"Whatever" for Dummies

Do you ever have one of those days when it seems like your bladder is going to wreck havoc on everything and everyone around you, and you have to do the "pee waddle" down the hall? You know (I know you do), you look like a flaming idiot, but you don't care? You finally get to a bathroom, knock several old ladies to the floor in an attempt to score the closest stall, rip away the clothes in your way... and then it's nothing like you expected? It's a trickle? A gigantic letdown? It was nothing but your bladder playing a horrible, horrible trick on you?

Yeah, that was yesterday. Except with the work I thought I had to do, not pee. I only made the comparison because I was in the bathroom when I thought of it.

Yeah, I'm crude. So what?

Every year, each and every GD year, my office publishes a book. It's a boring book. It lists research opportunities, fellowships, and internships and I don't think that anyone reads it. Ever. And yet? We keep doing it.

It's the same every year: I send out announcements to staff (none of whom seem to be physically or mentally able to respond by the due date), resend announcements to staff, await their responses, and begin edits on book. For years, we had submitted a camera-ready copy (in Microsoft Word) to the printer, and they literally took a picture of each page. They decided that they won't be doing it anymore, mostly because it's so out of date, but also because it's stupid. We could never just send them an attachment because depending on who opens it, Word likes to do silly things like change the indentations of paragraphs.

This year, they suggested that we try a new program. Adobe InDesign CS2. It's... intense. And terrifying. It's far too sophisticated for a black and white, text-only publication like ours. I'm no graphic designer, and I've absolutely no experience with this kind of program. And yet, it was purchased, installed, and I was expected to learn how to use it. My boss even bought InDeisgn CS2 for Dummies.

Gee, thanks.

Long story short, I was freaking the fuck out for a month. I couldn't figure out what was needed, I was staying late at work, and I was thinking about it way too much once I was away from work. Once I returned from my birthday vaca, I had trouble getting to sleep. "I'm going to get fired, I'm going to get fired, I'm going to get fired..."

As I walked to work yesterday morning, my steps echoed, "I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed..."

I sat in my office with InDesign open in front of me as I muttered at the screen. "Crap, crap, crap..."

Then? My boss entered my office later that morning to tell me that she spoke to the printer and that we weren't going to use InDesign after all.

The fuck?

Nope, we are going to create the book in Word and then convert it to a pdf.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

This stupid book could have been done TWO MONTHS AGO if she hadn't jumped the gun and bought InDesign because it was pretty and shiny and she "always wanted to try it." I really didn't know what to do. Should I hug her or punch her in the throat? In the end, I did neither. I smiled. And I got back to work.

So yeah, that's my story. Just like running to the bathroom to pee, right?

Heather at work, ecstatic to throw InDesign out the window.
Also, it's cold there.