If You Don't Watch Her Show, You Might Not Understand 83% of This Post

So I was watching "The Barefoot Contessa" last night - I had DVRed about 30 episodes and needed to get into them or delete them.

So she was cooking dinner for a couple who had won a charity auction. Can you imagine? Dinner with Ina? It would most likely be the most awkward thing that I can fathom. Ina would show up in her best over-sized denim shirt and talk about the flower arrangements and how her husband travels all of the time and demands roast chicken every Friday night.

Note: The auction was to "preserve the Hamptons," or at least that's what Ina said.

But the whole time I was watching, I couldn't help but remember her most recent newsworthy item: A "Make a Wish" kid, dying of leukemia, wanted to cook with Ina as his wish. Awwwww!

Obviously, this raises some questions: Why not Giada? She's got the killer rack and the amazingly huge head - it would be like cooking with an x-rated bobblehead!

Compare that to Ina: When Mike was forwarding through the commercials, he hit play perfectly. "I didn't know to stop until I saw a person taking up the entire screen." Exactly, Mike. Exactly.

So this kid wants to cook with Ina? Easy-peasy right?

WELL INA DOESN'T HAVE TIME. She is SO busy. She has recipes to type and shows to tape and book signings to attend! She can't take an hour out of her day to cook with a DYING CHILD.

Oh my God. My dilemma is now, do I watch her show anymore? I mean, I probably will, but should I?

Anyway, foodnetworkhumor.com has a "Top 10 Reasons Ina Garten Rejected the "Make a Wish" Foundation Boy," and it's much funnier than anything I came up with. Because honestly, one needs good vanilla in one's pantry at all times.

Let the Right One In

Oskar is a lonely kid. Overweight and bullied at school, he's allowed himself to fall into routines just to avoid the daily beatings and constant humiliations from his peers. Strangely macabre, he collects newspaper articles about murders and reads stories about Jack the Ripper. Living in a manufactured town that seems to be forever stuck in a loop, people go about their business, their routines, letting each day end and the next begin the exact same way as the day before.

But as several grisly murders make the community, routines are chucked to the sideroads, and the community is forever wary of what lies in the darkness.

Oskar soon befriends Eli, a girl who has moved into his complex. She's a little weird, though. He never sees her during the day, she never seems to be properly dressed, and she... smells horrible. But she's nice to him, which is a welcome and desperately sought form of affection.

With an intertwining cast of colorful, perfectly constructed characters, they are all somehow touched by Eli. Oskar benefits the most from his friendship, growing into his own confidence and making adult decisions that will forever change his life.

This is a chilling, haunting book, and a welcome twist to the vampire genre. However cliched those adjectives are, they are the absolute best ways to describe John Ajvide Lindqvist's novel. On the one hand, a sweet coming-of-age tale, on the other, a vicious attack on the dangers of complacency, Let the Right One In is one of the best books I've read in years.

Anthropologie, You Make Too Many Weird Things That I Want

Is it bad that I want to spend $58 on a watering can when I don't have anything to water?

Evil Genius Cat #2?

I love living with Mike, believe me, but there were bound to be a few things that I would miss about living in my little place in Ann Arbor.

I miss my back deck and feeling like I was amongst the branches of the trees in my backyard; I miss my backyard just because I had a backyard; I miss my neighborhood for its relatively quiet yet crazy hippies...

But most of all, I miss Evil Genius Cat. For the last few chilly months, he was huddled inside the neighbor's house, most likely curled up on someone's feet or possibly blocking the television, rarely venturing outside. Whenever he was outside, however, he was always waiting for me to come walking down the sidewalk after work.

Where have I been? Where have YOU been?
I swear to GOD, if you don't pet me I will end you. NOW.

He did make an appearance when I was packing up recently, which was nice, but I'm hoping to see him next week, when I get the remainder of my junk from the apartment.

In the meantime, I walked out of my new place to find this on the doorstep:

Look at how fat and large and orange I am!
Love me! LOVE ME.

Hooker Prom!

When I stopped for tea the other morning, I passed by a bridal shop in the same shopping center. With prom right around the corner, I wasn't surprised to see some prom dresses in the window, but I was surprised to see... these:

Hello, I am here for the garden party.
I forgot my hat, though. And my panties.
Oh, my nipple's showing? Aha ha ha!

