My Little Brother's Wedding

On October 11th, I watched my little brother exchange vows with the love of his life. It was sweet and beautiful and a bit like a dream. They've been together for so long and while we all knew that it was only a matter of time, I guess you're never really prepared for your only sibling's wedding.

So, please don't let what I am about to tell you change your mind about the goodness of the day, because it really was good. But the drama was DELICIOUS.

Enjoy.

DRAMA #1

Date: Wedding Day
Place: Hair Salon
Time: 11:00 a.m.
Scene:

I walked into the salon, ready for my hair appointment. I had dropped off the Lady an hour earlier and left to collect my niece. We didn't think that it was a good idea for a three-year-old to endure four hours in a hair salon and so spared her from the boredom as long as we could. When I returned with a perturbed Alexis in tow, my mother's hair was... oh Mylanta, it was bad. Like, horror movie bad. Like, maybe the stylist was trying to make her look ninety? Either way, I was NOT having it.

"No. That needs to be redone."

And lo, it was redone. It didn't look great, but it looked better. And it pained me, because I knew that my mom wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't gotten there in time. And it was her son's wedding. No woman wants to look borderline retarded at her son's wedding.

(Sidenote: We got our hair did at this particular salon because Kari's long-time stylist had just taken a job there. And to be honest, it really didn't matter what the rest of us looked like. Kari's hair looked amazing in the end and that's all I cared about. Really. I know, because this is about to get ridiculous with my bitching, but it was fine in the end and my bitching ceased.)

And then, it was my turn.

I started by telling the stylist that I wanted my hair parted on the side with it angled over my forehead and with some volume in the crown. Like I had for Kelly's wedding. Basically, something "classy and elegant with no curls." I should have known from her attire that our ideas of what that meant were going to differ. Drastically.

What you can't see is her leopard-print bra!

The first attempt resulted in her flat-ironing my hair, teasing the top, slicking back the sides, and letting it fall back like a waterfall. For a wedding. It looked just like Portia's here, but worse (if you can imagine):

"Oh my God! We're having a fire... sale. Oh, the burning!"

"No, I don't like it." Her: "No?" Me: "No, not at all. I really don't like that style." Her: "Oh, well, a female bartender comes in every Friday and I do her hair like that and she says that she gets all kinds of tips and dates!" Me: "That's nice. I don't like it."

Just my hair and about a can of "freeze" spray.

For the second attempt, she put my hair half up and half down. When she reached for the curling iron, I had to stop her again. Me: "I really don't want curls." Her: "No? Well you should have said something!"

Fuming, I reiterated, "I just want something pulled back, off of my neck, and elegant. Please." At this point, Kari's hair was finally done and we needed to get going. The third attempt got me this, which I hated, but accepted:

Hi! I'm so five years ago!

Also, I have no volume at all!

I later learned that this woman was the co-owner of the salon. I don't know why this blew my mind, but it did.

Alexis was also NOT AMUSED BY THE SALON AT ALL.

From there, we headed to the makeup place where some people got their faces all did up. I had already done mine, so what did I do? I ate Burger King. And it was goooooood.

The limo whisked us away to the church, Kari and Steven got married, things were lovely and nice, and I only cried a teensy bit, and then we exited the church.

There were people... EVERYWHERE.

DRAMA #2

Date: Wedding Day
Place: Park in which the chapel resided
Time: 5:30 p.m.
Scene:

Not just people. High schoolers. In HOMECOMING DRESSES.

Oh sweet God, they were surrounding us.

And here's where it gets bad.

When Steven and Kari rented the chapel, it included use of the grounds - i.e., the gazebo and covered bridge, for photographs. Additionally, we only had about 40 minutes before we had to get to the reception hall.

It was a gorgeous day. Absolutely amazing. And it was a gorgeous park. I can see why people flocked there to take pictures before the big dance. You know, the dance that happens every year in high school? At which most people spend four years and therefore have the opportunity to attend the fucking Homecoming dance FOUR TIMES?

And you know what else I remember? I remember being in high school. I remember thinking that I was the SHIT. I remember being on Homecoming Court and thinking that the world had STOPPED and therefore I can say that I completely understand that Homecoming is a huge fucking deal to a teenager.

But a wedding day? I knew what that meant from the time I was trying on my mom's shoes. A wedding is a big deal. A huge deal. And it doesn't happen four times.

These little bitches refused to move from the gazebo. "It's MY Homecoming! Go take pictures somewhere else!" It took the 6'5" photographer to get people to move. And even then, the maid of honor and I had to BLOCK the entrance to the gazebo because these little whores were trying to get in.

I am not kidding!

Their mothers? Were even worse. I can't even get into it, because I don't want to make assumptions about their lives or their views on marriage, but I was appalled. Some were nice and accommodating, and many congratulated them, but when their dates started to threaten us, Kari started to get stressed.

We got the shots we wanted, in the gazebo and the covered bridge, and we were out of there in fifteen minutes, tops. I hope those little bitches enjoyed their dance, and I also hope that they totally didn't contract STDs from their skeevy dates wearing white tuxes with tails, top hats and canes. I totally hope this didn't happen.

END DRAMA

The thing is? Kari and Steven didn't deal with this. Other people did. And in their minds, it was a perfect day. And that's how it should be. Other people should handle the crappiness and the stupid things that happen, and the bride and groom should get lost in bliss and remember the day for what it was: a day of unity.

The reception was a blast - my cousins were in from Wisconsin and Arizona, both my great aunt and my papa were happy and partying, I got to wear a pretty red dress and dance with my honey, and there was cake.

Kari and Steven's wedding day confirmed what we've all known for years: They're a family. The marriage license made it legal, but it was the fluffy white dress that made it a memory.

Here are some of the pictures from the night, and all can be seen here.

My Mike and me

BECAUSE THERE ARE ALWAYS DINOSAURS.

Me and my Dad

The New Family

Congratulations, Kari and Steven!
And Alexis and Savannah!