And Now I Suppose I'll Really Discover If I'm a "Glass is Half Empty" or a "Glass is Half Full" Kind of Girl

Sad news in Donutvilletown... shire. My temporary job (the one I left DC for)(that was really only supposed to last six months and has somehow turned into eighteen) is ending in May. This sucks shit, as I thought that I could ride it out for at least another season, but is probably for the best as I need something more challenging and less, as my director so lovingly put it, "beneath me." Thanks for that.

Fine. So I'll just get another job. I'm sure that accomplishing that will be super simple in this economy. And in this state.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So I am currently stockpiling Coke cans for their ten cent deposits and rolling my own loose change instead of giving a percentage to Coinstar (that dick), spending as little as possible and eating even less, and trolling Craigslist for job "opportunities."

My, but there are some grand opportunities:

1. EXPERIENCED Crusher Operator. Operate and maintain portable crushing and screening plants. Applicants must have at least five years experience and be able to weld. Please do not apply if you do not have experience and you can not weld. (What if I'd do it in a bikini? Would you reconsider?)

2.We are currently looking for new process servers. Your payment is based on deliver of papers. Hours are flexible. THeir is no experience requirment. (There is apparently no spelling requirement either.)

3. Startup Seeks PHP/MySQL Guru: Front End Engineer skilled in XHTML, CSS, and Javascript seeks partner with strong server side skills. Seeking individual with strong PHP/MySQL skills; Should be comfortable with OOP; Should be familiar with Frameworks; Familiarity with Linux/Unix environments a plus. (I don't think that those are English words.)

4. Chuck Norris Doesn't Save the Environment... he impales those who harm it. Join the fight! Be an activist and get paid. You will receive valuable training (campaign, ninja*, and other).

* if you actually believe we provide ninja training as part of the campaign position, you have failed the first test; please do not call. (Haha, I am totally going to call.)

5. Girls Needed For Music Video. Looking for females ages 18-25 to be in music video. Funloving and outgoing, and be able to be comfortable on camera is all that is required. Please send pictures with contact info. No resumes please! Just a photo that you makes you stand out above the rest. (My mother will be so proud!)

So there are some fun options for me after all! I don't know why I was so worried.

So there's that. I know that it could be ten times worse - I do have credit card debt, but at least I don't have student loans. I'm not stuck in a lease, so if I have to go live in my parents' basement, I suppose I could. I have a wonderful support system in Mike and my family. And my director is circulating my resume amongst her museum and University networks.

But man, applying for jobs is so boring. I know that I have to put in the effort, but gah.

And while I'm not some crazy spendy moron in my current life, I did think of some ways to drastically impact my budget, regardless of how much they pain me:

1. Utilize my library card more often. I love books. I love them so much I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant. But books are not cheap, and my current shelving availability is definitely finite. I hate that I won't be able to keep a book after reading it, but I'm sure that there is something to be said about sharing. Whatever.

2. Shop at thrift stores more often. I love clothes, too, even though I tend to stick to my basic tried-and-true stuff more than anything else. But spring is just around the corner, and if it's warm enough to wear a skirt, you can bet that I will sporting one with ballet flats. But again, clothes are not cheap and though my closet boasts a large number of skirts I've collected over the years, adding another $79 stunner from Banana is no longer an option. I have a work friend with great taste and adorable petiteness who swears by a thrift store in town. Worth a shot.

3. Stop wasting food, for crying out loud, what are you, an idiot? I am notorious (in my head) for spending good money on fresh produce and then letting half of it turn to mush. Produce ain't cheap, but it dominates my shopping cart because it tastes good and it's good for me. I try to eat as few packaged and processed food items as possible (though that can of Spaghettios last night was like manna from Heaven), so while produce isn't always cheap, I will definitely have to learn to better plan my meals before I hit up the farmer's market or grocery store. Additionally, I am planning on planting vegetable plants and herbs for the summer. We'll see how long it takes for me to kill those.