I wasn't sure which animal print would look best.
So I got ALL of them, including the rare rosy pink giraffe.
He... didn't die quietly.

This one must be from Beauty and the Beast LIVE!
Sure it looks tame, but the back is actually cut out to reveal assless chaps.
"Please enter this way?" INDEED.

This... I sort of like.
It's whimsically pretty.

Most recently paired with a turban and worn by Joan Collins on Dynasty.

And after prom, we are going FLAMENCO DANCING.

True story: Rupaul wore this on a recent African safari.

New View: Foggy

This is the view from the front door of the condo, and I love it. There are so many birds and squirrels in there, being merry.


I have to admit, this is a better view than that from my beloved balcony. I saw birds from there occasionally, yes, but I mostly saw into the next door neighbor's backyard, where they kept things that they must have obsessively picked up off of curbs and at garage sales.

Soon, these trees will have leaves, and the birds will frolic. Frolic!

Curly, Evil, Murderous Trees, or Misunderstood Freaks?

I don't know why I am so obsessed with these trees, but I live in constant awe/fear of them. On the one hand, they just want to grow and be merry, but they have been trimmed into a grotesque shape to suit our electrical needs.

On the other hand, they look like they are transplants from Return to Oz, ready to murder at a moment's notice.



I snapped these shots when stuck behind a school bus or something equally irritating that involved children, and I was especially drawn to the curly branch of this tree:

It's curly and awesome, and yet TERRIFYING.

Oh My God, Why Did She Use Those Quotes? Why??!

So I've moved in with Mike, almost completely. Some of my random junk still remains at my apartment, because my hippie landlord gave me until the end of April to get everything out.

Well, she decided on an early return to Ann Arbor from North or South Carolina - or wherever the fuck she goes in the winter to smoke whatever the hell she smokes - which has seriously thrown my gradual moving plan into a whirlwind.

She noticed that the furniture was gone, yet other things remained. The closets still held shoes and coats and boxes. The kitchen looked untouched, with glasses and dishes still on the shelves. And Lord help her if she opened the fridge, because whatever smells she encountered were entirely her fault.

Her fault!

So she predictably freaked the fuck out and started calling and emailing me, demanding that I retrieve my things.

The next day, she had relaxed and apologized for her crabbiness, and I got this email:

"Actually Tuesday at 4:00 isn't going to work for me. I have a "thing" from about 7pm through about 2am and I'm going to need that time to sleep and get ready or I won't make my "events." I had the same situation today but because I didn't get my nap in, I came home at 10:00 and missed stuff. Anyway, after Tuesday everybody will be gone and you can come anytime."

What "thing?" Why the quotes? What "events?" What is she talking about!??!? Why does she need to rest?

This is quite disturbing.

Obviously, my first thought is that she was attending some kind of multi-day hippie orgy. This would make the most sense, as she is a total hippie, and old enough that a daily nap would be pretty much necessary. Especially if she was resting up for such "events."

I later discovered that she was attending a bunch of concerts and parties related to the fact that Iggy Pop and the Stooges were back in town. Kind of a disappointment, sure, but I suppose I should be relieved that she wasn't hosting hippie orgies at my old apartment.

The orgy leader?

The Day Sammy Drove to the Mall

The end.

P.S. Why are we so weird?

This is Why They Shouldn't Allow Internet At Work

Okay, so clearly I loves me some internets, and I just can't ignore stuff like regretsy, look at this fucking hipster, and one of my all-time favorites: passive aggressive notes. Today I bring you: The Wu-Tang Name Generator.

So I clearly spent about twenty minutes plugging in the names of everyone I know including my boss. But his result was boring, so I bring you:

--Me: Quiet Worlock
--Mike: Tha Overlord

I have a feeling that Mike will enjoy his result, but I don't like that my Wu-Tang name has a tie to Crackpot Charlie Sheen.

But then, I wanted to know how different our results would be if I included our middle names.

--Me: Lazy-Assed Beggar
--Mike: Arrogant Conqueror

What the hell? Why does Mike get the awesome leader-type names, and I am deemed lazy? I mean, it's possible that I spend more time sleeping than awake, but that doesn't mean anything.

