The Virginia Driver - A Manual

Congratulations on getting your Virginia driver's license! You are either a: a) long-time Virginia resident - in which case the following rules may not be of much interest to you as you've grown up watching your parents following them and subconsciously know and understand these rules; b) recent immigrant from San Salvador, Puerto Rico, Mexico, or some other non-English speaking country south of Texas; c) new Virginia resident who has most likely moved to the area fresh out of college to work for the federal government. This manual will be of interest to you, as you are well on your way to becoming a Virginia driver.

***If English is not your primary language, we apologize, as we did not have the funds to publish this manual in other languages. Read: We did not want to make the effort, as you have obviously not made the effort to learn English. Oh, was that harsh? Lo siento.***

Now that you are a Virginia driver, we want to let you in on some of our unwritten rules:

1. Never use your turn signal. NEVER EVER.

2. Make sure to drive at least 5 mph under the speed limit.

3. When making a right-hand turn, it is important that you come to a complete stop before you even think about turning that wheel. Coming to a complete stop will let others know what you are doing, especially since you have conveniently neglected to utilize your turn signal. Additionally, stopping completely is necessary because there might be an invisible car in the driveway/street/parking lot, and you want to avoid hitting said car.

4. Your car will fit in any spot, no matter how small the spot appears to the naked eye. If you drive a 1987 station wagon, your car will most definitely fit in the spot that dog just squeezed through on his way to the fire hydrant. No worries! Just make sure to back into the spot in such a way that you block both lanes of traffic. You can do it!

5. Don't buy American cars. People who drive American cars are obviously members of the lowly working class. You do not want to be mistaken for a blue-collar worker, do you?

6. Those funny-looking stop signs? The triangle-shaped ones that you heard your out-of-town friend refer to as "yield" signs? Those signify a complete stop. When merging onto I-395 or Route 50, always slam on your brakes when you see this sign at the end of the ramp. It is always easier to merge into 65 mph traffic from a complete stop. Always.

7. When a pedestrian is crossing at a light, don't think that the blinking "WALK" signal means anything. You clearly have the right of way. If he/she is not walking quickly enough, feel free to honk your horn repeatedly. If the horn doesn't solve your problem, drive as close to the pedestrian as possible to get him/her to walk faster. You are obviously more important and have extremely important things to do. And besides, pedestrians are losers because they don't have cars.

8. Precipitation: rain, snow, sleet, excessive sunshine... All of these things are dangerous. You must drive 15 mph slower than usual. It's just much safer that way.

9a. If you are a member of category "b" (see above), it is necessary to stare at girls in the car next to you. And by "stare," I mean lick the window and make obscene gestures with your hands. Women love this. If this somehow doesn't win their attention, roll down the window and yell something sexually explicit in the language of your choosing. This will almost always result in the girls leaving their car idle on the side of the road, climbing into your Nissan truck, and reward your actions by immediately giving you oral sex.

9b. When driving, if you see a female pedestrian, make sure you "stare" at her as well. Add some greasy comments to your gestures, and this will yield identical results.

10. Driving in both lanes is completely acceptable, just as seatbelts are merely optional. This will help when cramming your entire extended family into your Honda Accord for a trip to Walmart.

11. Lastly, when someone asks if you ever attended a Driver's Education class, lie and say, "of course!"