4. Figure out a way to get to work that does not result in spending $11 to park. I usually walk/bus to work for free (purple bus!), but my laziness knows no bounds lately. I've been pissing money away like fucking moron, just so that I can sleep in a few minutes longer. And you know? I'm not even sleeping for that "saved" time. No, I'm continually getting out of bed to hit snooze (because apparently I thought that placing my alarm clock out of arm's reach would solve this problem, but in fact makes it so much worse). That is not good, REM sleep!

5. Stop going to Target and Ikea to "just walk around." We all know that Target and Ikea are evil and force FORCE you to buy things. I must remove them from the equation, or I will be in trouble.

Any other ways I could be saving money? Besides collecting unemployment? Because I think that I might look into that. You know, just in cases.

I Feel Worse About This Than the Twilight Incident

I don't quite know how to say this nicely, so I'll just jump right in.

I fucking bought a fucking Snuggie.

Fucking. A.

Hurl your worst at me: hypocrite, imbecile, moronic American consumer, etc. I DESERVE IT.

Mike wanted one for his birthday (I won't even try to explain), and they were at BB&B for $14.99. I had a $5 off coupon, and voila! Piece of shit blanket with sleeves for ten bucks. And it came with a book light. A book light?

I've tried it out. The Snuggie is actually quite warm, but it leaves little blue fabric pills all over your clothes, which really pissed me off. But! I was able to:

-answer the phone
-change the television channel
-read a book
-search for online porn
-eat dinner
-hold a baby
-cry

I totally hate myself, but it was too ridiculous to keep to myself.

And I will leave you with this, because it is funnier than anything I could ever say here.

A Long Way Down

I really enjoyed Nick Hornby's High Fidelity. I borrowed Betsy's well-worn copy and finished it in about a day, rarely putting it down for more than a few minutes. His writing style is fresh and uplifting, even when the storyline is challenging, and he has a knack for capturing the feelings of a generation (in this case, Generation X, but I think that the characters will age well with time). The movie is excellent, too, but I have yet to see anything with John Cusack that I didn't like, really.

Additionally, two of his novels, About a Boy and Fever Pitch, were adapted into really enjoyable films. Though I've yet to read either of those books, I can't imagine that the heart of the story changed all that much (though I know that some of the circumstances did). So I had slightly elevated hopes for A Long Way Down.

But I really didn't like it.

On New Year's Eve, four strangers accidentally meet atop the roof of a London building, all hoping to jump to their deaths at midnight. Their interactions and decisions that night lead to the formation of a weirdly codependent group friendship in an effort to prolong each other's lives.

Of the four main characters, only one got any sympathy from me. The other three were irritating fuckwits who seemed to have brought their miseries upon themselves. At the same time, people are fallible. We've all made mistakes, so who am I to judge them? (Perhaps that's the message I was supposed to get...)

It's well-written, but I just didn't feel it this time. Heartbreak was there, of course, but not in the same way as High Fidelity. The characters in A Long Way Down cared for each other, in odd ways, but they were all extremely unlikable. I finished the book feeling off... depressed and empty.

Hornby's writing style holds, but it didn't really matter to me in the end. I have read many positive reviews, and so I definitely stopped to wonder why I didn't feel the same. And it was pretty obvious - I've never been on the edge of despair. I've never been so removed from others that I've contemplated ending it all. And I've never stood on a rooftop, calculating how many seconds will pass before I hit the ground.

So it wasn't the book for me, unfortunately. Maybe it'll help you feel better about your problems, though!

To Tip or Not to Tip?

The day before I flew out to California for Jenny's wedding, I decided to get my hair cut.

I've been going to a salon at the mall near my house, and I like it quite a bit. It's not Supercuts or whatever, and even though I am broke as shit lately, it's definitely cheaper than what I used to shell out for cuts in DC. So I can justify the expense.

I hate the whole tipping process. I hate that I can't just add it to a line on my receipt and leave. I hate that the cashier asks how much I want to tip and hands me the cash, forcing me to stroll over to my stylist. "Um, thanks. HERE." And it's not like I can afford to tip her amazingly well, so it's usually a tatty old five dollar bill. Is there any way to remove the awkwardness from tipping at salons? (I mean, hell - at the Aveda Institute, you leave your tip at the desk. I suppose that's because they don't require tipping, but I always do. They're students, after all, and a haircut costs all of eighteen dollars.)

