This.... Might Not End Well

...I had to turn off AND unplug the Nintendo so that I would GO TO BED last night. (Addendum: Mike would like you all to know that his girlfriend is a brat for her abrupt, "Goodnight, love!" when he knew that she was getting off of the phone to play Nintendo rather than talk to him. He called her on it, rightfully. And she now feels like a total bitch. Add this to the Atonement incident, and well... she owes him BIG time.)

My Fucking Washing Machine

Seriously. This is the sound it made today. Oh, and apparently I can upload videos, but I can't figure out how to rotate them.

Also, say hello to my pretty pink iron!

The Continuing Saga of the Punk Ass Museum Dinosaur Gang

When we last saw our Punk Ass Museum Dinosaur Gang, they were up to business as usual: being awesome, and making fun of Sammy Sauropod:

"Ha ha, loser!"

Of course, he is a little... well, slow:

"Huh?"

Consider the time Stan Stegosaurus invited them all over
to watch a movie:

"Son of a bitch, you guys.
You know it takes me three hours to turn myself around properly.
Why did you tell me that the movie screen was this way?"

"Hehe... snicker... snort..."

"We totally need a new gang member, but he has to be tough.
Not like this fatty bitch."

"What?"

"Haven't you had enough rock candy? And you know,
I thought that your kind ate plants or something."

"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING."

"Anyway..."

"Well, what about the new, dark, brooding guy?
All he does is hang around the La Brea Tar Pits like
a fucking bad ass. And I have to be honest here, dudes,
he seems pretty awesome."

"Wait UP, please!"

At the La Brea Tar Pits:

"Hey man, got a cigarette?"

"Man, that shit'll kill you.
Have a plant or something."

"Are you Albert "The Ace" Anklyosaur?"

"I might be. Who's asking?"

"Dude, we're the Punk Ass Museum Dinosaur Gang.
We're looking for a fifth.
Or, ahem... a replacement."

"What? Who's talking?"

"Sigh."

TO BE CONTINUED...

I Love the Whole World

I saw this on Gabe's away message and thought that it was pretty sweet:




Aw!

So This is What They Mean By "Dry Heat"

Oh hi!

I'm actually in Phoenix.

Didn't I tell you?

Sorry.

It's very brown here. But also, cacti!

Be back soon!

Atonement

I read the book, people. I READ THE DAMN BOOK, so I have no excuses. I knew exactly how it was to end, and yet I insisted on watching it. And poor Mike, he was depressed for the rest of the night. I owe him BIG time.

But Atonement was such a wonderful, powerful, superbly-acted movie, that I think that you have to approach it with an attitude resembling: "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Like, it's painful, but it's SO worth it.

Atonement opens with the sound of typing. A young girl, Briony Tallis (Saoirse Ronan), is writing a play in anticipation of her cousins' visit, and she plans on them acting it out for her visiting elder brother and sister's amusement. This family? Veeeery well-educated. Cecilia (Keira Knightley), the elder sister, has just finished her schooling at Oxford and is wondering what to do with her life. Their brother, Leon, went up to Cambridge. It's obvious from the beginning that this is a close family, who admire and care for each other deeply.

Robbie (James McAvoy), the housemaid's son, put through Oxford by the Tallis family patriarch, is slowly settling in to the realization that he must take chances in order to get what he wants.

What begins with a misunderstanding, and a child's belief that she knows what she's seen and read, leads to catastrophic events for all involved. For the rest of her life, Briony seeks to atone for her horrible mistake, which sends lives into a whirlwind of misery.

Sounds awesome, right?

There was much written about the love scene in the library - and oh... it's good. Oh, it's very good. Almost getting as much press was the green dress worn by Keira Knightley, and I can see why. I loved it. LOVED it. Mike was nonplussed, as he's not a huge Knightley fan, but there was no denying that the dress was perfection:

It wasn't just the famed green dress - the costume design was superb:

Sure, there were other people in the film who wore clothes, I suppose, but Keira is just so pretty...

