Fat Biffas and Swamp Donkeys*

K-10 makes a good point:

"I'm so sick of everyone telling me how healthy everything is that I eat. 'And you go to the gym almost everyday?' And then they make fun of me for doing yoga and staying in shape. I'm sorry that I don't eat packets of crisps and chocolate bars all day everyday. You feel like CRAP if you eat that stuff. SHEESH. Did you read the new study that thinks that this is going to be the first generation where children die before their parents?They think that 2-5 years are going to be taken off the average lifespan because of obesity (leading to stroke, heart attack, etc). Why are people so stupid? They have to keep up with the Jones's on everything, but they are so fat and can't fix that part of their life. 'I don't have time to work out.' Do you have time to eat that fatty doughnut? Time to watch 3 hours of TV a night? Time to complain that you don't want to spend double for an airline ticket when you clearly take up two seats? Time to go out and get lashed every weekend? Make time, you lazy fat asses of America."

And then Hardees hits us with the Double Bacon Cheese ThickBurger. Just take a gander at the nutritional "values" for that monster - how many calories? See here. GROSS. (Courtesy of Woelker Texas Ranger.)

K-10's response: "That has over 20g of fat more than you are supposed to have in a day. IN A DAY. And 1300 calories? I might vomit."

Luke SkyWoelker's response: "Even that definition is flawed though, as the food pyramid guidelines were set out in the 80's for a 2,000 calorie diet, but was based on the idea of the 1950's physically fit lifestyle. Where they assumed children and adults would be much more active. What do we do now? We go home and watch 'Fat Actress'. Dear Lord!"

*Fat Biffa: excessively fat, ugly
Fat Munter: excessively fat, ugly
Swamp Donkey: Most hideously excessively fatishly ugly
Minger: ugly

(hilarious British slang courtesy of K-10)

Great Falls

Ah. Great Falls. There were kayakers that day. Crazies! And we hiked and threw snowballs and it was flippin' fantastic. Afterward, we went to IHOP and there were four kinds of syrups. Amazing.

I secretly wish it would snow again. Just one last time, so we can journey to Great Falls and go hiking in the pretty, virginal snow. I mean, this March has been unseasonably cold (even I admit it) - it could happen! A ginormous blizzard. Ah, the possibilities...

You may be saying, "But Heather, if it snows, the government will shut down and people will assume that this means that they don't have to shovel or plow roads!" Agreed. But it also means that no one else will be on the road, and we can just fishtail the entire way to the park.

Then again, snow might hurt the cherry blossoms, and we certainly don't want that. Decisions, decisions... Okay, I choose blossoms. As long as there isn't a great windstorm that robs the trees of all of the prettiness like last year. That was obnoxious. If wind ruins everything, then give us snow.

The Virginia Driver - A Manual

Congratulations on getting your Virginia driver's license! You are either a: a) long-time Virginia resident - in which case the following rules may not be of much interest to you as you've grown up watching your parents following them and subconsciously know and understand these rules; b) recent immigrant from San Salvador, Puerto Rico, Mexico, or some other non-English speaking country south of Texas; c) new Virginia resident who has most likely moved to the area fresh out of college to work for the federal government. This manual will be of interest to you, as you are well on your way to becoming a Virginia driver.

***If English is not your primary language, we apologize, as we did not have the funds to publish this manual in other languages. Read: We did not want to make the effort, as you have obviously not made the effort to learn English. Oh, was that harsh? Lo siento.***

Now that you are a Virginia driver, we want to let you in on some of our unwritten rules:

1. Never use your turn signal. NEVER EVER.

2. Make sure to drive at least 5 mph under the speed limit.

3. When making a right-hand turn, it is important that you come to a complete stop before you even think about turning that wheel. Coming to a complete stop will let others know what you are doing, especially since you have conveniently neglected to utilize your turn signal. Additionally, stopping completely is necessary because there might be an invisible car in the driveway/street/parking lot, and you want to avoid hitting said car.

4. Your car will fit in any spot, no matter how small the spot appears to the naked eye. If you drive a 1987 station wagon, your car will most definitely fit in the spot that dog just squeezed through on his way to the fire hydrant. No worries! Just make sure to back into the spot in such a way that you block both lanes of traffic. You can do it!

5. Don't buy American cars. People who drive American cars are obviously members of the lowly working class. You do not want to be mistaken for a blue-collar worker, do you?