Let's see what other names generate, shall we?

My brother: Phantom Commander
Kari: Irate Destroyer
K-10: Shriekin' Leader
Emily: Vulgar Wizard
Tim: Dynamic Hunter
Helen: B-loved Mastermind

Okay, maybe I should get back to work...

"It's Michigan. This is normal."

Look at this lovely, snowy day! It seems so nice and serene. Of course, it doesn't seem so nice when it's APRIL 18TH.







And everyone is all, "It's Michigan. This is normal."

NO IT IS NOT NORMAL. This does not happen every year.

Michigan, you and your weather are treading a very fine line.

Chronicles of Cohabitation

Moving in with Mike has been quite an experience. When you take two people who are more than slightly OCD and overly organized and place them in a two-bedroom condo, you might think that the foundation would soon begin to erode.

But it's been awesome! I have come to understand that he likes things a certain way, and he has come to understand that I am more than likely going to change things and drive him crazy.

The kitchen, however stereotypically, is MINE. The only appliance Mike uses on a regular basis is the microwave, and I needed to drastically alter the setup. I only gave him a few minor heart attacks by changing things without telling him (like switching the cabinet that held dishes with the cabinet that held glassware), but now I've learned to alert him to upcoming changes, and he's fine!

Or so he says.

But I knew from the start that he was the man for me. Look at the closet:

It's so... beautiful!

Anyone who meticulously arranges his clothes like that is perfect in my book. I've been color-coordinating my closet since college!

PERFECT MATCH.

Of course, this is what it looks like now that I've moved in all of my things:

I... have too much stuff.

Winter's Bone

Winter's Bone is bitter and loving, heartwarming and cold, terrifying and uplifting. I liked it and I hated it.

Ree Dolly is a strong woman. At sixteen, she is already the head of the household, unceremoniously tasked with the care of her two young brothers and a near-catatonic mother. Deep in the Ozarks, she has learned at a young age what it takes to survive in near poverty. After leaving school to run the family, she has had enough hardship in her sixteen years. And now that her father has run off - again - she's the closest thing to an adult figure.

On a crisp morning, the sheriff appears at the door with sobering news. At the time of her father's last arrest for the manufacture of crystal meth, he posted bail and fled. His court date is approaching, and if he doesn't show, the family is going to lose their home. It seems that he put up the house as collateral, with apparently no thought of what this would mean for his family.

Residents of the Ozarks are all distantly related, and though being related by blood is supposed to "mean something," Ree discovers that there are many secrets that need to remain hidden.

Ree embarks on a dangerous journey to locate her father, entering areas in which she is violently not welcome. She's told to mind her own business, and slowly comes to terms with the fact that her father may no longer be alive. Caring less about her father's fate than the livelihood of her mother and brothers, she encounters the worst sides of the human spirit and the antithesis of family. While some show her kindness, Ree is deemed dangerous and her search soon escalates into a fight for the truth. And survival.

While bleak, Winter's Bone still manages to have hope. The reader is never sure of Ree's fate, and suffers with her. Daniel Woodrell has delivered a powerful novel that keeps the reader engaged, always wanting to learn more, no matter how painful and horrible.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Emily: "I told these guys about the punk ass dinosaur gang. They said they could take them.... They think they have a leg up because they aren't extinct. :)"

OH IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BROUGHTEN.

Ownership

Moving in with Mike gave me the opportunity to unload a bunch of my things, and my brother and Kari were the recipients of a good amount of crap including clothes for my nieces, my old computer from grad school, two televisions (why did I have two?), furniture, artwork, a CD alarm clock, and a mini fan. And a lamp. Steven basically went shopping in my house while he was there to help me move.

(Note: I have too much stuff.)

Anyway, I also handed over two of the best chairs in existence - this kick ass lounger from Ikea, and the nest chair of dreams. Of course, one of the household members took to it first. And won't give it up, apparently:

Bruiser like chair. Bruiser not move.

Apartment Love

Now that I'm packing up my life once again, I've realized that I've lived in this adorable apartment longer than anywhere else since leaving my parents' house for college. Three and a half years is a nice chunk of time, and I really thought that I would feel sad to give up that slice of my life.

