Friday, April 01, 2011

Judge Dredd: A Real Time Recap

This is my fault, really. I bought Mike the movie. I knew that I was going to have to watch it eventually. And now you all have to suffer my fate.


Oh God. This guy's name is Andrew D. Vagina. Or Vajna. Whatever. This is going to suck.

Comic books appear on the screen. This movie was based on a comic book. Great. Clearly, things can only get better from here.

Apparently, it's the third millennium. The Earth is toast. Scorched. It's called, "The Cursed Earth." Cur-sed indeed.

People moved into MEGA CITIES. Law collapsed. An elite force ruled. Police, jury, and executioner ALL IN ONE. They are...


Look at all this bling, you guys!

Oh my God, this is already bad. It looks like it's trying too hard to be Star Wars, just with fewer flowing robes.

Waitaminute. Diane Lane? DIANE LANE and her hotness is in this movie? Oh, Diane.

Oh sweet Christ, it's Rob Schneider. Okay, clearly they want me to hate this movie. He's just been released from prison for doing... something. He's wearing cargo shorts. It doesn't seem like that would be too smart in the third fucking millennium with the scorched, cursed earth, but what do I know?

Oh nice, they just dropped Schneider's ass into some sector with a "citizen riot in progress." Sounds like this is about to get good after all! He's about to get beat up by some thugs, and I really hope that he does.

There are a LOT of explosions going on. I hope that the judges come soon, because this street riot is getting OUT. OF. HAND.

Oh, sweet! Here they are! They look like G.I. Joe wannabes. NICE SPANDEX.

Wow, Diane Lane is a JUDGE. Even with half of her face covered, you can already tell how hot she is.

"You think I'm hot here?
You should see me in Indian Summer!"

Stallone. In all his glory! In spandex! His best acting role ever! "I AM. THE LAW." (In case you were wondering, it sounds exactly like, "AH DON'T WANT. YOUR LIFE.")

Oh my God, it's as glorious as I thought that it would be! He tells his gun (I've named him Floyd) to shoot a grenade. And Floyd obeys! Man, that would be a helpful weapon to have.

"Rapid fire, Floyd."

"Double whammy, Floyd!" (He actually says, "Double whammy," because that's a real command in the third millennium.)

Goddammit, Diane Lane is pissed! (Her name is Hershey? I am not calling her that.) Dredd just sent Schneider back to jail, which THANK GOD, but she thinks that he might have been telling the truth.

Sexy Judge Pajama Party! Oh, it's just a meeting. Apparently there have been too many riots, not enough resources, and it seems that they actually seem to care! Oh wait, no, they want to execute people for lesser crimes - it'll free up valuable space in the city! It's like A Modest Proposal, except that they're serious.

Dredd is getting talked at for all of his "summary executions." He says that they were "unavoidable." You know what else is unavoidable? Death. And I feel that mine is coming soon. Well, that's too bad - Dredd has to go back to the Judgey Academy to learn about ethics (business ethics?). His mentor seems like a nice guy.

Oooh, a bad guy! It seems that he is a former Judge who went batshit insane. Annnd, he escapes. Didn't see that one coming!

Dredd is now lecturing students at the Judgey Academy. They will have to "take law to the lawless. Class dismissed."

Oooh, shower scene! Girls and boys together! Oh sweet GOD, Stallone is wearing a UNITARD.

He lectures Diane Lane and her cleavage about the loneliness of being a Judge. Dredd admits to only ever having one friend. Well, how can that be when he's wearing that unitard? So tight!

Okay, crazy batshit guy just killed a bunch of people and escaped maximum supreme Judge prison. His name is Rico. I like that.

Rico enters a pawn shop and gives the owner a code name: Lazarus. GET IT? The package is not a penis, but an old Judge outfit. Oooh look, he killed the owner.

OH MY GOD, it's not a Judge outfit (I should have guessed that given the lack of spandex), but a ROBOT JUDGE. He's got red eyes, and I think that he's ANGRY, SMASH! Rico tells him that he's going to war. "WAAAAAAAARRRRR!" Yay!

