Blah, blah, scratched corneas (yes, corneas! Plural!), blah, and the light! It is intense! I must wear stupid disposable sunglasses over my own glasses! And something about a steroid drop that I will get tomorrow! My eyes! They will be able to bench you!
It's really not that bad, and my morning routine hasn't changed that much. Except. I used to roll out of bed, half-trip, half-crawl to the bathroom, and put in my contacts. Then I'd shower and get the ball rolling, so to speak. And lo, it was good.
Now? Nothing has changed except that I can't see a goddamned thing. I still stumble to the bathroom. I still brush my teeth and shower. But things aren't as clear as they once were. Am I reaching for the shampoo or for the body wash? WHO KNOWS? I no longer have the peripheral vision and clarity that morning contacts afforded me and showers are more an experiment of memory than a daily cleansing ritual (okay, it's still a cleansing ritual. It's not as if I just stand there and let water fall over me for ten minutes. Which, could still be cleansing, I suppose, but kind of missing the point, especially during a hot, humid summer such as this. Stop talking. Stop talking now).
Anyway. That, my friends, is the sordid tale of how I fell in the shower this morning.
Yes. YES.
It's bad enough that I have to wear the old-lady-leaving-the-eye-doctor-after-cataract-surgery glasses. Now I fall in the shower? What's next? Am I going to break a hip?
How did this happen? You might ask this. I was twisted around backwards, attempting to shave my legs, which is a feat in itself since I certainly can't SEE if I've already shaved my shin and/or back of my knee, and which always results in finding surprise patches of little hairs in the strangest places. Like, I don't know, right there in plain sight?
(Also, did you REALIZE that little hairs grow on our toes? They do! And this does not amuse me.)
I'm lucky that I have blond-ish little leg hairs, because I can't imagine having to shave my legs every. single. day. Do you have to do that? Do you wish that you could just rip your legs off so that you didn't have to shave them? Or do you ever just want to give up, as I have been known to do in the cold, wintry times?
No I don't.
Anyway, I was twisted around, trying to shave, and all of a sudden, I was flat on my ass on the bottom of the bathtub. Of course, it wasn't "all of a sudden." That would imply that I was shaving, and then immediately sitting. No, I saw it happen before it happened. It flashed before my eyes like I was falling off of a building (or dropping a window air conditioner unit out of a building. Have I told you that story? OH IT IS GOOD. Edited - Yes, I have.)
I knew that I was to fall, and I braced myself. I didn't even really hurt myself. But I was sitting there, in shock, on the bottom of the bathtub, cringing from the clammy feel of the wet shower curtain clinging to my back, and I just stood up and continued on washing my hair with shaving cream.
Okay, I haven't done that yet.
Oh God. Did I just write a post about my blond-ish leg hair?
Hello again!Rahr!
5 comments:
I have really bad eyesight and so I actually wear my glasses in the shower so these things don't occur!
I *wish* I had your blond leg hair. So totally jealous. And now you know why I wear pants almost every day. Well, that and the fact that my legs are blindingly white. So even when my legs are shaved, I usually wear pants.
Sigh.
But I feel you pain. I don't usually wear my contacts (or my glasses) in the shower, so some shower-related tasks are made more difficult. For instance, when I shaved my legs yesterday, I missed the entire backside of my right thigh. THE WHOLE THING. But on the other hand, I haven't (yet) fallen in the shower, and so in that respect I do not feel your pain. But I do feel sorry for you.
And to echo your closing remark, did I just write a comment about leg hair?
In my Catholic high school days, I used to shave only from where the hem of my skirt ended to where the top of my knee sock line began (knee socks and saddle shoes, bitches!). And that was only when I basically had bangs growing off of my knees.
Ahh, how your life resembles mine. I can't see in the shower and just know where everything is. Also, I fell in the shower a few months ago. Took the whole curtain down, rod and all. Soap is slippery, which is a reason not to drop your soap even when not in prison. I really could have killed myself considering my head was inches from the toilet when I landed. Fortunately, I only stumbled away with a few bruises. We're all sharing fantastic stories, huh HP?
anony - Wow. Your eyesight must be even worse than mine. At least your glasses get nice and clean every day!
rr - As long as I get a little tan, you can't really see if I haven't shaved my legs. I mean, that's what I think. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm certainly past the point of caring.
k10 - I love that story. That and wearing track pants underneath your uniform in the winter.
lem - It's always a combination of things, isn't it? I think that my shaving cream created a nice slick on the bottom of the tub and my lack of depth perception just added to the problem. Glad I didn't take down the shower curtain though - it's attached to the ceiling!
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