Thursday, May 12, 2011

So I'm Getting Implants

It's time, you guys. I'm not happy with things the way they are. So I am getting implants. I had my consultation the other day, and I am still coming down from the experience.

Also, just to be clear, I'm talking about oral implants. Teeth, you guys.

Hee!

(Mike saw paperwork on the table that said "something, something implants" and I thought he was going to lose it. "You don't need implants! What's going on?!?!?!")


Anyway, remember how I once told y'all about my snaggleteeth and my years and years of orthodontics? Well, my little retainer thing that has my fake teeth on it? It's now over twelve years old and I live in fear of the day that I will break the thing and have to walk around without eye teeth looking like Bugs Bunny.

My dentist referred me to an oral surgeon, and to make a long story short, it's going to take nine months to complete the process, it's going to cost an assload, and it's going to have a pretty long recovery time in which I will most likely have black eyes and have to be on vicodin.

I've heard there's a nice market for vicodin. I'm just saying.

Anyway, the fact that I've never had teeth there - the baby teeth fell out and there were no adult teeth to replace them - is a bad, bad thing. There is no bone available for the implants to be rooted, and therefore I have to have a bone graft. A BONE GRAFT.

I don't like the sound of this.

This bone can come from my lower jaw, which will be the first phase, and then implanted into my upper jaw. Apparently they then inject the area with my own blood which does something magical, and helps it heal.

If I'm not amenable to that, they can use bone from a cadaver (a cadaver!), which would make me PART ZOMBIE, which would also be awesome.

So once the BONE GRAFT is done, it will take six months to recover as the bone figures out that it need to be part of my upper jaw. Also, since they are messing with my face, I will most likely have two black eyes. So, pretty!

I FORGOT THE BEST PART, YOU GUYS.

I will be put on a form of anesthesia, sometimes called "Twilight," which will leave me awake and alert, allowing the surgeon to communicate with me, yet I WILL REMEMBER NOTHING of the surgery or the time after. This is pretty much the creepiest thing ever. I will be awake for my fucking bone graft and subsequent blood injection, but I won't remember a thing?

How will this not mess with my mind, you guys?

The second phase will be the implants. Screwed into my freaking jaw. And then the screws become part of my jaw over time because, as my surgeon said, "the human body is quite remarkable." I'm not sure what kind of anesthesia, if any, will be used here. I'm hoping for a full-body knockout, but I don't think that my insurance will cover it. They're barely covering this surgery as it is.

Remind me why I'm dong this again?

4 comments:

lem said...

Wow, I fell for it. Also, I can't believe YOU are willing to go through that for teeth. You don't like blood. What happens during the surgery when you're awake and see blood? Are you going to faint?

Heather said...

lem - I KNOW. Maybe I'll just pass out early in the procedure and I won't have to worry about anything. Of course, the last time I passed out, I peed all over the place. So basically, whomever is stuck taking me home is going to have to deal with a high, heavily-medicated, pee-stained moron.

Nimita Daftary said...

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Sasha Sapkal said...

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