Emmy Awards Pre-Show Commentary - Now With Fewer Italics!

updated 7:59 p.m.
I'm done.

Lastly, If Alec Baldwin doesn't win best actor in a comedy, my tv is taking flight.

Kthnxbye!

updated 7:55 p.m.
Is it over yet? I can't feel my legs.

updated 7:53 p.m.
Christina Applegate is amazing. That is all.

updated 7:47 p.m.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Meh. (GOB: "Today I gotta stand next to her like I'm Rita Wilson.") Oh hell, she's telling people to register to vote. That's great, but how many times do we have to let the stars know? WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. So stop shoving your politics down our collective throats! If we want to fucking vote, we will fucking vote!

God.

updated 7:38 p.m.
Sean Piffy Poofy Diddily Doodly Combs. Yawn.

The Giuliana bitch just stole some poor sap's acceptance speech from him and read it on air. What a fucking HOOR. No idea who he was, but still, he was nominated for something or other.

Conan! Love!

Holy shit on toast! Jean Smart looks smoking hot. She no longer looks like this:

Not that there's anything wrong with that. She's sleeker now. And less purply. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

updated 7:26 p.m.
Seacrest just had to pretend that he liked it when Julia Louis-Dreyfus kissed him. Un! Comfortable!

Oh good, an explanation of the horrifying mermaid dress (Vanessa Williams pulls it off, I suppose, for no other reason than because she is Vanessa Williams). Thank you, Jay Manuel! I was in the other room and I totally didn't think you were Giuliana when I first heard you speak!

updated 7:21 p.m.
Oh, holy sparkly bow dress, Eva Longoria Parker! You are an adorable, diminutive woman, so why do you insist on wearing something that makes you look like that? YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD. Your husband/arm candy is pretty, though.

God, Seacrest is almost palatable next to this Giuliana freak.

Oh... kay. E! has a "stiletto cam." Which... do we really need another reason to covet the Hollywood ignorati? They can afford Jimmy Choos and I CANNOT. But it gave us a shot of David Boreanaz's socks, so... there's that.

updated 7:10 p.m.
I took a little break to find some food and caught this exchange:

Giuliana Dipshit Rancic: "What's your most hated body part?"
Nicollette Sheridan: "That's a horrible question. I'm not going to answer that." And she left the interview.

Ha!

updated 7:00 p.m.
There is still an hour of this to go. What is wrong with me? Why did I think this would be a good idea? I wonder if there are any Cheerios left...?

updated 6:51 p.m.
Neil Patrick Harris is amazing. (Read this interview if you have a chance.) Oooh, they just showed his gorgeous date on camera. I'm sure they'll get fined for that by the standards board. Acknowledging alternate lifestyles is worse than Janet Jackson's nip.

Tina Fey is gorgeous and I love her and she cracks me up. GO 30 ROCK, GO!

updated 6:48 p.m.
I just muted the television and cried for a few minutes. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just hungry.

I did see Marcia Cross humoring Seacrest's idiocy, but the mute button was a good choice. Wow, though. That woman could show up in a car's floor mat and look amazing.

Steve Carell and Nancy Walls. Yay! My second favorite Hollywood couple (behind Amy Poehler and Will Arnett - who was nominated for his recurring guest role on 30 Rock, so I'm hoping upon hope that they will be there)!

updated 6:33 p.m.
Thanks to the idiots of E!, Tracy Morgan/Jordan of 30 Rock doesn't get to talk about his show, he gets to talk about the people he wants to see on the Red Carpet.

The answer? Oprah. It's always Oprah.

Seriously, Tracy Morgan is hilarious, and THAT'S what they ask him about? This is where I would stab myself in the aorta if I could find something sharp enough.

THERE'S JIM. John Krasinski, sorry. He's wearing Prada. Hot. He seriously wants to punch Seacrest in the ovaries. As do I.

updated 6:28 p.m.
JENNA FISCHER I LOVE YOU! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MARRY JIM IF HE EVER GETS THE BALLS AND ACTUALLY ASKS YOU!

