Zelda is Killing My Soul

For reasons I cannot explain, Mike is currently obsessed with Nintendo. Awesome, old school, blast-from-our-childhoods Nintendo. Mostly, he was concerned with beating The Legend of Zelda, of which I recently played for the first time and with which I have a love-hate relationship.

But as we are the coolest couple in the history of the universe, we bought some games on eBay and then played Nintendo off and on all weekend. It was a blast, except when I was being all super-competitive. Which, when playing Nintendo or any sort of game, is always.

Actual conversations we had while playing Contra:

Heather: "So you actually have to kill the wall of spikes?"
Mike: "Yes. It's very realistic."

Mike acquired the spread gun.
Heather: "Happiness is a spread gun."
Mike: "I don't get it."

After I died, even with thirty lives to start:
Heather: "I... am not good."
Mike: "Sweetie... yeah, you suck."

Actual conversations while playing Bubble Bobble, one of my favorite childhood games:

Heather: "You keep stealing all of the fruit and prizes!"
Mike: "We're a dinosaur TEAM. Relax."
Heather: "Hrmph."
Mike then takes all of the fruit and prizes.
Heather: "DAMMIT!"

Actual conversations while playing Jeopardy:

Mike: "This is worse than watching it on TV."
Heather: "No, it's not. It's awesome."
Heather answers a question incorrectly.
Heather: "Fuck this game!"

Mike: "Alex Trebek is the worst!"
Heather: "Not as bad as Ken Jennings."

While playing Tombs and Treasure:
Heather: "I'm... a little scared right now."
Mike: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

Actual conversation as I played Zelda while Mike coached me:

Mike: "Honey, you have to turn in their direction, then use your sword."
Heather: "I WAS. THAT'S WHAT I DID."
Mike: "If that was true, then the monster would be dead. Not you."
Heather: "GRRRRR."
Mike: "Do you want me to play?"
Heather: "NO."
Mike: "Sigh."