It Was Like a Gory, Nasty, Super Bad Horror Movie, But Grosser

Right, so I wasn't going to write about this, because while I'm crude sometimes, I rarely cross the line. That line being a line so disgusting that you'll have to take a shower after crossing said line.

But then, I thought, "It's a good story. It's super gross, but it's a good story. Why should I deprive people of a good story?"

Squeamish people had best do something else now. I know, go here! Pretty!

I am not kidding - you've been warned.

I've written about the bathroom at work, and at the time, I was being kind. I didn't tell you about what I saw on the stall door then, and I won't now (although, once this is over, it won't really matter. So maybe I will. Nothing will phase you then, trust me). I left out other details, other little stories because that line? So nasty! But from now on it's caution to the wind around here!

Like, the toilets are constantly backed up. Or that the water smells of sulphur so badly that I'm forced to rewash my hands in the sink in our kitchen. Or that the little receptacles in the stalls for women's, um... stuff, are rarely emptied.

Now that you've been properly introduced to the bathroom here, let's start this story with the fact that I drink a LOT of water. During a normal workday, I think that I head to the bathroom about six or seven times. Last Thursday, it was on, oh, trip number five that I unknowingly walked into something out of a horror movie.

As soon as I opened the bathroom door, the stench hit my nostrils. It was bad. It wasn't outhouse-bad (which isn't all that awful, in my opinion, just stale), oh no. It was as if something was trying to crawl up into my nose and rip it apart from the inside out. Explode!

So, it smelled the complete opposite of nice. Is what I'm saying.

I gingerly, very carefully, and very slowly peered around the corner into the first stall.

And, it was quite the assault on the senses.

Has anyone ever told you that a thought or sight made them "throw up in their mouth?" Well, it's not just an expression anymore. That's what happened.

There was, ahem, shit everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It was covering the back wall behind the toilet, it was piled (piled!) on the floor, and even the toilet paper dispenser was practically hidden from view.

I stared in disbelief for what must have been a few seconds, but it seemed like much, much longer. I think that I was trying to ascertain whether this had been an accident, or if someone had purposefully done this. Like art!

I hightailed it back to my office and immediately told the secretary about the situation. She didn't believe me, which was awesome. THANKS. I calmly walked into our director's office and saw that she was, unfortunately, eating lunch.

Heather: "Um, Cathi? Yeah, there's something not so good in the bathroom."

Cathi: "What did the damn bathroom do now?"

(Note: Cathi is awesome. She calls me "baby" and "boo" and I love it. I wish that she was my boss...)

Heather: "Well, you're eating."

Cathi: "Nah, nothing bothers me."

So I proceeded to tell her the situation and she was intrigued - she just had to see for herself. She was convinced that someone had just taken a "colon cleanse" and had a little "emergency."

Perhaps I hadn't explained it properly?

Either way, she was appalled. And really angry. The building manager got an earful.

What I'm guessing is that the pipe burst, but as I know absolutely nothing about plumbing, I'm not going to make an official declaration here. We have heard nothing from the building people, and I doubt we will. They kind of suck.

And as a side note: I briefly considered taking a picture, but I would never have been able to post it here. It was seriously horrific. You're just going to have to take my word on the matter.

Anyway. Gross!

Oh, and that other time? The back of the stall door was smeared with blood. The female kind of blood. You know what I'm saying.

My question is, how? How on earth did that get there? And why oh why oh why was it not cleaned up immediately?

Now that I think about it, maybe that is nastier that the shitsplosion. Oh well! Caution to the wind! Crude!

So, I haven't been back to the scene of the crime - I've been walking further down the hall to the other bathroom. Wuss!

***Update: Well, it seems that the pipes did NOT burst. It was as we'd all feared. Someone had a massive accident ("explosive" was the word used). And then high-tailed it out of there.