Let Me Tell You About Memorial Day Weekend, Because It's Kind of Awesome

The majority of the weekend found me being inexplicably late to important events, and almost every time? My fault.

~FRIDAY~

I left Ann Arbor at three in the afternoon with a packed car. My destination? Wyandotte - a mere forty miles east. It was my cousin Christin's wedding weekend, and I was doing the reading in the ceremony. It was Friday, so it was time for the rehearsal, and it started at four. But you know what else started that afternoon? Construction on every road possible, and a massive accident on I-94 near the airport.

Clearly my route from there is of no interest to you, but I somehow managed to exit the expressway just before the backup, and yet ended up on the million-mile circuit around the airport. On the Friday of Memorial Day weekend.

Anyway, I was far from being the last person there, and did a very nice practice reading.

Christin thought I was awesome.
And she was the bride. So I win.

First off, and thank the baby Jesus, I was not a bridesmaid (that makes me sound so ungrateful, doesn't it?)! Not that I would have turned her down had she asked me, because she's my cousin and I love her forever, but still. I was doing a reading from Colossians, and that was it. I didn't have to buy a bridesmaid dress from David's Fucking Bridal. Or shoes. I would have gone to the bachelorette party in Vegas had I had the money, but alas, I am poor. It was a win-win, if you ask me, especially since I am still paying off the last dress I purchased from David's Fucking Bridal.

Secondly, driving forty miles should take me a half hour at most - and probably less considering I normally drive like a bat out of hell. Of course, that's without taking into account the fact that some dingleberry working at the DOT thought that doing road repair on every. single. road. between here and there was of immediate necessity on a HOLIDAY WEEKEND. Also, there were traffic cops everywhere. I couldn't drive my customary 15-20 mph over the speed limit. It ruined everything.

And that's why I was late.

~SATURDAY~

Mike woke me up early on his way out the door to the golf course, but I grunted at him and went back to sleep. Not long after, Kelly sent me a lovely text, alerting me to the fact that she was picking me up to get coffee and then dragging me to an unending number of stores. After Home Depot and Target and getting a propane tank filled, we ended up at the condo pool. With alcohol.

And then Mike got home from golfing at like, 1:00, and was all, "Let's take a nap!" And I was all, "No, we cannot! We have to be responsible adults and arrive to events on time!"

Just kidding. We took a nap.

My cousin's wedding was at 4. I got in the shower at 2:15. Had I not gone to the pool, I would have been fine, but then again, my recent lack of judgment has more than illustrated my descent into adolescence, so what are you gonna do?

AREN'T YOU GLAD I SHOWERED?
Also, I'm blonde now. Enjoy.

Now, after my journey the day before, you would THINK that I would have known to depart much, much earlier and to leave ample time for the construction and holiday weekend traffic. You know, because I was READING FROM THE BIBLE DURING THE CEREMONY.

Ten minutes before the wedding was to begin, and at least fifteen minutes of traffic between us and the church, I called the Matron of Honor and asked if they were running behind - you know, like any NORMAL wedding would be. Of course, they were not running behind. And WHERE the FUCK was I, by the way?

They HELD the wedding for me.

I am SUCH a JACKASS.

Christin and John. Married.
NO THANKS TO ME.

After the ceremony, as we waited on the front lawn of the church with our celebratory bubbles in hand, I vowed to Mike and my parents that it was the LAST TIME. I was going to improve my punctuality, work on my time management, and improve myself.

They all laughed.

When it comes to my life outside of work, my lack of time management skills really worries me. From hitting the snooze button too often and leaving dishes in the sink for weeks at a time is nothing like me (okay, maybe the dishes thing is - there are too many old roommates who would argue to the contrary). I never used to be that way. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I am going to be... thirty.

There are some great stories associated with this wedding, but more on that later.

~SUNDAY~

Oh, have I mentioned that this was the busiest weekend I'd had in months? Because it was. Of course, I wasn't the one planning these events. I merely had to attend, so you'd think that there would be no problems associated with said events. Well, we can all see how well the weekend had gone thus far.

Mike went golfing. His tee time? 6:50. In the A.M. I, understandably, slept. Then Kelly forced me on another Target run, and we again ended up at the pool.

My niece's birthday party was scheduled to begin at 3 pm, but my brother told us to get there at 3:30 or 4:00. Mike didn't return from the course until 3:45. So we arrived at... 4:15 or so. This time? Not my fault! However, we seemed to have timed it perfectly, because everyone was eating when we arrived, the battalion of children was occupied with pizza, and we sat in the shade and relaxed. And there was beer and there was cake, and we were happy. Besides our idea of fun doesn't yet involve many, many toddlers running around screaming. That makes us stabby.

I brought Alexis a real gift, wrapped with REAL wrapping paper, and not something that I picked up at the gas station on the way.

(Oh my God, like I would ever do that.)

(Okay, it's possible that I once wrapped a birthday present in a Target bag, as that's what the gift came in when I bought it on the way to the party because I had forgotten to buy a gift during the many weeks before the party. But it was from Target, definitely not a gas station.)

(And to think that some people think I have no time management skills.)

Fucking ecstatic.

Apparently, these Zhu Zhu Pet things are the Tickle-Me Elmos or Cabbage Patch Kids of the decade. I have no idea what the fuck they are, but Alexis wanted another pet for her birthday, and my brother was not having anything to do with that. So she gets fake hamsters instead.

Anyway, after a few hours, we left. And slept. And it was glorious.