Spoiler alert!
Sometime in the future, Diane Lane gets manhandled
by a giant killer robot judge.

Oh look! The dad from Dharma and Greg is a reporter, and he wants to... nevermind, Dredd just showed up and obliterated him and his age-appropriate wife! The camera makes sure to zoom in on Dredd's name badge. Ohhhhhh, maybe it's not him. Oooooohhh, maybe it is...

HOLY CRAP ON TOAST. Dredd has now been arrested for those murders. There's going to be a tribunal. He wants Diane Lane as his millennial lawyer. I guess he never got to that Remedial Ethics class, huh?

Now they are talking about DNA evidence and bullets and other crap. Sounds important, but I am working on finishing this beer...

Oh, Dredd said "I AM THE LAW" again. It is awesome. Except... looks like he's guilty! I can't believe that happened!

Dredd's mentor (the Chief Justice) is having a massive crisis of conscience. He has the power to save Dredd's life, but that means going on THE WALK, which means that he retires and goes on some come-to-Jesus walkabout, and that is the sign for the Council to honor his last wishes or some bullshit.

With his mentor stepping down and taking THE WALK, Dredd is found guilty, but sentenced to life in prison instead of execution

It does seem like the new Chief Justice has an ulterior motive, since he was the one who suggested that the former Chief retire and go on THE WALK... Hmmm...

Dredd is stripped of his title and his weapons (bye Floyd!) and is left in his OH MY GOD MY EYES unitard. Warn a girl, will you? God.

Old Chief Justice/Dredd Mentor is leaving the city for THE WALK. I wish he didn't have to go. I like him. I don't really understand why a retiring judge has to leave this gorgeous, murderous Eden. It doesn't make sense. At least he's wearing clothes, though, and not a unitard. Old man balls would be gross.

Oh my, new Chief Justice and Crazy Rico are in cahoots, and the ROBOT JUDGE doesn't seem to like the smell of the Chief. God, I hope he eats him. The new Chief wants chaos! Fear racing through every street! FEAR! There's a plot afoot, it seems. I think it's going to involve the ROBOT JUDGE, but I can't be sure. This movie is not predictable at all.

So Dredd is on his way to prison in Aspen, which they make sound like Hell, but, oh wait - he's sitting next to Rob Schneider. I guess they were correct about Hell after all.

Dredd cannot explain why the law made a mistake. He's always believed in the law. It's his life! How did it let him down? Where are his PANTS for Chrissakes?!?!?

Oh good. Hill people live out here. Every movie needs Hill people. They shoot down the transport plane because them's hungry! There's good pickins on them there plane!


Diane Lane no longer has access to the computer. Oh no! Someone's on to her.

Search and rescue judges inspect the wreck, and everyone's dead. But Dredd is missing. SON OF A BITCH.

Okay, it IS hell. Dredd and SCHNEIDER are hanging by their thumbs from the ceiling of the Hill People's shack. It's almost time for the rotisserie!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's a Frankenstein/Sloth monster. "I don't suggest you make him angry." You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

"Hey! You! Guys!"

Apparently, this Hill family is famous for being crossbred mutants. They scavenge for body parts! Jim-Bob wants Dredd's ears. Yeah, that's what I would choose. They're about to barbeque Schneider, and I am about to start enjoying this movie.

Lord, if you kill Schneider and his "comic relief" soon, I will watch all of the shitty movies that Mike wants!

Nevermind. Dredd escaped and saved the day. Schneider lives, and I die a little inside.

The search and rescue team has found them, and Dredd predictably kills everyone. So HOW does Schneider continue to live?

Oh look, Obi Wan is back! Yay for Former Chief Judge! Nope, that Frankenstein/Sloth creature this just stabbed him. And I hate this movie again.