The musical score was also inspired. Using the clicks and clacks of typewriter keys, the viewer is constantly, if not consciously, aware of the ways in which the story is unfolding into a book.

Because the book was written in sections, the director, Joe Wright, made a few modifications. This involved jumping between dates and events, sometimes forward in time. It would have been confusing had each accompanying scene not been a reiteration from a different point of view. I found this extremely well done and caused me to lean in just a little closer with anticipation.

And then we are hit with the 4 1/2 minute tracking scene on the beaches of Dunkirk. Wow. Such an achievement.

If you are aware of war symbolism, especially the horrors of WWI, then the field of poppies will mean more to you than most, and it might even save you from the devastatingly sad, twist-like pronouncement at the conclusion.

This film translated brilliantly from the book and enhanced, rather than detracted, from Ian McEwan's prose. I would recommend, as usual, reading the book before viewing the film. The book delves a little deeper into class distinctions, character development, and the hell of war. Besides, I still feel that seeing the movie first is a bit like cheating.

I'm still trying to decide which was more depressing, Atonement or Pan's Labyrinth.

I'll go with Pan's, but I think that it's a close race.

So, after all of that, if you still want to see Atonement, you'll be rewarded with amazing acting and an intoxicating screenplay. If you can see the screen through your tears, that is.

Fat Busy

I've been busy lately, so here's a list! I know, I know. Lame. But it's either this or pictures of my nieces, so here are a few things that I've realized:

1. I don't know how to apply eyeliner. I'm twenty-seven. Is this normal?

2. 30 Rock is brilliant.

Jack: "Do you not watch the news?" Liz: "Food Network doesn't have a news show."

Kenneth: "I don't vote democrat or republican. Choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name." Jack: "That's republican. We count those."

"I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the Devil's temperature!"

Oh, and there's this, too. Walking to work yesterday, I saw a colorful sight by the elementary school:

Paper lanterns!

You know, sometimes it's nice to be me... you know, easily amused.

3. I really do think that my fridge is going to explode.

4. I should probably shower and go to work at some point.

Oh, right. And yesterday, we went on the roof at work. Just... because.

I'm tall.

And that's it. Hopefully I'll come up with something interesting soon.

Hypocrite

After telling Mike that I thought he should eat foods with fewer
preservatives, what did I have for lunch today?

Pizza rolls and ramen.

I loathe myself.

Spring Has Sprung

Hi!

Of course, the high tomorrow is 44.
Sunday's high is 39. With snow!

Sleep is For Pussies

Mike saved a Reader's Digest for me because it contained an article entitled, "Surefire Strategies For a Better Night's Sleep," and because he's a sweetheart who wants me to sleep better.

Or be less cranky. Whatever. I didn't question his motives.

The article argues that needing or wanting sleep has always been considered a sign of weakness for men, but women are starting to see it that way, too. Because your body thrives on sleep and uses those lovely hours to repair the damage you did to your body during the day, missing out on even an hour can make a huge, and negative, difference. Here are some of the recommendations I took to heart:

Wake up at the same time every day. "The second your eyes flutter open, light shoots down the optic nerve and into the brain's biological clock." Doesn't that sound... painful? Regardless, I've been getting up at 7 all week, and I can sense a difference. And I've only taken one whole nap all week.

Manage the electronics. Hmmm. I stand at my computer for an insane amount of time each day, and it usually gets switched off minutes before I climb into bed. Apparently this is bad.

No caffeine within six to ten hours of bed. This includes my preciousssss. My tea. And I drink about six cups of that a day. So... drink hot water instead? Don't drink anything at all? The article fails to mention what to do if you consistently get up to pee in the middle of the night, however. And... I don't have that problem, though. No. Not at all.

Buy a new mattress. Sure! I'll get two while I'm at it. Will you pay for it, Reader's Digest?

