Mr. Wizard

How many of you watched Mr. Wizard's World? He was the Bill Nye of the eighties, and super awesome. There was no problem he couldn't solve! Plus, he looked like the poor man's Patrick Stewart, so he had that going for him.

"No, Billy, you're a retard. Sigh. Try again."

I think that it was on Nickelodeon, but it might have been PBS for all I know. I don't think that we had cable at the time, so perhaps PBS is the correct choice.

ANYWAY, there are two experiments that stick in my brain. The first was a glass filled with ice. He asked the kid - there was always a kid to learn from the experiments - to fill the glass of ice with water. All the way to the top! And then he asked, "Now, when the ice melts, what will happen?" And the retard kid answered, "It'll spill!" And I was at home, five years old, screaming at the television, "NO IT WON'T, STUPIDHEAD!" And I was right. A know-it-all bitch from the very beginning.

The second experiment involved a girl doing a headstand against the fridge and Mr. Wizard was going to have her eat pieces of apple while she remained upside-down. She was SO CONVINCED that there was no way she'd be able to swallow the apple in that position. But, of course, she should have listened to wizened Mr. Wizard, shouldn't she have?

For those of you not familiar with my brain, I actually do have a point. There's been a goldfinch on the bird feeder for the better part of an hour. He's perched on the top perch, pecking the feeder upside-down. Why? If the dipshit would flit on down to the bottom perch, he wouldn't have to put in so much effort for his meal.

And I immediately thought of Mr. Wizard. Way to go, science education. One point for you.

It's a good thing that I didn't really watch after school specials, because I'm sure all manner of things would lead me back to those. I learned it from watching you! (Or was that a commercial? I don't care.)