PREHISTORIC SAFARI NIGHT

It was safari night at the dinner table.  PREHISTORIC SAFARI NIGHT.

They died deliciously.

Having a Blog Has Paid Off AGAIN

Remember when I made my own popcorn mixture and it wasn't all that great?

Well, imagine my surprise when I came home to a large package on my doorstep.  When I shook it, I immediately knew what it was, and I knew who it was from.

THANKS, MIKE'S MOM!

This... I Can't Even.

I love my books.  I LOVE THEM.  When I was packing to move to DC for graduate school, my mom wanted me to leave my boxes of books at home, but my dad convinced her that I needed them.  They were a kind of security blanket to me - as strange as that sounds - and having them with me in a new place, truly alone for the first time in my life, gave me a feeling of comfort.

I treat all books - not just my own - very kindly.  In fact, if you looked at the majority of my books, you would think that they hadn't been read.  But they have - some of them multiple times.  I've never cracked a book open and smoothed it down flat, and I've never, ever flipped the cover of a paperback behind the book.  THAT WOULD BE PAINFUL TO THE BOOK.

So what I'm trying to get across is that I treat my books with respect, and I couldn't even imagine harming them.

Until tonight, that is.  I wanted to throw this book across the room, set it on fire, and pee on its ashes.  And then throw the urine-soaked ashes into the FIERY PITS OF HELL.

So, thank you so much, Fifty Shades of Grey.  You can go fuck yourself.  It is literally the worst book I have ever read, for so many reasons, and I've read the Twilight books.  (Which is apt, considering that these asinine Shades books started as internet fan fiction of Twilight. Because apparently, we as a nation cannot get stupider.)

I don't know where to begin.  I hadn't read this trilogy when it was first published - in fact, I avoided it like the plague (although, did one actually avoid the plague? Discuss).  I had heard that it was crap, that it was poorly written, and that the subject matter was SO SHOCKING OMG.

And then I came upon this blog, where the author so expertly and hilariously recapped the book chapter by chapter.  I was angry reading those recaps, and I started to write this here blog post, but I realized that my post would carry more weight if I actually read the books. So I borrowed the first one, because this sham of an author was NOT getting my money.

And then I read it. WHICH WAS A HUGE WASTE OF TIME, in case you're wondering.  Here we go:

Sexual fucktard, Ana Steele, is on her way to Seattle to interview a business mogul for her college newspaper because her roommate (who she constantly bitches about, by the way, because apparently when Kate worries about Ana, it's annoying) is too sick to do the interview herself.

Ana bitches about every woman she encounters, literally falls into the mogul's office, and proceeds to ask scripted questions that she didn't bother to review.  She embarrasses herself, as well as the reader, but somehow charms this enigmatic man.  This... Christian Grey.  

Anyway, she soon discovers that he's into BDSM, about which she is all, "Whatevs!"  So even though she knows exactly nothing about what he's into, she's all eager to get started because this Christian Grey is just so attractive and mesmerizing. But then he gets mad at her because she didn't reveal her sexual status to him immediately upon meeting him. (Which, SPOILER ALERT - she has never seen a penis.)

He tracks her cell phone, shows up at her part-time job, buys her a laptop and a Blackberry so that he can reach her at any time, and basically kidnaps her.

Oh.  And then there's the contract.

I won't tell you about it because it's TOO AWESOME.

I don't know how much of this "novel" is true to life - I don't know much about this lifestyle except from what I read in the last half hour.  I don't know if contracts are something that people sign, and I certainly don't know if people build rooms in their homes specifically for these activities.  But.

One of the things that truly bothers me about this "novel" is that the author paints all sexual fetishes as wrong - that if you are a damaged person if you have predilections of any nature that is not vanilla, married-person sex.  BUT IT GETS BETTER YOU GUYS.

The reason that Christian is into BDSM is because he was a fucked up child and then a really fucked up teenager, and then OBVIOUSLY it's because his parents' older female friend introduced him to the ways.

Ana nicknames her "Mrs. Robinson," even though there is no fucking way she has even SEEN The Graduate, so go die in a fire, Ana.

So.  This is the only way he knows how to have sex.  The only way he wants. And now that Ana's had the sex with him, it's the only way SHE knows.

It's so disturbing.

You know what?  Nevermind. I don't even want to do a fucking book review.  It's crap and I don't think that you should read it.  Unless you love reading about emotional abuse!  Yay!