Cool it. "Turn down the thermostat a few degrees before you climb into bed." No problem:

I'm a "digital comfort set."
And a massive LIAR.

Avoid murder and mayhem. But, the little voices in my head tell me that it's the only way! Oh, you mean television shows like CSI and Law & Order and the news? Oh. "There's no way you're going to drift into a peaceful sleep after 30 to 60 minutes of watching violence and listening to disturbing stories." Fine, no problem. I've probably been watching Friends episodes since 6 p.m. anyway. And the only thing disturbing about those are the mid-90s fashion choices. Could those pants BE higher-waisted?

"And THAT, is what we call, closure."
Can someone bring me some sweats?
I could use these pants as a bra.

Fight brain clutter. "Every time you start thinking about bills or work... turn off your brain and focus on something less stimulating." Bills and work are pretty much the only things I think about these days, but I can always think about Mike...

No, those thoughts would be much too stimulating. (Dirty!)

Daybreak to Storm Clouds

I woke up to this:

Oooh, pretty!

And came home to this:

Oooh, rainy! Boo!

So I made hot chocolate.

Try to Figure Out THIS One, Because I Sure Can't

I have bad luck with work bathrooms. Remember this lovely incident? Lord above.

Today confirmed my fantastically horrific luck (or perhaps my impeccable timing!).

This afternoon, I headed to the ladies', pushed open the door to the very small, very two-stalled room, and... came face to face with a woman sitting in a random chair. Studying. She was sitting in the minuscule bathroom. Studying. In the bathroom.

I started to say, "Are you kidding me?" but stopped. I did say it to myself, though. Several times. Because, really? In the GD BATHROOM?

And then? I got the stage fright. I couldn't pee.

Now, I know that the museum can be a busy place - we had four school groups here today, with over 100 people in each group. They were loud and rambunctious and we had to post ourselves at the elevator on each floor to make sure that the little darlings weren't fucking with the controls. They were, and I got to use my teacher voice and tell them that they weren't allowed on the elevator without a chaperone. Which brings me to: where the hell were the chaperones? These weren't high school students - they were 3rd graders. What the hell? Apparently it's intelligent to let the little monsters run around the museum like dipshit hillbillies.

Anyway, it was a busy, loud, ridiculous day. But those groups have been gone for two hours. Why study in the bathroom? WHY IN THE BATHROOM? WHY?

Stupid, Stupid

I saw this on fark the other day. I don't know why it's so funny, but it is.

Some Reasons Why I Need a Full-Time Job

1. I almost bought this while watching QVC. QV fucking C. What the hell is wrong with me? (It might have been HSN. I don't know. I was enraptured by the effeminate man shaving his forearm.)

2. I printed out the daily crossword online because I was too lazy to walk to campus and get a paper.

3. Lately, much of my free time is spent emailing businesses about their products. I told Ben & Jerry's that the pint of chocolate chip cookie dough I bought was stale (the cookie dough chunks were powdery. Powdery!), and they are sending me a refund. I told Dove that the smell of their latest shampoo gave me a migraine and they sent me coupons for several free products. I still have to email the Bigelow tea people about their Pomegranate Pizzazz tea, as it tasted rancid. Because this is apparently who I am now, people. I am the crotchety old man who yells at the damn kids to get off his lawn and complains about how nothing works like it used to.

(Also, can we talk about my grammar in that last paragraph? Ugh.)

(Also, crotchety. Hee!)

4. I'm freaking out that my fridge is going to explode because it's making noises no sane fridge should ever emit. It sounds like a dying badger.

5. I fell asleep here, at 2 p.m., clutching that exact box of Trader Joe's O's:


I really think that I might need the fear.

Enchanted

Oh my GOSH. I got Disney's Enchanted from Netflix yesterday and it was a perfect movie to watch on such a dreary day.

