Sleep is For Pussies

Mike saved a Reader's Digest for me because it contained an article entitled, "Surefire Strategies For a Better Night's Sleep," and because he's a sweetheart who wants me to sleep better.

Or be less cranky. Whatever. I didn't question his motives.

The article argues that needing or wanting sleep has always been considered a sign of weakness for men, but women are starting to see it that way, too. Because your body thrives on sleep and uses those lovely hours to repair the damage you did to your body during the day, missing out on even an hour can make a huge, and negative, difference. Here are some of the recommendations I took to heart:

Wake up at the same time every day. "The second your eyes flutter open, light shoots down the optic nerve and into the brain's biological clock." Doesn't that sound... painful? Regardless, I've been getting up at 7 all week, and I can sense a difference. And I've only taken one whole nap all week.

Manage the electronics. Hmmm. I stand at my computer for an insane amount of time each day, and it usually gets switched off minutes before I climb into bed. Apparently this is bad.

No caffeine within six to ten hours of bed. This includes my preciousssss. My tea. And I drink about six cups of that a day. So... drink hot water instead? Don't drink anything at all? The article fails to mention what to do if you consistently get up to pee in the middle of the night, however. And... I don't have that problem, though. No. Not at all.

Buy a new mattress. Sure! I'll get two while I'm at it. Will you pay for it, Reader's Digest?

Cool it. "Turn down the thermostat a few degrees before you climb into bed." No problem:

I'm a "digital comfort set."
And a massive LIAR.

Avoid murder and mayhem. But, the little voices in my head tell me that it's the only way! Oh, you mean television shows like CSI and Law & Order and the news? Oh. "There's no way you're going to drift into a peaceful sleep after 30 to 60 minutes of watching violence and listening to disturbing stories." Fine, no problem. I've probably been watching Friends episodes since 6 p.m. anyway. And the only thing disturbing about those are the mid-90s fashion choices. Could those pants BE higher-waisted?

"And THAT, is what we call, closure."
Can someone bring me some sweats?
I could use these pants as a bra.

Fight brain clutter. "Every time you start thinking about bills or work... turn off your brain and focus on something less stimulating." Bills and work are pretty much the only things I think about these days, but I can always think about Mike...

No, those thoughts would be much too stimulating. (Dirty!)