There was an instance where deciding how to tip was not a problem - I didn't tip at all. I feel no remorse or shame for this. It was easily the worst haircut I ever had, though not in terms of the style. I still remember it.

I look young. I know this. And sometimes it isn't a good thing (getting hit on by 9th graders on a field trip, being handed the children's menu at restaurants, ETC).

But I don't care what a person looks like - in a professional capacity, everyone should be treated the same.

One weekend in college, I was visiting home for the weekend and needed a quick cut. I headed to JCPenney's and asked for a walk-in appointment. This was the same JCPenney that saved my poor high school hair before my senior pictures in order to fix the disastrous results of my run-in with Sun-In. (It said "Heat-activated" on the spray bottle. I didn't realize that meant heat from a hair dryer. I figured it was all about the sun.)

I should have known that I was not in for a treat by the way the receptionist hesitated. The only available stylist was apparently KNOWN for her assholity, and I was pretty much warned to that.

Long story short (too late), the woman treated me like a five year old, yanked pieces of my hair from my head using a comb more suitable to a pixie cut, and dared acting shocked when I practically jumped from the chair at the conclusion of the cut.

"Don't you want me to dry it?" It was December. In Michigan. I paid for the cut, refused the receptionist's questions about a tip and pretty much ran out the door with dripping wet hair. And I never returned. I know now that I should have spoken with a manager or at the very least written a letter. But at the time, I had been treated like a child, so I acted like one.

Was I out of line?

Wild

Ohhhhhh.... I cannot WAIT for this movie.



Wow.

Predictive Text is Really Starting to Piss Me Off

Thank you, Verizon Wireless, for being almost completely worthless.

I love predictive texting - I think that it's brilliant. But... there are clearly some flaws. I hate that my dipshit phone assumes that I want to type "G'd" instead of "I'd." Every. Damn. Time. Does my stupid phone think I'm Australian, attempting to type "G'day?" I don't know.

Also, when I type just one, solitary letter from the "abc" key, you'd THINK that my phone would know that I want to use the letter, "a." ALAS, IT DOES NOT. Apparently "b" is acceptable as a word. Dammit.

It also won't let me type "shit," assuming that I mean "shiv." Yes, I was typing about prison weaponry, PHONE. Just let me swear! Stop censoring me! (However, now that I've typed them enough, it does recognize "fuck," "fucking," "GD," and "douche.")

"I'm a Razrrrrrrrr!
I'm rrrrrrrretarded!"

I Loathe Myself

Location: Target in Canton, MI; Music and Entertainment Department

Time: 10 A.M.

Date: Saturday, March 21

Heather: Wandering aimlessly, unable to find her quarry.

Sales Lady: "Can I help you find something?"

Heather: Sheepish look.

Sales Lady: "Twilight?"

Heather: Pause. Sigh. "Yeah."

Sales Lady: "They're up at the front of the store, honey."

And... scene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gah!

I don't even want to tell you how many times I've watched it since then, let alone how many times I watched it on Saturday. I hate myself for this, just so you know. BUT I CANNOT BE STOPPED.

The Time That I Went and Joined The Facebook and Realized That People Have Way Too Much Free Time or Possibly Not Enough to Do at Work

Sigh.

I joined Facebook.

I'm sure that most of you are all, "WTF took you so long?" while the remaining few think I'm a total asshole. And you're all right. Double win! In the words of Sarah, "You're not cool enough to not be on Facebook." And she's probably right. I mean, I work with dinosaurs and I love The Food Network.

So let me set the story straight. Back in 2004 when I was happy and carefree and just finishing grad school, my friend Pippa (Pippa!!!) told me about The Facebook. It seemed cool, and I joined. I even had a few quick friends, because at the time it was only available to college people from the Ivies and the Big Ten. And Michigan is in the Big Ten. So it works out.

I joined, I logged in once, and then I forgot all about it. Years went by, and believe it or not... life was fine without The Facebook. I know, it's hard to understand this, but I swear that it's true. Life went on. Breezy!