Chief Judge death scene. Apparently a machete through one's spine is not enough to kill a Judge. Not Obi Wan judge at least. And here comes the death bed confession:

Something about a picture being digitally altered... blah, blah, blah, Dredd is a test tube baby, created to be the perfect judging machine. There was a twin. AN EVIL TWIN (because of course there was). There was a mutation, and it turns out that it was Rico! He was turned into the perfect criminal, and then Dredd "judged" him.


Lamest death scene ever. No fading into nothing! But he's part of the force now.

Bad guy meeting. This, I'm not so interested in. Something more about being created in a lab. Oh right, it's Rico. And he's still crazy. And that horrible Josie Packard from Twin Peaks is on the bad guy team, because apparently this movie CAN get worse.

"I was the absolute worst thing about Twin Peaks.
And there was a backwards-talking, dancing midget on that show."

Also, they live in THE Mega City. Creative, people of the future!

ROBOT JUDGE is on a killing rampage, and it's AWESOME. Diane Lane is out there and I really hope that she and her magnificent breasts stay safe.

Wow, 96 Judges have been killed so far in MEGA CITY. What to do? Well, PROJECT JANUS of course! Accelerated growth incubators for more test tube Judges. Yes, that makes good sense. Let's do that.

Dredd and Schneider are going to sneak into MEGA CITY through the incinerator, which only flares up every 30 seconds. This has GOT to be when Schneider dies, right?

Of course, before that, he wants an apology from Dredd. "The Law CAN'T apologize! I've never apologized!" Drama queen. Whatever, time to run through the fire.

They didn't get burned up, even with Schneider FALLING DOWN (because of course he did) but they DID end up in the trash chute. Oh wait, no, that's Star Wars again. It's an ash pile instead.

Oooh, the Judge's Council is accessing PROJECT JANUS. Something is happening! It will take only eight hours to grow an adult subject (more test tube Judges like Dredd, for those of you not paying attention). One guy doesn't want to play God. Apparently God still exists in the third millennium. Tell that to Time magazine.

Annnnd, here's that Rico dick, and he just killed the Judge's Council. Even the token lady. Ah, and HERE is when Dredd meets his evil twin, and they don't immediately shoot each other which would end the movie and save hours of my life. "Brothers don't shake hands! Brothers HUG!"

Fight scene, blah blah blah, explosions, escape on hovercraft bike things. "Humorous" exchange with Schneider, who is STILL ALIVE, even though Dredd has killed about ten thousand people already.

Dredd and Schneider waltz into Diane Lane's apartment like they live there, and Diane Lane cocks her gun at him. Hee hee, cock.

Bad guys conference! Rico is going to use his DNA to make all the new judges. This is actually a very well-crafted plan! Color me impressed, Rico! We'll find out in eight hours if it works. Yay! But new Chief Judge is not on board with this plan. Time for KILLER ROBOT JUDGE. Yay!

Seriously, if I never have to see anyone is spandex ever again, I will be happy.

KILLER ROBOT JUDGE is here to kill Dredd and Diane Lane! Rico wants to have an intimate chat. He shows Dredd the test tubes. They'll be born in two hours! Dredd can be the head of the council if he wants. Being the head of the test tubes would be the best family ever for him, I suppose...

SCHNEIDER TO THE RESCUE! He cuts some wires on KILLER ROBOT JUDGE who is not happy with this development.

Rico yells at the computer to HATCH THE CLONES and they start goo-ing forth in all their embryotic glory and it. is. GROSS.

Okay, there is the Statue of Liberty. What? So MEGA CITY is actually New York City? Who saw THAT coming?!?!?

Okay so this all comes down to a massive grudgefest because Dredd "judged" Rico and Rico is now "judging" Dredd for being human when "WE COULD HAVE BEEN GODS! RAHRRRR!"

Diane Lane saves the day by killing Rico. She kisses Dredd, and he wonders about the tingly feeling in his pants.



jal said...

and the remake comes out this year, you saw it just in time!

Heather said...