But I'm not.

I know that one's twenties are generally spent moving around, seeing new places, and making new friends, and that's just what I did. I got a master's degree, worked at one of the coolest places in the world, and met the love of my life. And now I get to live with him!

I've been moving things in slowly over the past month, and it's definitely a learning process. I now know what is going to drive him completely crazy:

--> reorganizing the kitchen cabinets and not telling him
--> letting dry clothes sit in the dryer for days
--> clutter everything everywhere EVERYWHERE with random crap
--> forgetting about leftovers in the fridge for WAY too long

...Wow, I am a TREAT to live with, aren't I?

Anyway, merging two households has been interesting, and I look forward to what the future brings!

Judge Dredd: A Real Time Recap

This is my fault, really. I bought Mike the movie. I knew that I was going to have to watch it eventually. And now you all have to suffer my fate.

JUDGE DREDD

Opening...

Oh God. This guy's name is Andrew D. Vagina. Or Vajna. Whatever. This is going to suck.

Comic books appear on the screen. This movie was based on a comic book. Great. Clearly, things can only get better from here.

Apparently, it's the third millennium. The Earth is toast. Scorched. It's called, "The Cursed Earth." Cur-sed indeed.

People moved into MEGA CITIES. Law collapsed. An elite force ruled. Police, jury, and executioner ALL IN ONE. They are...

THE JUDGES.

Look at all this bling, you guys!

Oh my God, this is already bad. It looks like it's trying too hard to be Star Wars, just with fewer flowing robes.

Waitaminute. Diane Lane? DIANE LANE and her hotness is in this movie? Oh, Diane.

Oh sweet Christ, it's Rob Schneider. Okay, clearly they want me to hate this movie. He's just been released from prison for doing... something. He's wearing cargo shorts. It doesn't seem like that would be too smart in the third fucking millennium with the scorched, cursed earth, but what do I know?

Oh nice, they just dropped Schneider's ass into some sector with a "citizen riot in progress." Sounds like this is about to get good after all! He's about to get beat up by some thugs, and I really hope that he does.

There are a LOT of explosions going on. I hope that the judges come soon, because this street riot is getting OUT. OF. HAND.

Oh, sweet! Here they are! They look like G.I. Joe wannabes. NICE SPANDEX.

Wow, Diane Lane is a JUDGE. Even with half of her face covered, you can already tell how hot she is.

"You think I'm hot here?
You should see me in Indian Summer!"

Stallone. In all his glory! In spandex! His best acting role ever! "I AM. THE LAW." (In case you were wondering, it sounds exactly like, "AH DON'T WANT. YOUR LIFE.")

Oh my God, it's as glorious as I thought that it would be! He tells his gun (I've named him Floyd) to shoot a grenade. And Floyd obeys! Man, that would be a helpful weapon to have.

"Rapid fire, Floyd."

"Double whammy, Floyd!" (He actually says, "Double whammy," because that's a real command in the third millennium.)

Goddammit, Diane Lane is pissed! (Her name is Hershey? I am not calling her that.) Dredd just sent Schneider back to jail, which THANK GOD, but she thinks that he might have been telling the truth.

Sexy Judge Pajama Party! Oh, it's just a meeting. Apparently there have been too many riots, not enough resources, and it seems that they actually seem to care! Oh wait, no, they want to execute people for lesser crimes - it'll free up valuable space in the city! It's like A Modest Proposal, except that they're serious.

Dredd is getting talked at for all of his "summary executions." He says that they were "unavoidable." You know what else is unavoidable? Death. And I feel that mine is coming soon. Well, that's too bad - Dredd has to go back to the Judgey Academy to learn about ethics (business ethics?). His mentor seems like a nice guy.

Oooh, a bad guy! It seems that he is a former Judge who went batshit insane. Annnd, he escapes. Didn't see that one coming!

Dredd is now lecturing students at the Judgey Academy. They will have to "take law to the lawless. Class dismissed."

Oooh, shower scene! Girls and boys together! Oh sweet GOD, Stallone is wearing a UNITARD.

He lectures Diane Lane and her cleavage about the loneliness of being a Judge. Dredd admits to only ever having one friend. Well, how can that be when he's wearing that unitard? So tight!