6. Those funny-looking stop signs? The triangle-shaped ones that you heard your out-of-town friend refer to as "yield" signs? Those signify a complete stop. When merging onto I-395 or Route 50, always slam on your brakes when you see this sign at the end of the ramp. It is always easier to merge into 65 mph traffic from a complete stop. Always.

7. When a pedestrian is crossing at a light, don't think that the blinking "WALK" signal means anything. You clearly have the right of way. If he/she is not walking quickly enough, feel free to honk your horn repeatedly. If the horn doesn't solve your problem, drive as close to the pedestrian as possible to get him/her to walk faster. You are obviously more important and have extremely important things to do. And besides, pedestrians are losers because they don't have cars.

8. Precipitation: rain, snow, sleet, excessive sunshine... All of these things are dangerous. You must drive 15 mph slower than usual. It's just much safer that way.

9a. If you are a member of category "b" (see above), it is necessary to stare at girls in the car next to you. And by "stare," I mean lick the window and make obscene gestures with your hands. Women love this. If this somehow doesn't win their attention, roll down the window and yell something sexually explicit in the language of your choosing. This will almost always result in the girls leaving their car idle on the side of the road, climbing into your Nissan truck, and reward your actions by immediately giving you oral sex.

9b. When driving, if you see a female pedestrian, make sure you "stare" at her as well. Add some greasy comments to your gestures, and this will yield identical results.

10. Driving in both lanes is completely acceptable, just as seatbelts are merely optional. This will help when cramming your entire extended family into your Honda Accord for a trip to Walmart.

11. Lastly, when someone asks if you ever attended a Driver's Education class, lie and say, "of course!"

Kablam-o!

Well, it snowed. Sort of. For about an hour, it was pure white outside - I couldn't even watch the building directly across the street being demolished, which is a bummer because that's how I've been passing the day in between the cases I am working on. The wrecking ball is my favorite deconstruction tool at the moment. Concrete wall? Kablam-o! Now it is dust. Dust! Yay wrecking ball! Anyway, the snow didn't stick. Hence, I stayed at work until 5. Hence. Hehe.

So we found out that we can move stuff into the new place early AND we can paint the walls. Super awesome! Moving in - last weekend in March... Goodbye to Arlington in T minus 14 days!

I'm actually looking forward to packing. I love it. It's a very precise science. Can't wait to pack all of the books. Snerk. Well, packing them won't be that big of a deal. Carrying them is what's going to suck. Not that I will be the one carrying them, mind you. Because I'm tiny! Hahaha!

Okay, I obviously need more cold medicine. Awesome Roommate is sick. Hence, so am I. Hence!

Argh!

A woman SAT on me on the metro this morning. A BIG, FAT, LAND MONSTER OF A WOMAN. It was raining. So she was covered in rain. Ew. Ew!

And now, it is no longer raining but BLIZZARDING. Like, I literally cannot see out of the window. If only the damn snow would stick - then we'd get sent home because DC is ridiculous and I would get into my warm cushy bed with hot chocolate and finish the crossword puzzle and everything would be amazing.

Here's hoping...

Capitol Hill, Beetches!

SWEET! Awesome Roommate and I have found the perfect place, signed the lease, and will move into its fabulousness before the month is out. How did we do it, you ask? Gotta send my love out to Craigslist. Love it! LOVE. After searching tirelessly for two months, we were rewarded. PLUS, the people that are moving out (and to a house on U Street) are fabulous. They're even going to help us move. New friends are fun. The fact that they are all very attractive just makes things peachier. We love them.

So let's talk about the amazing find. One story, three bedroom rowhouse with TWO wood-burning fireplaces, high ceilings, big kitchen, two off-street parking places, and - one moment while I wipe away the tears of joy - a washer/dryer combo. And it's only a three-minute walk to the metro. Our dream home.

I am so flippin' excited to be in D.C., finally. Arlington is plain super - don't get me wrong - it's just a little, well... plain. I will miss Bailey's and its black forest sandwich, the live bands at Whitlow's, and cider at Four Courts, and... but wait! We're less than five miles away. I don't even have to say goodbye.

Lame!

Didn't do much this weekend... I did a ton of reading, so I guess that's something. Oh - and Awesome Roommate and I went to see this rowhouse in Eastern Market that was probably the smallest abode ever constructed. For waaaaaaay too much money. I'm trying to stay optimistic with this apartment search, but man! That place was painful!

