask for whatever they have in the storeroom.


Randomly (but not so randomly, I guess, since we're related), my cousin Christin and I seem to have the same body chemistry.  We like the same perfumes in such a way that not only do they smell nice on each of us, but they smell exactly the same on each of us.  Which is weird, right?

Anyway, whenever I find a perfume that I like, I go to Sephora and lie about never trying it so that I can get a sample and send it to her. And then she likes it, too and we dance about merrily.  Well, I do.  She lives in Arizona now, so I can't be sure if she also dances.

But I think that she does.

So I called her this weekend to ask her about her deodorant.  As you do.  Her answer, "Well, I used to use Arrid, but I can't find it anymore."


How strange is that, seriously?  Family blood and whatnot. Ew.

Right, so...

Those are the only two I've tried so far, which I realize does not translate to a fair and balanced contest, but still.   Christin just texted me that she tried Suave 24 hour protection invisible solid and that is was, "not bad," so that's a possible future contender.

Or I could just go back to nature.

Monday, October 15, 2012

To-go List

So remember how I have three nieces?  Here's some proof:

Steve, Savannah, Haley, Alexis, and Kari

There are three, and they are all beautiful and perfect. My brother and Kari are cool too, I suppose.

Well, the third one was baptized the other weekend and it was a lovely affair.  We had the church to ourselves, Mike only made me laugh a few times, and no one dropped anything.  And Haley didn't make a sound.

It was back to my brother and sister-in-law's for the after-party, and that was also fun, even with all of the yelling at the Lions. And the baby slept through it all.

At one point, I was looking for something (Lord only knows what), and I found a note with both Steven and Kari's handwriting.  Clearly, it was a list of things to remember in order to go somewhere, and it cracked me up, mostly because if the randomness:

Steve wanted to remember clothes, a hot pocket (did they forget it?  It wasn't crossed out!  We'll never know!), and pop tarts.  Kari added the breast milk.  And I laughed like an idiot.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I Made a Fucking Pot Roast

Step One:
Stuff that motherfucker with garlic cloves.

Step Two:
Sear on each side for 4-6 minutes a side.

Step Three:
Add water. Reduce heat. Cover.

Step 4:
Cook for three hours, adding water when necessary because that shit will boil down, I'm telling you.

Step 5:
Eat that motherfucker.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Free Water = Free Candy. Wait, What?

There is a grocery-type shop in the basement of the Union on campus (when I was a student, it was a student travel agency, but whatever), and they sell all manner of things.  The pre-made sandwiches are pretty amazing, and they carry a ton of Michigan-made products.

They also have a small bulk food section in the back of the store.  THIS WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER.

The student government at U of M has taken it upon themselves to lobby for the University to ban the sale of bottled water on campus.  The University won't ban it entirely, but they compromised by installing "Refill Stations" all over campus.  They're pretty cool, actually.  The grocery-type shop has one, too, and they want to reward people for using it.

Step 1: Refill your water bottle for free
Step 2: Get a stamp/punch each time
Step 3: Do this ten times
Step 4: Get a free half-pound bag of bulk candy (or granola, if you're a hippie)

AWESOME, right?

I only have three punches so far, but I am SO getting some chocolate covered pretzels, you guys.  They will be my reward for drinking water instead of Coke.


Cut to the other weekend, when I took Mike to a bulk food store.  Apparently, he had never set foot in one before, and he acted like... well, a kid in a candy store.

Thirty-five bucks later, Mike was happy.  And SUPER high on sugar.  I will need to get him some water.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Remember Video Stores?

It wasn't every weekend, but my parents indulged my brother and me with VHS rentals fairly often.  It was cheaper than going out to dinner or to Chuck E. Cheese or whatever (though at least my mom could kick back with a cheap chardonnay at Chuck's while we ran around like psychopaths and pretended not to be completely terrified of the animatronic band of wannabe Muppets).  

The rental place near us charged only 50 cents per movie, and they had a huge selection.  (Blockbuster eventually led to the demise of that place with more titles and video games.  Sadly.)

We normally gravitated toward the cartoons and G-rated crap, and every so often we were allowed to get something PG.  I remember us being obsessed with a collection of Christmas cartoons that were definitely off-brand and definitely strange.

I used to see the same titles all the time, but I never once picked them up.  Probably because we were renting Overboard.  God, I loved Overboard.

Ahhhhhhhh! Joanna was such a bitch!  She was the best!

But anyway, there were a ton of movies that I passed once a week.  They always intrigued me, but I never even picked them up to read the back.  For example:

Given my generation's obsession with 90210, how on earth did I never rent this film?  Luke Fucking Perry? A lesser Baldwin brother?  I almost want to watch it now just to judge its ridiculousness. 

I'm guessing that he needs to win a bull-riding competition to like, save his family's ranch or something, and there's a girl he likes but she's stuck in a horrible relationship with the rich landowner's son and they're trying to buy Luke's family's ranch to build a mini mall or a new well for the town.  But in the end love prevails? OF COURSE IT DOES.

This one.  God.  I couldn't stop staring at the cover.  All I wanted to know was how her hair was possibly long enough to make it into a noose. So in this film, clearly there is a killer, but the killer totally has a TWIN and the TWIN is actually the crazy one.  And somebody dies getting strangled to death with that amazing noose-braid.  Otherwise, why even bother getting the hairdresser out of bed that day?  And then it's all a joke? APRIL FOOLS!

And then there's this:
What the hell?  Who made this the picture for the rental?  And Ryan O'Neal?  Really?  Did you spend all of the residuals from Love Story that fast?  Now that I am not ten years old, I can tell that her ass skin isn't really showing, but when I was ten years old, I couldn't understand what was going on.  Did people really wear pants like that?  Why? Were they comfortable? Wasn't she cold?  Where is her shirt?  WHAT IS GOING ON???!?!

So I miss video rental stores, mainly because it was an experience.  You could find the latest releases, but you could also find INSANE movies like these that the owners clearly got for free when ordering twenty-five copies of Back to the Future.  

Monday, October 01, 2012

My Craziness Abounds

While Liz Lemon does everything that Oprah tells her to do, I pretty much do whatever Real Simple magazine tells me to do.  

Case in point: In the bathroom, you should keep items like cotton balls, q-tips, and the like in clear containers so that you know when you're running low.


Thanks to Ikea, my spirit animal, I picked up these jars.  I think that they are meant for kitchen use, and I do have many of them in the kitchen holding pasta and lentils and whatnot, but they work here.  Quite well.

So there they are, hanging out on the toilet tank (don't judge me - it's not the biggest bathroom in the world), waiting to be used.

But here's a secret: I'm crazy.  Well, perhaps not a total secret, but here's the thing...

I noticed that I was getting low on cotton rounds and q-tips, so I made my purchases and brought them home.  Now, a normal person would immediately refill the jars, right?  Not me.

I can't do that because I haven't used the others completely.  

You might think, oh that's normal.  That makes sense.  She's not crazy.  BUT WAIT.

I haven't refilled the jars yet because if I did, the older ones would still be on the bottom, and may never get used, and I don't want to hurt their feelings.