I'll leave you with this awesome picture I found on the internets:

(Photo Credit: Asad Qayyum)

It's Cookie Time, Motherfuckers!

So... this happened:

And the thing is?  Apparently I don't like Samoas anymore.  What the happy fuck is that about? I mean, I was well aware that I wasn't a huge fan of coconut, because I live with myself every day, but for some reason I was immune to those caramel-y, chocolate-y rings of Heaven.

Dear Thin Mints and Tagalongs, you are too delicious to exist.  I'll see you in hell.

Girl Scout cookies always remind me of two things:

Monica: "When I was a Brown Bird, my dad bought all of the cookies, and I ate them all."
Ross: "No, dad HAD to buy all of the cookies BECAUSE you ate them all."  

Ross: "They call me COOKIE DUDE!"

and, of course:

I Know I Don't Need It. I WANT It.

Like many little girls, I was obsessed with my mom's things.  Her jewelry, her clothes and shoes, and her make-up and perfume.  She had this long robe that I wore whenever I possibly could - it was thick and white and clearly made with the clouds of Heaven.  It was SO SOFT.  Plus, when I stood over a heating vent, the whole robe would billow up with warm air and I wouldn't freeze to death in my house.

(Fun story - my dad has always kept the house at about 65 degrees in the winter, and my brother and I would try to nudge the thermostat up just enough so that the heat would come on, but not so much that he would notice.  Spoiler - he always did.  Of course, if I am now in a house that is above 65 degrees, I usually have to start peeling off clothing.  And it can get really awkward. Is what I'm saying.)

I was even obsessed with her luggage.

As a college graduation gift, my grandparents gave my mom a set of luggage.  Samsonite.  Light blue.  Of course, it was 1974, so it isn't the fanciest looking stuff today.  I don't know why, but playing with the suitcases rated pretty high on my to-do list.  My favorite piece was the "train case."

Unfortunately, it definitely isn't the fanciest, now that my parents' basement flooded and it got all kinds of mucked up.  And then it got thrown in a landfill somewhere and I died a little inside.

So I am on the lookout for a Samsonite Train Case. Light blue.  Not covered in flood water.

You're Welcome, Kim

So my cousin Kim reads this blog (well, Mike's cousin technically, but I LOVE HER and even if Mike never, ever proposes, she will be my cousin 4 EVAH). The fact of which should terrify me because it could eventually get into the hands of her grandparents, i.e., Mike's grandparents (that's how it works, you see), and then they would hate me 4 evah because I am full of swears and am crass and also make fun of blind people.  told me that I needed to post more often.  And so, internet, you may thank her for what is about to happen.

Beauty Delivery

I don't remember how I discovered "beauty by delivery," but I am so glad that I did - it's like your birthday every month!  There are more than a few to choose from, and I've tried three different companies over the past year: Beauty Army, Birchbox, and Glossybox.

Beauty Army - $12 a month
Beauty Army allows you to choose up to six samples out of a field of nine, and those are determined by your beauty profile.  Thing is, if you're not too keen on your choices, you can change your profile as often as you wish. This should - in theory - result in brand new samples. You make your choices and they are zipped to you.

• PROS: The beauty profile offers very detailed questions, so you can guarantee that if you and your thick head of hair are to receive shampoo, for example, it won't be volume-enhancing.
• CONS: Changing your beauty profile rarely gives you different results.  In fact, I re-did my profile seventeen times (seriously - I counted), and I saw at least five of the same offerings every time.

Egyptian Magic All Purpose Skin Cream

Emani Foundation Primer and Hydrating Serum

Enspri Moisture Duo

Immuno-Viva Sunrise Tea

Macadamia Natural Oil Deep Repair Masque

Not Your Mother's She's a Tease Volumizing Hairspray

Birchbox - $10 a month
All Birchbox beauty samples are chosen for you based on your beauty profile.  Items can also include things like healthy snacks, not-so-healthy snacks, hair products, ear buds, and even band-aids.

Cynthia Rowley band-aids, you guys.  They're not fucking around here.  Plus, you earn points for gift orders, product reviews, and referrals.  You can then use those points for MOAR STUFF.  It's brilliant.

• PROS: It's a surprise!
• CONS: It's a surprise.  You might receive an amazing tinted moisturizer, but it could be twenty shades darker than you need.