Came to the realization that some people - as good as their intentions may be - always leave you disappointed. It's just in their nature. I don't want to be disappointed, but I don't want to give up those relationships. So what am I to do?

I miss K-10. She's over in London with her stupid five hour time difference, and I can't talk to her whenever I want to. Balls! I get to work at 8:30, which means it's already after lunch there. So by the time that I get going on my "work," it's quitting time for her. Therefore, v. little emailing time between us. Not fair!

Academy Awards. Blah. Chris Rock was funny, though.

So, to recap: lame weekend, K-10 is too far away, some people just suck, and the Oscars were dull. Oh please let this week be more stimulating.

Snow day!... Well, Snow Afternoon!

All day Wednesday, the brave DC meteorologists were on TV and radio warning us of a "really big storm" heading our way. Remember that here in the DC metro area, "really," "big," and "storm" mean completely different things than they do in the Wolverine State. "Get to the store and stock up on bread and milk, because this is going to be a big one!"

School leaders were up all night, waiting to see if the chillins should stay home. I really started to fall for it too. "Ooooh, maybe if schools get cancelled, so will the Federal Government!" So, being a massive idiot, I stayed up until 2 a.m. reading. Because we won't have to go to work! Nope.

I looked outside this morning, and much to my dismay, only 1/4 inch of snow was nestled in the grass. Oh balls. Soooo, I got ready, got to work, practically slept through a two hour conference call, forgot to eat lunch, and ended up getting sent home 2 hours early as part of the Early Dismissal for Federal Employees. Awe-some!

So I'm home, in slippers and my favorite hooded sweatshirt, about to have dinner and pour myself some wine, and start a new book. Oh, but wait. How many inches of snow are expected?

3 to 5.

Klutz

I woke up at a fairly respectable time on Saturday morning, thank goodness, because Awesome Roommate called from what I thought was her work around 11 a.m.

"Hi! Can you come pick me up from GW Hospital?"

"What happened?!?!??!"

"Oh, I was in the otter exhibit, slipped on ice, and sliced my hand open!"

I sat in silence for a moment. She's not the klutzy one -- I am! She isn't the one who runs into things, like the couch (you know, something that never really moves and is always in the same place), and finds bruises on her legs like I do. She's the strong one - she opens jars for me :)

"Oh gosh! Yeah, just gotta throw some jeans on..."

So I get in the 'Scort and head toward GWU. I only got a little bit lost (you'd think that I'd know how to navigate that damn campus, after two years there), and managed to pick her up in one piece. She was all bandaged up and reeked of iodine. Her coat was covered in blood. And she was smiling. Apparently, the nurse was digging gravel out of her hand for 45 minutes and she didn't cry at all. Hell, I almost started bawling just listening to the recap.

We got McDonald's, because it seemed like the best solution, she popped some regular ole Tylenol, and promptly passed out on the couch for four hours. With her arm sticking up in the air. At the party that night, she walked around all night bandaged and with her right arm lifted in a right angle. It was hilarious.

And now, she's stir crazy and itching to get back to work. I hope that I someday find a job that I love that much!

Drah-ma!

Drama, drama, drah-ma! Yet it's not my problem, so it's not going to wind up here!

With all of the ridiculousness swirling around here lately, it's good to know that I can now give in to the escapism of talking to a long lost beau. Not that it's escapism, exactly. It's pure, honest conversation and it feels like escapism because it's satisfying - like comfort food. Like a peanut butter sandwich and hot chocolate on a snowy Michigan afternoon, talking to him is easy. Dealing with my issues is no longer on my mind and I laugh and I smile and I never want the conversation to end. Being a good person is hard - I mean, I can't drive the 'Scort one block without yelling at someone - but I really think that he's managing just fine.

Do you know how refreshing it is to rekindle a friendship that had threatened to burn out indefinitely? Forget for a moment that our relationship started out as unadulterated lust - it definitely turned into something meaningful. Besides, lust is amazing. That summer was easily one of the best of my life and I will always remember nights on the fire escape, picnics in the park, strolling around Ann Arbor (with whom I will always have a smoldering relationship) in the middle of the night, and knowing that I could show up in his doorway, sweaty and tired after a day of chasing children around the museum, and have those strong arms around me in seconds.

Maybe that's why trying this new "friendship" thing is so easy. The trust is there - because it never left. The smiles are still there - because we wouldn't be who we are without them. The only thing missing are the hugs. Those are 525 miles away. But would be well worth the drive.