Ms. Psycho-Senility 2005

As a front desk receptionist (with an MA, but whatever, at least it's a job, right?), I get a ton of wacko calls. As the receptionist at my place of business, I get ridiculously whacked-out calls.

One thing that people across the Institution tend to do is transfer the wackos to randoms. I have absolutely NO idea how today's wacko got to my extension, but it was either someone who is completely clueless as to what my office does, or someone who deeply hates my office and wanted to give me a fucking stress-induced attack.

Please note that I am transcribing the call almost word-for-word, though the senile bitch on the other line did not let me finish a sentence, so I've included the words that I would have said, had I not been interrupted:

"Hello, Office of That Which is Wasting My Time and Not Paying Me Enough?"

"YES. I NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE ABOUT A COPY OF THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS."

"Thank you for your call, ma'am, but this office doesn't have anything to do with artifacts."

"I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME HOW MUCH THIS COPY OF THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS COSTS. ALSO, I HAVE A COPY OF THE ARTICLES OF CONFEDERATION."

"Ma'am, the National Archives..."

"NO. NO NO NO. I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME HOW MUCH THEY ARE WORTH."

"Yes, well, according to federal law, curators at the Institution of Low Pay are not permitted to give appraisals on..."

"NO! NO NO NO! I must TALK to someone who can tell me about these documents."

(Does she really have a copy of the Gettysburg Address and a copy of the Articles of Confederation? All the signs at the mental ward are pointing to "no," but I can't just hang up on her...)

First of all, I have absolutely NO idea why this whackjob was transferred to me. My office handles grants and contracts - we aren't even in a GD museum, so why would we have anything to do with documents that obviously only exist in this woman's head? Who in their right MIND would transfer her to me?

"Okay ma'am, let me put you on hold while I look up the best place to transfer you."

"Don't you DARE transfer me ag..."

Lah di dah. Where in the hell do I transfer this psychopath? Ooooh, I have it! Archives!

"Ma'am, please hold while..."

"WHERE ARE YOU TRANSFERRING ME TO?"

I got bitchy. It was unavoidable. "Ma'am, if you hadn't interrupted me, you would have heard me say that I am transferring you to the Archives." And I put her on HOLD.

And then it happened. I dialed the wrong number. I didn't mean to. My finger slipped. Oops. I now had a situation. I could get back on the line and explain to her that I made a mistake, which obviously was NOT going to happen, or I could continue on and let her annoy the poor soul at the next unfortunate extension.

And then it hit me: Why should I fix the dialing mistake? The person before me must have made a mistake as well. And because Ms. Psycho-Senility 2005 was transferred to me, she didn't have my number = absolutely no way of calling me back... It all made perfect sense!

So I transferred her.

I apologize to whoever answered the line. Profusely.