Sorry.

Ryan is now talking to Jenna in the third person. As if she is not STANDING DIRECTLY NEXT TO HIM. Why is he such a tool?

Ooooooh, Mariska! Yay, pretty!

Who is this Jay Manuel, um... fellow... and why do we care what he thinks? Oh, he's on America's Next Top Model. Quality. Ha, he basically just said that he's scared of Tyra Banks. Well, who isn't?



updated 6:12 p.m.
Poor Heidi Klum Seal. Why on earth should she be forced to stand next to these tools and share hosting duties all night? Then again, she's forced to sit next to a tangerine-tinted buffoon every night on Project Runway, so I suppose this isn't too much of a departure for her.

(Actually, the game plan for this year's telecast, as evidenced in the tvguide link up there yonder, sounds pretty cool. I can't wait to hear Josh Groban sing part of the Friends theme. Weren't The Rembrants available?)

Oh my bleeding fucking ears. Giuliana I-married-the-first-season-winner-from-The-Apprentice DePandi-Rancic just asked Ryan Seacrest if he was planning on thanking his parents in any form of acceptance speech (apparently he's nominated for something other than being completely annoying?) and they starting talking about him being conceived and my ears asploded.

Oh fuck, this Giuliana sloot is trying my patience.

updated 5:52 p.m.
Okay, I have now tuned to E!, even though I have immediately started to regret this decision. Do I really care about this? Do I really want to waste the night this way?

Meh, why not? I will be taking breaks for anything food related. Obviously.

They're back from commercial and fawning over some blond ho from Lost. Of which I do not watch. "You look great, girl." Really? I think that she looks drawn and tired. Maybe get some fucking sleep before going to the goddamned Emmy Awards? Currently, they're talking about Matthew Fox skinny dipping. Now, that is something I could wrap my mind around.

Oh, sweet, merciful commercial! Thank you! Thank you Jebus!

updated 4:57 p.m.

I have located an image of the mermaid dress, as worn by that Grey's Anatomy bitch:

I don't watch the Grey's Anatomy show, so I don't know if she's really a heinous bitchrag in real life or if that's just her character or what. But the interwebs say that she is hell-bent on incurring wrath with every single word she says aloud, so I BELIEVE IT. Coincidentally, I believe just about anything on the interwebs, including the audacious idea that lavender is a plant as well as a color, for which my boyfriend has me thinking I am crazy. Because he argued with me for ten minutes that lavender was not indeed a plant just to piss me off because there is NO FUCKING WAY that he doesn't know that lavender is a plant. And when I said that I would look it up online and show him that he was wrong, he gave me the, "Right, because everything on the internet is correct" excuse and I just about lost my shit.

Maybe I need a nap before the blessed awards begin.

updated 4:27 p.m.

Okay, It's 4:30 p.m. and I'm bored. Why can't these damn retard awards be on NOW? I have things to do later, like SLEEP, and the only television I've really watched lately has been college football and golf. So what I'm saying is, either broadcast some awesome Friends reruns or somehow get me away from the computer where I've been watching the fucking Twilight trailer over and over and over again.

Show me the dresses! Show me the GREAT EMMY DRESS OF 2008! Last year was all about the fish-tail or mermaid tail or whatever the fuck E! and several bloggers called it. When I hear "mermaid dress," however, all I can think about is Donna Martin wearing the mermaid costume to a Beverly Hills Halloween party (and bitchface Kelly Taylor wore a slut-tastic witch costume and got almost-raped and then taught us all a valuable lesson that dressing like a HOOR is not reason to be rewarded with evil).

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I am super pumped for the Emmy Awards this year, just because I want 30 Rock to kick some serious ass and earn the accolades it deserves.

Also, I love the clothes.

So I'll be offering bitchy commentary starting with the pre-awards extravaganzas!

See you later!