Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sandra Effing Lee

It was "this big!"

I don't know why or how, but I watched an episode of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee on the Food Network this weekend. I hate her. HATE HER. She makes meals with "70% ready-made products and 30% fresh ingredients," which, in my mind, equals out to CRAP. It's basically like, "Here's a Lean Cuisine. I sprinkled parmesan cheese on top. ENJOY." She always makes a few stomach-churning recipes, an alcoholic drink, and finally horrifies us with a "tablescape."

This particular tablescape was covered with floral accents and golden cherubs. Whee!

This recipe though... It is easily the worst thing that I have ever seen on the Food Network. And I used to watch Rachel Ray!

Not only was Sandra wearing a CORSET, she made something that made me scream at the tv, "I WANT TO VOMIT." It was called "Easy Elegance." Yes. Elegance is the word that comes to mind when I hear "meatloaf," "half a can of condensed cheddar soup," and "garlic herb Shake 'n' Bake."

She started the meatloaf by mixing ground beef and ground pork. Sounds fine. I actually like meatloaf. My dad's recipe is the best I've ever had, though he has never really written it down. It's slightly different every time, but always amazing. The only other thing that I love more are his country ribs, which also have no set recipe. I need to start paying attention more when he's cooking...

Anyway! Sandra started by mixing pork and beef in a bowl. And then everything went horribly, horribly wrong. To the meat mixture, she added, in this order:

one box of garlic and herb Shake 'n' Bake
one envelope of Lipton Beefy Onion soup mix
one can mushrooms (Oh my Lord, I absolutely abhor canned mushrooms)
one egg
1/2 can of condensed cheddar soup (that's when I screamed at the television)
1/2 cup of evaporated milk (and... why?)

Then she glopped the entire mixture into a crock pot atop store-bought hash browns.

You might think that it ends here. BUT IT DOES NOT.

She then covered this horrifying mixture with:
1 can of condensed cream of mushroom soup (because we haven't added enough soup to the MEATLOAF, apparently)
1 onion, sliced
1 package fresh mushrooms (something fresh, THANK GOD)

"Nausea, heartburn, indigestion!
Upset stomach, diarrhea!"

What the hell? I know that her idea of "cooking" more often involves a pantry than a produce department, but really? How difficult is it to mince a clove of garlic or chop up some herbs? And is Shake 'n' Bake really all that better than breadcrumbs? Her shortcuts add massive amounts of sodium and introduce way too many conflicting flavors. But the canned soups are what blew my mind. I didn't know that there was such a thing as condensed cheddar soup, and now that I know, I want to cry.

Then she made a "Maple Shake." Which looked as atrocious as it sounds.

The reviews for this recipe are mixed (I can't believe that some people actually made it at home... and liked it), but the bad ones are hilarious!

Then I watched Tyler Florence (this episode) and my appetite seemed to return. Mmmm, roasted red onions...

But I will NEVER FORGET the horror. The HORROR of the cheese soup meatloaf.


gabe said...

Sandra Lee making.... a Kwanzaa cake!


Mush said...

So now that we know who you hate, who do you like? BF Contessa? Paula Deen? The Neelys?

Waayers said...

Mmm....Tyler Florence. He is definitely a good palate-cleanser after watching Sandra Lee. He makes me smile.

Kramer said...

Sandrea Lee is hilarious. She gets waaaay too excited when she's makes cocktails.

lem said...

Is it just me or does she remind you of the girl from The Beverly Hillbillies?

Heather said...

gabe - OMG, I KNOW. That was amazing.

mush - I like pretty much everyone else on the Food Network. I love Giada and her big giant head, Tyler Florence is awesome, Paula Deen and her butter are great. I think that Ina Garten is awesome, but I wouldn't mess with her, ever. And I think that Bobby Flay is a total dick, but he's a good cook. I don't love the Neely's, just because they don't seem to make much food that I like.

waayers - You still like Sandra Lee, don't you?

Kramer - You're so right. It's like she only cooks so that she can justify the alcohol.

lem - She does in that, and most pictures. She loves to have the twins on display.

mush said...

And I thought I was the only one to call Giada's show "Big Head Italian"! HUGE HEAD!!!

Heather said...

mush - She's like a bobblehead. And I think that her producers must have gotten to her because she hasn't been over-pronouncing Italian words like she used to. Motz-er-EL-a.