ER

Hospital Emergency Rooms are nothing like on TV. For starters, there were NO CUTE DOCTORS. I mean, had I known that there were going to be NO CUTE DOCTORS, I might not have fainted and hit my head. Or gotten a fantastic upper respiratory infection. And this is after I visited two different ERs in five days.

Last weekend, I was visiting the fam in Michigan. I thought that I would milk one last doctor's appointment out of my parents' enviable insurance plan before they got wise and realized that I am almost 25 and no longer in school (and probably should have my own insurance, but whatever). After the exam, the doctor left so I could get dressed. So there I am, sitting in the chair, holding my coat, waiting for the doctor to return. I immediately knew that I was going to faint. Stars, blackness, nothingness. So I got up and thought I would lie down on the examining table. I didn't make it that far.

I woke up on the floor - don't know how much time elapsed - and I had NO idea where I was. Why am I kissing the carpet? Where is my pillow? Am I naked? Why does my head hurt? I peeled myself off the floor and leaned on the counter. Why does my GD head hurt?!?!

In the mirror, I see blood streaming down the side of my face. AWESOME. So I grabbed some kleenex and that's when the doctor conveniently decides to come back in.

"Yeah, so I think I just fainted. And hit my head."

The entire staff is soon in the examining room, FLIPPING OUT. Eventually, my dad shows up. Who the hell called him? Perhaps I was still a smidge out of it. And off we went to the Henry Ford Wyandotte Hospital. I immediately thought that this was pretty damn funny, even though I was still lightheaded and woozy. It could always have been worse. Like, I could have fainted before getting dressed. Hilarious!

Now, I had never been to the ER before, so the only comparisons I had were from ER and DOOL. Let me just tell you, this hospital wasn't half bad! Clean, efficient, and shiny. Very shiny. Six stitches later, I was all better. They determine that I most likely fainted because I had a) driven to MI from DC on Thursday, b) not gotten enough sleep Thursday night, and c) hadn't eaten breakfast Friday morning. Also, blood scares me for some reason. Never has before! Apparently it does now, and I picked a fine time to let this phobia take over, didn't I?

The flight back to DC on Sunday morning was fine, but I had developed some sort of coughy-coldy thing. I wasn't very impressed with myself. So I called in on Monday. Tuesday, I woke up with this PAIN in my chest and I thought that I was having a flippin' heart attack. 24-year-olds have heart attacks sometimes, right? Awesome Roommate drove me to the ER at the George Washington University Hospital. I wasn't expecting the goodness of Henry Ford Hospital in the suburbs, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting what I got.

Receptionist is immediately snippy and bitchy. Having no personality is apparently the number one requirement for working at the ER front desk. It took forever to get called in. Test after test after UGLY doctor after ugly doctor. Hospital gown. No food. No sleep. No blankets. Freezing. IVs and x-rays and CAT scans. I was there from 9:30 in the freaking morning until 5:30 in the evening. They determined that I had strained a muscle COUGHING and prescribed Robitussin. ROBITUSSIN. The doctors were rude and unattractive (I mean seriously, if there is anything more unrealistic than the cleanliness of the hospitals on TV, it is the idea that doctors are sexy and caring).

Everyone kept "apologizing" for taking so long, but they had a few traumas come in that needed immediate care. "It's an abnormal day today," said ugly resident with glittering fake teeth. What are you talking about?!??! It's the fucking ER in the middle of Washington, DC! Of course there were traumas - it's a HUGE CITY. And of course they need immediate treatment! I wouldn't have cared if I was there overnight if someone had just had the courtesy to come and tell me what was going on!

Yeah. So. I'm fine, but this cough is RIDICULOUS. I probably kept half of the block up last night with the constant, NEVER ENDING coughing. Gosh I hope it goes away soon. If I don't get sleep soon, I'll probably faint again.