I am an admitted girly-girl, and I think that if I had to pick my favorite movie of all time, it would be Sleeping Beauty. (Followed closely by Roman Holiday and The Princess Bride.) In our negative world, who doesn't love the idea of living "happily ever after?"

I wasn't exactly sure what to expect from Enchanted, but to be honest, I thought that it was going to be cheesy. I know - this coming from the girl who openly admits her love of animated chick flicks.

Giselle (Amy Adams), about to marry her prince charming, Edward (James Marsden), is cruelly sent to real-life New York City by his evil mother (Susan Sarandon), determined to keep her throne - she'll be forced to step down once he marries, you see. Of course, a sweet, unassuming cartoon princess has no place in mean, nasty NYC, and after climbing out of a sewer, the now human Giselle wanders about the city, confused and scared, searching for the castle.

While sitting in a cab with her father, Robert (Patrick Dempsey), Morgan (Rachel Covey) spots Giselle on a "castle" billboard and rescues her. She seems a bit, well... deranged, so they take her to their fabulous apartment.

But Prince Edward has come to the Big Apple in order to save his bride! Tagging along is the Queen's henchman, Nathaniel (Timothy Spall), and he is up to no good.

What follows is an absolutely delightful take on Disney's classic masterpieces. The majority of the film pulled from Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Snow White, but there are touches of The Sound of Music, The Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast as well. It was so fun to watch!

Then, the music. The music was wonderful, and I can totally see why three different songs were nominated for Academy Awards - they're fun, catchy, unique, and even a little tongue-in-cheek. I have this one in my head, and it won't go away. And I don't care!




Amy Adams is inspired as Giselle, and her singing voice is lovely. James Marsden steals every scene with his over-the-top portrayal as the Prince. Patrick Dempsey is pretty good, but I still think that his best work was in Can't Buy Me Love. Susan Sarandon plays evil quite well. Oh, and Julie Andrews narrates. They weren't fucking around with this one.

Stakeout

Right. So I love me some Netflix. This is no surprise. Here's yet another reason to love it: I can get cheesy 80s flicks like Stakeout delivered directly to my door. And then I can watch them. And no one can judge me. Well, except you people.

Stakeout. Wow. Let me just start with the last line:

"What a boner."

And we hear it more than once throughout the movie. Hee! I wish that I could use it as a segway into a review, but the movie wasn't horrible. It wasn't, really! Sure, it was cliche and 80s, and Dreyfuss and Estevez were rocking the porn 'staches, but it was also suspenseful, entertaining, and at times, pretty damn funny. Also, did I mention the mustaches?

"We look like smarmy idiots.
Also, I don't think she's wearing pantyhose..."

The premise: An escaped convict is on the loose and it's feared that he might appear at his ex-girlfriend's house in Seattle. The police department, along with the FBI, conveniently rent the house directly across the street and throw detectives into the un-remodeled mess for some good time, 24-hour surveillance. Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez (Chris and Bill, respectively) get the night shift and proceed to eat junk food and make semi-disgusting man-like comments.

Their prey? Is Maria (Madeleine Stowe). And she is hot. Smoking hot. (Well, 1980s hot, but still.) It just so happens that they have some high-powered spy equipment RIGHT HERE!

So what's the first rule of Fight Club? I mean, surveillance? Don't get noticed. Right. And don't talk about surveillance.

So what does Chris do? Well, that dumb bastard falls in love with Maria. This, of course, does not bode well when Mr. Convict shows up at her house. Here is where most 80s flicks would cue the hijinks, but instead, this is where it actually gets a little violent and sad.

But then everything is wrapped up in a nice little bow and we get to hear Martin Sheen's son say, "boner." So it's pretty much worth watching. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Pop Quiz!

Let's play a little game, shall we? I'll show you two pictures, and you have to guess which one was taken in DC in the last week, and which was taken in Michigan. Ready..... okay!

1. DC or Michigan?

2. DC or Michigan?