Caldrea Body Lotion - 3 different scents

Madewell Emery Board

Make Face Primer, SPF 30

Make Satin Finish Eyeshadow in Great Lakes shade

Nick Chavez Color Saver Shampoo

Nick Chavez Color Saver Conditioner

Glossy Box - $21 a month
Glossybox, the most expensive of the three, boasts "deluxe-sized beauty products,"

• PROS: The products are new to me - there are a good number of brands of which I was unaware, so that definitely ups the fun factor.  
• CONS: It doesn't seem to be worth the high price tag.  Granted, I've only received one, so I will have to wait to see.  I give it two more months...

Elite Models Eye Liner

ModelCo Cheek + Lip Tint

Pixi Lip & Line

Prestiche Essential Oil Bar Soap

Sebastian Professional Hair Spray

COMPLETELY UNBIASED RESULTS:
I can't believe it, but I truly think that Birchbox - the cheapest option - is the best choice.  Beauty Army has been seriously disappointing for the last three months, and my latest box arrived completely destroyed because a bottle of something leaked.  All over everything.  Glossybox was extremely underwhelming, but I am optimistic for the next one.

Anyway, and please excuse the selfishness of this request, if you're interested in signing up for one of these, let me know -- I can get referral points!  And I am a referral point whore.

I Didn't Want to Get Sued

My parents are currently "between internet providers," which is my family's way of saying, "Dad doesn't want to spend a lot of money while Mom seethes but slowly wears him down and eventually just gets something installed while he's at the grocery store."

Anyway, they used to read my blog.  They thought that I was hilarious.  (Really, they did!)  But then my dad happened upon a post that I wrote about a local family law firm and he got all lawyer-y on me because I made the argument that they were all completely inbred.  I mean, they probably aren't, but check them out.  I'll wait.

I also might have made light of the son who seemed to have... um, "issues," until I found out that he was actually blind.  (Which was a bit of a relief, to be honest.  The guy was never looking at the camera and was always cross-eyed, Why would you want him as your lawyer?)

Anyway, my dad didn't want me to get sued, and frankly, I wasn't too keen on the idea.  So I removed it.  Then again, if this video didn't get these guys sued, then I have a feeling that I would have been fine:

Also, he thought that I swore too much.  To which I replied, "Yes, Dad, but the word "fuck" is fucking hilarious."  He didn't know what to do with that.

Right, so my dad thinks that it's too much of a hassle to go to the city library to use the internet even though he's clearly paying taxes and you'd think that he would want to take full advantage of their services.  My mom wants to have internet that she can access from "anywhere in the house."  A wireless router mom?  "No, I just want to be able to get online anywhere."  Okay.

Anyway, what it really comes down to is that my dad is scared of change.  And that he thinks that they will change their house phone number.  "The Bar Association has that number and it can't change!"

Anyway, they used to read my blog, and they still might if they had internet, but they don't.

Sigh.  

Heather Is An Idiot, Version INFINITY

So I think that I have embarked on a really stupid journey.

I am starting a week-long cleanse/diet, and it's definitely more than a little ridiculous.  It's called the Cabbage Soup Diet, and apparently, it's been around for some time.  Basically, you make a big ass pot of cabbage soup (which is actually pretty good, believe it or not) and eat it every day.

Day One - Today!

Breakfast
Fruit.  All I can eat!  I had berries and an apple.

Lunch
Cabbage soup. But I can have as much as I want!

Dinner
It doesn't matter. I made myself a sandwich because I WAS SO FUCKING HUNGRY.

And thus ends an experiment in stupidity.

Fuck you, CABBAGE.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I have something like, I don't know... six blog posts in the works (one involves my EXTREME RAGE concerning the Fifty Shades of Crap Trilogy), but they all need tweaking.  Until then, I wanted to share something very special.

This is my dad's cell phone:

This is his cell phone in the year 2013.  

It has a sweet plastic/fabric cover, and the display reads, "MARK."  I laugh my ass off every time that I see it, however...  When it rings as we're sitting at the coffee house after seeing Les Miserables (and I look like I've been crying for two hours straight because I HAVE BEEN), and everyone turns to see a phone that doesn't have the capability to be placed on vibrate?  Well, then it's a little embarrassing   

But, "It still works!" and "I only use it to call you, your mother, and your brother!  Why get a new one?"

I love him.