Oh No She DIDN'T

"I'm replacing the door."

My landlord brought prospective renters through the apartment yesterday, and all Amanda and I lacked was a bowl of popcorn. Seriously. It was that entertaining:

She told them that the upstairs neighbor, the same neighbor we dubbed "Stompy McLoud," was "very quiet and never home." I don't think that she was amused when Amanda and I burst into hysterical laughter, but is she kidding? This is the guy who seems to have a personal vendetta against the STAIRS that can only be avenged with his boots and (apparently) enormous thighs. You'd think he was trying to break through them rather than climb up them.

(And yes, I know that the whole "Blanky McBlank" thing is old, but there is really no other way to describe the aural murder that occurs every. single. GD. day. Sweet Lord in Heaven.)

She mentioned that there was abundant storage. Sure, if you consider 'under the leaky bathroom sink' an appropriate place for your winter scarves and hats, because there's no place else to store them.

She said that she fixes things in a timely matter, which is true. She shows up, fannies around with the plumbing or heater or door, and then has to bring back a professional to repair what she "fixed."

I was waiting to hear her inform them that the utilities were comparable to other houses in the area, but she was fairly honest there: "They'll run over $300 in the winter." Damn straight, honey. But that's just the gas.

The best thing, though, THE BEST, was that she will be replacing the door, "which should help keep the utility bills low."

Are you kidding me?

We'd been inquiring about that door for over a YEAR, and she was waiting until we left. I mean, why should she fix it, really? She had us locked into a lease -- we couldn't leave.

Two girls asked if they could speak with me privately, because they wanted honesty. And I gave it to them, all tied up with a neat bow. I told them that I wanted to say that the place was a dump, but it's not so bad. I do like this place - it's original and interesting, and though it's small, it hasn't stopped us cramming almost twenty people in for Thanksgiving.

I told them that even though the landlord and I don't get along, perhaps that wouldn't be the case with them.

And I told them that we're leaving because it's time for a change, which is true.

But when they asked about the price, I honestly told them that it wasn't worth it (especially since we saw the ad she posted on Craigslist and noticed she raised the rent significantly). The price is acceptable for the location, but it's a total ruse. You don't get what you pay for here, and I just wouldn't waste the money.

I'm sure that she'll rent the place - no one else thought to ask me any questions - and that's fine. And while I am absolutely livid that she's replacing the door, I figure that I just need to be happy that we escaped relatively unscathed. We're moving on to greener pastures. There's no need to focus on the fact that she sucks at life, because soon we won't have to deal with her again.

Unless she denies us our security deposit, upon which case I will morph into my wee Donut-sized harpy stage and destroy her.

Harpy! (oh my gosh, you need to read this because apparently there were harpies in She-Ra).

Princess of Power!