Okay, crazy batshit guy just killed a bunch of people and escaped maximum supreme Judge prison. His name is Rico. I like that.

Rico enters a pawn shop and gives the owner a code name: Lazarus. GET IT? The package is not a penis, but an old Judge outfit. Oooh look, he killed the owner.

OH MY GOD, it's not a Judge outfit (I should have guessed that given the lack of spandex), but a ROBOT JUDGE. He's got red eyes, and I think that he's ANGRY, SMASH! Rico tells him that he's going to war. "WAAAAAAAARRRRR!" Yay!

Spoiler alert!
Sometime in the future, Diane Lane gets manhandled
by a giant killer robot judge.

Oh look! The dad from Dharma and Greg is a reporter, and he wants to... nevermind, Dredd just showed up and obliterated him and his age-appropriate wife! The camera makes sure to zoom in on Dredd's name badge. Ohhhhhh, maybe it's not him. Oooooohhh, maybe it is...

HOLY CRAP ON TOAST. Dredd has now been arrested for those murders. There's going to be a tribunal. He wants Diane Lane as his millennial lawyer. I guess he never got to that Remedial Ethics class, huh?

Now they are talking about DNA evidence and bullets and other crap. Sounds important, but I am working on finishing this beer...

Oh, Dredd said "I AM THE LAW" again. It is awesome. Except... looks like he's guilty! I can't believe that happened!

Dredd's mentor (the Chief Justice) is having a massive crisis of conscience. He has the power to save Dredd's life, but that means going on THE WALK, which means that he retires and goes on some come-to-Jesus walkabout, and that is the sign for the Council to honor his last wishes or some bullshit.

With his mentor stepping down and taking THE WALK, Dredd is found guilty, but sentenced to life in prison instead of execution

It does seem like the new Chief Justice has an ulterior motive, since he was the one who suggested that the former Chief retire and go on THE WALK... Hmmm...

Dredd is stripped of his title and his weapons (bye Floyd!) and is left in his OH MY GOD MY EYES unitard. Warn a girl, will you? God.

Old Chief Justice/Dredd Mentor is leaving the city for THE WALK. I wish he didn't have to go. I like him. I don't really understand why a retiring judge has to leave this gorgeous, murderous Eden. It doesn't make sense. At least he's wearing clothes, though, and not a unitard. Old man balls would be gross.

Oh my, new Chief Justice and Crazy Rico are in cahoots, and the ROBOT JUDGE doesn't seem to like the smell of the Chief. God, I hope he eats him. The new Chief wants chaos! Fear racing through every street! FEAR! There's a plot afoot, it seems. I think it's going to involve the ROBOT JUDGE, but I can't be sure. This movie is not predictable at all.

So Dredd is on his way to prison in Aspen, which they make sound like Hell, but, oh wait - he's sitting next to Rob Schneider. I guess they were correct about Hell after all.

Dredd cannot explain why the law made a mistake. He's always believed in the law. It's his life! How did it let him down? Where are his PANTS for Chrissakes?!?!?

Oh good. Hill people live out here. Every movie needs Hill people. They shoot down the transport plane because them's hungry! There's good pickins on them there plane!

"Durrrrrrrr..."

Diane Lane no longer has access to the computer. Oh no! Someone's on to her.

Search and rescue judges inspect the wreck, and everyone's dead. But Dredd is missing. SON OF A BITCH.

Okay, it IS hell. Dredd and SCHNEIDER are hanging by their thumbs from the ceiling of the Hill People's shack. It's almost time for the rotisserie!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's a Frankenstein/Sloth monster. "I don't suggest you make him angry." You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

"Hey! You! Guys!"

Apparently, this Hill family is famous for being crossbred mutants. They scavenge for body parts! Jim-Bob wants Dredd's ears. Yeah, that's what I would choose. They're about to barbeque Schneider, and I am about to start enjoying this movie.

Lord, if you kill Schneider and his "comic relief" soon, I will watch all of the shitty movies that Mike wants!

Nevermind. Dredd escaped and saved the day. Schneider lives, and I die a little inside.

The search and rescue team has found them, and Dredd predictably kills everyone. So HOW does Schneider continue to live?