But then! In what seemed like a matter of days, my DC friends started moving to New York and California and everywhere in between, and I even uprooted my meager existence back to the State of Glorious Unemployment. And I soon found that people? Don't love email so very much if they're not planning on seeing you that weekend or whatever. And so, in a moment of weakness, I reactivated my account on The Facebook.

I reconnected with a few choice friends, mostly from high school, and that alone honestly made it worth the effort. But lo, that is not all that The Facebook can do! Oh no, it is magical!

The Facebook allows me to learn what people are having for dinner. This is awesome because mundane details about other people are important for my continued happiness. I can also read about what President one would be (dibs on Millard Fillmore!). OR, I can find out where a person should be living depending on the answers to questions that s/he might answer.

WHAT DELIRIOUS FUN THIS ALL IS.

And I swear to Christ, those status updates make me want to punch myself in the throat. I get that they are supposed to be quirky and fun, but it seems to me that people should be trying harder. If I were more creative, I would totally be posting hilarious status updates about how I almost got stuck in the driveway again, or how I tripped on the stairs at work and almost bowled down an entire second grade class. Or how I went back to the grocery store three times in one day because apparently a shopping list is nothing more than a mere prop to me.

(Wow, I should be on Retard Facebook, eh?)

At the same time, I rarely get around to checking my page more than a few times a week, and I really only do so when I receive an email alert. And that seems to be working for me. This damn blog takes up enough of my time and creativity - I certainly don't need another venue for distraction. I have a hard enough time updating this thing regularly.

Sandra Effing Lee

It was "this big!"

I don't know why or how, but I watched an episode of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee on the Food Network this weekend. I hate her. HATE HER. She makes meals with "70% ready-made products and 30% fresh ingredients," which, in my mind, equals out to CRAP. It's basically like, "Here's a Lean Cuisine. I sprinkled parmesan cheese on top. ENJOY." She always makes a few stomach-churning recipes, an alcoholic drink, and finally horrifies us with a "tablescape."

This particular tablescape was covered with floral accents and golden cherubs. Whee!

This recipe though... It is easily the worst thing that I have ever seen on the Food Network. And I used to watch Rachel Ray!

Not only was Sandra wearing a CORSET, she made something that made me scream at the tv, "I WANT TO VOMIT." It was called "Easy Elegance." Yes. Elegance is the word that comes to mind when I hear "meatloaf," "half a can of condensed cheddar soup," and "garlic herb Shake 'n' Bake."

She started the meatloaf by mixing ground beef and ground pork. Sounds fine. I actually like meatloaf. My dad's recipe is the best I've ever had, though he has never really written it down. It's slightly different every time, but always amazing. The only other thing that I love more are his country ribs, which also have no set recipe. I need to start paying attention more when he's cooking...

Anyway! Sandra started by mixing pork and beef in a bowl. And then everything went horribly, horribly wrong. To the meat mixture, she added, in this order:

one box of garlic and herb Shake 'n' Bake
one envelope of Lipton Beefy Onion soup mix
one can mushrooms (Oh my Lord, I absolutely abhor canned mushrooms)
one egg
1/2 can of condensed cheddar soup (that's when I screamed at the television)
1/2 cup of evaporated milk (and... why?)

Then she glopped the entire mixture into a crock pot atop store-bought hash browns.

You might think that it ends here. BUT IT DOES NOT.

She then covered this horrifying mixture with:
1 can of condensed cream of mushroom soup (because we haven't added enough soup to the MEATLOAF, apparently)
1 onion, sliced
1 package fresh mushrooms (something fresh, THANK GOD)

"Nausea, heartburn, indigestion!
Upset stomach, diarrhea!"

What the hell? I know that her idea of "cooking" more often involves a pantry than a produce department, but really? How difficult is it to mince a clove of garlic or chop up some herbs? And is Shake 'n' Bake really all that better than breadcrumbs? Her shortcuts add massive amounts of sodium and introduce way too many conflicting flavors. But the canned soups are what blew my mind. I didn't know that there was such a thing as condensed cheddar soup, and now that I know, I want to cry.

Then she made a "Maple Shake." Which looked as atrocious as it sounds.

