I left work, made a stop at the library, and headed home. It had warmed up considerably, and I walked a little slower than usual, attempting to avoid the inevitable beads of sweat collecting on my lower back.
Yeah, it didn't work.
I got home and immediately changed into a strategic slip dress. "Strategic" in that it is there, at my house, ready for me to pull on after peeling off my work clothes.
I jumped into the Focus, sped to Kroger (yes, Kroger. Me and Meijer are in a fight ever since they were out of ice scrapers. On January 2nd. Don't fuck with me again, Meijer, and we'll see about a reconciliation. I mean, you do carry this, after all, and that is HILARIOUS).
Once there, things went downhill fairly quickly.
"Clearly I came in through the wrong door. Where the shit is the produce section?"
"Oh, there it is."
"Get your freaking children out of my FREAKING WAY."
Sweet smile to their mother.
"Oooh, strawberries are on sale! But... where are the other berries?"
After having walked around the produce section three times, "Where the hell are the other berries? They have to have berries. WHERE ARE THE GODDAMNED BERRIES?"
"Oooh, fresh salsa!"
"I think I should get bread. English breakfast sounds nice. Bread, bread, bread, hmmm."
"Oooh, avocados! I'm totally getting two."
"Now what was I going to get?"
"OMG SUSHI. THEY HAVE SUSHI. AHHH IT'S $5.35 for TWELVE PIECES. OMG I LOVE KROGER."
"Oooh, rotisserie chickens are on sale!"
"Beans, beans, pork and beans, beans, beans... these signs tell me NOTHING."
"Why in the hell would they split up the food and put inconsequential things in the middle? I'm here for groceries, people, not for LAWN CHAIRS. Oh Christ, there are those kids again. Don't people use those leashes anymore?"
"I really want an English breakfast tomorrow. So I'll need bread. Did... I already get it? Hmmm, no."
At this point, I had crossed from one end of the store to the next. Twice.
"Where in the hell are the baked beans? I need those vegetarian baked beans - I think that there is blue on the label - and there is NO AISLE that lists canned goods."
"Oh, there it is. I'm too short to see the signs. Discrimination!"
"Bread! Where's the bread?"
"I need chips to go with that salsa. Mmmmm... multigrain Tostitos... AWESOME I FOUND THE BREAD. I SURELY DESERVE A PRIZE FOR THIS SCAVENGER HUNT."
"Checkout, checkout, checkout... ooh, scan-it-yourself!"
In the parking lot, "No bitch, if you want my space, you'll have to wait. I'm not going to throw my food in the backseat all WILLY NILLY so that you can save yourself a few extra feet of walking."
Driving, "La la la la la OH HELL I FORGOT APPLE JUICE. Maybe I should... fuck it. I'll drink water."
And that's why you should not shop with me. I'll probably voice all of this aloud, add a half hour to your trip, and cause you to forget something.
Mike knows this, but I think that he tunes me out when we shop together. He's smart.
5 comments:
This is exactly how I grocery shop.
...Dan doesn't let me grocery shop anymore. He does it.
sarah - And the thing is? I love to go grocery shopping! I'm just a total spaz about the whole endeavor.
I've started going to Kroger occasionally since it's the nearest to our new house.
However, nothing will beat the awesomeness of a H.E.B. grocery. They have everything you could imagine, its high quality, and its cheap.
I love to go grocery shopping too! But Dan grocery shops like it's some sort of military mission, and my spastic wandering of the aisles drives him crazy. Plus, he likes to grocery shop on Sunday mornings and take the spawn with him, so I get to sleep in. Sleep > Grocery shopping, hands down.
kramer - Is HEB like the Piggly Wiggly? Because I've always wanted to go to one of those...
sarah - Spastic wandering is necessary to grocery shopping. I don't think that Mike gets that, either.
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