Oh look, Obi Wan is back! Yay for Former Chief Judge! Nope, that Frankenstein/Sloth creature this just stabbed him. And I hate this movie again.

Chief Judge death scene. Apparently a machete through one's spine is not enough to kill a Judge. Not Obi Wan judge at least. And here comes the death bed confession:

Something about a picture being digitally altered... blah, blah, blah, Dredd is a test tube baby, created to be the perfect judging machine. There was a twin. AN EVIL TWIN (because of course there was). There was a mutation, and it turns out that it was Rico! He was turned into the perfect criminal, and then Dredd "judged" him.

THEY WERE BROTHERS, YOU GUYS! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!

Lamest death scene ever. No fading into nothing! But he's part of the force now.

Bad guy meeting. This, I'm not so interested in. Something more about being created in a lab. Oh right, it's Rico. And he's still crazy. And that horrible Josie Packard from Twin Peaks is on the bad guy team, because apparently this movie CAN get worse.

"I was the absolute worst thing about Twin Peaks.
And there was a backwards-talking, dancing midget on that show."

Also, they live in THE Mega City. Creative, people of the future!

ROBOT JUDGE is on a killing rampage, and it's AWESOME. Diane Lane is out there and I really hope that she and her magnificent breasts stay safe.

Wow, 96 Judges have been killed so far in MEGA CITY. What to do? Well, PROJECT JANUS of course! Accelerated growth incubators for more test tube Judges. Yes, that makes good sense. Let's do that.

Dredd and Schneider are going to sneak into MEGA CITY through the incinerator, which only flares up every 30 seconds. This has GOT to be when Schneider dies, right?

Of course, before that, he wants an apology from Dredd. "The Law CAN'T apologize! I've never apologized!" Drama queen. Whatever, time to run through the fire.

They didn't get burned up, even with Schneider FALLING DOWN (because of course he did) but they DID end up in the trash chute. Oh wait, no, that's Star Wars again. It's an ash pile instead.

Oooh, the Judge's Council is accessing PROJECT JANUS. Something is happening! It will take only eight hours to grow an adult subject (more test tube Judges like Dredd, for those of you not paying attention). One guy doesn't want to play God. Apparently God still exists in the third millennium. Tell that to Time magazine.

Annnnd, here's that Rico dick, and he just killed the Judge's Council. Even the token lady. Ah, and HERE is when Dredd meets his evil twin, and they don't immediately shoot each other which would end the movie and save hours of my life. "Brothers don't shake hands! Brothers HUG!"

Fight scene, blah blah blah, explosions, escape on hovercraft bike things. "Humorous" exchange with Schneider, who is STILL ALIVE, even though Dredd has killed about ten thousand people already.

Dredd and Schneider waltz into Diane Lane's apartment like they live there, and Diane Lane cocks her gun at him. Hee hee, cock.

Bad guys conference! Rico is going to use his DNA to make all the new judges. This is actually a very well-crafted plan! Color me impressed, Rico! We'll find out in eight hours if it works. Yay! But new Chief Judge is not on board with this plan. Time for KILLER ROBOT JUDGE. Yay!

Seriously, if I never have to see anyone is spandex ever again, I will be happy.

KILLER ROBOT JUDGE is here to kill Dredd and Diane Lane! Rico wants to have an intimate chat. He shows Dredd the test tubes. They'll be born in two hours! Dredd can be the head of the council if he wants. Being the head of the test tubes would be the best family ever for him, I suppose...

SCHNEIDER TO THE RESCUE! He cuts some wires on KILLER ROBOT JUDGE who is not happy with this development.

Rico yells at the computer to HATCH THE CLONES and they start goo-ing forth in all their embryotic glory and it. is. GROSS.

Okay, there is the Statue of Liberty. What? So MEGA CITY is actually New York City? Who saw THAT coming?!?!?

Okay so this all comes down to a massive grudgefest because Dredd "judged" Rico and Rico is now "judging" Dredd for being human when "WE COULD HAVE BEEN GODS! RAHRRRR!"

Diane Lane saves the day by killing Rico. She kisses Dredd, and he wonders about the tingly feeling in his pants.

THE END.