The reviews for this recipe are mixed (I can't believe that some people actually made it at home... and liked it), but the bad ones are hilarious!

Then I watched Tyler Florence (this episode) and my appetite seemed to return. Mmmm, roasted red onions...

But I will NEVER FORGET the horror. The HORROR of the cheese soup meatloaf.

Etsy Insanity

Wow. Normally I love etsy. You can find some really beautiful things at great prices - I found a really cute owl print and some adorable pink dishes with little birdies. Birdies!

My six-year-old wool coat is on its way out, and though Macy's is having a crazy sale right now, I really do like the look of vintage --- but it has to be perfect. I figured that I might as well take a gander on etsy. I adore this coat (pink!), but I don't think that I'll be buying it because of its double-breastedness. I'm picky.

Bored, I resumed my search today, again entering "wool coat." I uncovered more fabulous finds, but nothing perfect. UNTIL I FOUND THIS:

SALE...... Tree of the forest COAT

What. The. Fuck?

But wait! It gets better! Here is the description, word for word, without edits:

If you love the nature. This one is the best coat for you. You will feel part of a forest park. You allow that the nature should be a part of your life!!!

This coat is an exceptional handwoven coat made whit selected yarns (silk, cotton-silk, wool, cotton and fantasy). Totally handmade it could be worn on autumn or winter. It’s an original and unique design to surprise and to love for ever.

You could wear it over a t-shirts, a turtleneck, a vest, a shirt or a dress. Very easy to wear with anything.

An incredible piece to embellish your wardrobes:-)

Shades of green and brown compose this coat.
The fringes and the weft fabric give to this coat a quality of a very exclusive cover.
Extremely fun to wear!!!!

I love the nature! I love yarn of fantasy! I want to embellish my wardrobes! Oh, but... I probably shouldn't spend $128 on something that I could make on a three day crack binge.

Because This Requires That I Only Use My Brain a Little Bit

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, my middle name. Sally, after my mom's sister.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Crying or sobbing? Either way, last night, thinking about how sucky it would be if I lost my job. And then I played some Dr. Mario and felt a little better.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
My handwriting is awesome, and I am very proud of it. And I love it when people praise it. Because I am an attention whore.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Smoked turkey.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. Sweet God, no. I mean, I would like some in the future, but for right now, when I see kids at the museum, I just sigh with relief that I am not responsible for one (or more!) of those germ-toting snot monsters. Besides, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Of course. I’m spectacular. And I would make you look taller.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Of course not.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, though several doctors have threatened to remove them if I get just one more case of strep or tonsillitis. But then I just switch doctors. Bwuh ha ha!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Fuck no, unless peeing myself in front of other people was my life goal.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Cheerios.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Yes! And then I tuck the laces into the shoe so that they don't get grimy.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter & Chocolate. But then I think about living in the dorms when you could trade your entire dinner meal credit for a pint of Ben & Jerry's. And I would get Chubby Hubby, because there is nothing better than a well-balanced dining hall meal than peanut butter filled chocolate covered pretzels. So both of those, I suppose. Oh, and the one with dinosaurs.

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Height.

14. RED OR PINK?
Pink.

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My feet. They make it impossible to find shoes.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grandparents. But at my cousin's wedding this weekend, a relative told me that I reminded him of my grandmother, and it made me really happy since I barely remember how she was before her stroke.

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I'm not even going to name people to do the damn list, so what does that tell you?

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Grey denim trousers and black ballet flats.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The sound of 120 unscheduled 7th and 8th graders in the museum. It's deafening.

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Green-blue. Because it was more blue than green. Which made no sense! And that's me.

21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Books. Used bookstores. Cilantro. Thanksgiving stuffing. Hanae Mori cologne.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My sweet Emily.

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
I stole it off the interwebs. So, no.

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Hockey & college football.

25. HAIR COLOR?
Dirty dishwater blonde. At least, that's what I've been told.

26. EYE COLOR?
Green.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I fucking wish. I only really wear them for special occasions now, like when I'm standing up in people's weddings. Which is pretty much every other weekend.

