Is What I'm Saying

Okay, I don't watch "The Hills," or MTV for that matter, but I do read recaps on Television Without Pity (Oh, thank you, noble TWOP, for saving me from the harsh reality of my day job all those years ago...).

I read TWOP because the writers are amazingly gifted and I want to be them and write like them and I LOVE THEM. I want to pass them notes that say, "Will you be my friend? Check yes or no." I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant. (Seriously watch that link. It's awesome. Then go watch every episode of "30 Rock" online.)

I don't have HBO, but when I read the recaps of "Big Love," I am whisked away to a magical time when we totally got HBO and Showtime for free because apparently no one on my old block paid for premium channels. But I don't need to have the channel because the TWOP writer recreates the episode so wonderfully... so adeptly... that reading them is sometimes more fun than watching the actual show. (In the case of "Big Love," the recaps ultimately save me from the inevitable shot of Bill Paxton's ass. A good thing, trust me.)

ANY way, I started telling you about the recap for "The Hills." I honestly don't give a crap bag about these overindulged princesses, living in the "real world" but treating it like high school, because it's not my world... but I guess that's the power of escapist television, right? But today, I read a recap on a whim and about peed myself. Basically, TWOP's Joe R. is extremely gifted and I want to take him behind the middle school and get him pregnant:

"Audrina meets Justin for their date. And...I may need coffee myself if I'm to accurately convey this guy. He looks like Jared Leto playing a grunged-out parody of himself on Entourage. He looks like if Keanu and River Phoenix conceived a child during the My Own Private Idaho shoot and he's now of age. He looks like a low-rent male stripper in character as Eddie Vedder. He looks awesome, is what I'm saying. I hope he's around all season."