Monday, June 21, 2010


My dad is adorable - he keeps everything. And I'm not just saying that to make a point or to sound over-the-top. He really keeps everything. He's not a hoarder like those horrifying people on A&E, but he tends to both worry about not having something (..."if I throw it out, I might need it someday!") as well as attaching sentimental meaning to things. But I do think that if we ever had him on that Clean House show, where people are forced to choose between things to keep, sell, or toss, he would have a complete psychological breakdown.

I was at my parents' house the other day, rummaging through a drawer looking for an acceptable pen (like me, my dad hides the good pens because they are his and are only to be used for important documents and Heaven forbid anyone else touches them because obviously the pens will end up missing, and oh, by the way, they are BIC PENS, which cost like, three cents or something, so, welcome to my nightmare!), and I found a note.

Not just any note. No, this note was of the sort that one would leave for his/her parents when leaving the house for a short, unplanned while.

It said, "Daddy, I'm going to the park with Becky. Love, Heather"

At first glance, I was able to gather a few clues. I clearly wrote this when I lived at home, because I don't know that I would need to leave a note for my dad now.

I know that it had to have been when I was about ten or eleven, because I was only friends with Becky through about sixth grade because she got weird and I was too cool for school and apparently I've just pinpointed the moment when I became the asshole I am today.

Also, it was written on the back of a coupon from one of those Val-pak mailers, and the coupon was for a store in our hometown that hasn't existed for years.

Finally, when I was ten years old, it was 1990.

Currently, what is the year? 2010. DO THE MATH, PEOPLE.


So basically, what I am trying to say is that I come by my behavior honestly.

I was cleaning out a box of crap, because I KEEP EVERYTHING TOO, OMG I AM MY FATHER, and I found these. I don't know if you remember the episode of South Park, but it was one when all of the kids were put on Ritalin and Cartman kept seeing a Christina Aguilera monster. I was in college at the time and I remember making some CAMs of my own. And now I have found them once again.

Here is the South Park monster:

And here is my creation:

For some reason, I was convinced that the CAM had wings.

Also, I made more than one:

One of the CAMs has different hair extensions!

Anyway, I think that I've had these long enough. They've been with me for about ten years, and I think that it's time I just let go. If anyone wants them, let me know. Otherwise, they're going for a trip. TO THE GARBAGE. (Which, coincidentally, is where the CAM's career seems to have gone. But at least she hasn't shaved her head. Yet.)

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