28. FAVORITE FOOD?
Fruit, particularly berries.

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Heh. Happy endings.

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Rock. Yeah, I was a bit late getting on board. Was awesome though. Who doesn't love Ed Harris?

31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall.

32. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs.

33. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I wish I could give you a long list, but I haven't started anything since finishing this over a month ago. But The World Without Us by Alan Wiseman is on deck.

34. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
IT desktop services information.

35. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
CBS lineup, minus this piece of shit show. God, what a horrible show. It makes me hate America more than I already do.

36. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.

37. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Spain.

38. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Southgate, Michigan.

The Retardation of America

Have you seen the commercial for the Snuggie? Apparently its "inventor" has made millions. It's a shame I didn't patent it back when I was eight when it was called PUTTING ON A ROBE BACKWARDS.

I cannot BELIEVE that idiots across America bought this fucking thing. Then again... when I was leaving for work the other morning, I noticed that Mike's neighbors had just put out their trash. They had purchased not one, but TWO Snuggies. Which doesn't surprise me in the least. They are the lowest common denominators around here, what with the two fat kids who torture their dog and the fat dad who swears at them constantly with words and phrases that would make a sailor blush.

So I took pictures. And laughed my ass off.




But really, the whole things reminds me of really bad infomercials, which reminds me of the clip below, which makes me laugh. So even though the Snuggie is beyond retarded, it reminds me of Tracy Jordan and the fact that "Meat is the New Bread."

Be Afraid

Gimme That Fish!

Have you ever noticed that commercials for fish seem to increase during Lent? Here's my latest obsession, and currently the jingle that I can't get out of my head:



Woo!

(And by obsession, I do not mean that I eat those. I have never eaten one. Who actually does eat them, anyway?)

Blackmail and Parenting

One November night, my brother and I were stuck at the dinner table for what seemed like hours, refusing to finish eating. And with good reason - who in her right mind feeds squash to children? So Steven and I were stuck at the dinner table, not allowed to leave until we ate every last bit of the disgusting orange mush on our plates.

(And honestly, I think that the reason I hate squash to this day is because of this solitary incident.)

But we put our little feet down. No fucking squash. And then my mother... my mother who I love very much, but must have given in to the dark side temporarily, made a phone call. The exchange went like this:

Lady: Finish your dinners.
Heather & Steven: No! This orange crap is bullshit!
Lady: Finish your dinners or I'll call Santa and tell him not to come to our house this year.
H&S: What? Yeah, right. Like you know Santa. Whatever!
Lady: "Fine." (Reaches for phone and dials.) "Hello, Santa? Yes, I just wanted you to know that Heather and Steven won't eat their squash. Yeah, I know they're being little assholes. Oh, you won't? (Aside to us): Santa says that he won't be coming this year unless you finish everything on your plates.
H&S: What? But... what?

And then we ate our squash. And it was horrible. But then Santa came to our house that year, and all was forgotten. My mother never had to "call Santa" when it came to our eating habits (mostly because my brother ate almost everything placed in front of him) but she definitely did when we wouldn't clean our rooms or finish our chores.

She never did make us eat squash again, though.

Years later, we found out that every single time she called up to the North Pole, she was really calling my aunt. And my aunt did the same thing. And it always worked.

Brilliant bitches.

Hide the 'Scort!

Oh Holy Jesus, read this.

I am calling my dad immediately to make sure that my beloved 'Scort is well hidden.

"I want to liiiiiiiiiive!"

So some California weirdo is setting fire to green Ford Escorts. Police are BAFFLED. And why wouldn't they be? The Escort is the best little car ever.

FORTUNATELY, the arsonist seems to be targeting early to mid-90s green Escorts, and mine is a 1996. Ha! Suck on that, arsonist! Not yours!

I mean, it could totally go up in flames on its own at this point, a fact that I never fail to mention when I speak with my dad. But he loves driving it. Especially in the horrid Michigan winters, when his rear-wheel drive Camaro is useless in the ASSLOADS of snow that just. won't. stop, the 'Scort is a lovely dream.

Anyway, to any of you out there with the most loyal car ever, the Escort, watch out.