Thursday, July 08, 2010

The Story of When Mike and Heather Attended a Wedding and Almost DIED, I am Serious

Mike and I recently attended the WORST WEDDING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit. We're not the closest of friends with the couple, but it was really nice to be invited.


The ceremony and reception were at a golf/country club. The ceremony was outside, but even at 6 pm it was SO HOT. The poor men in suits were dying. It was a different kind of ceremony. They incorporated some things that I've never seen at a wedding, like The Warming of the Rings in which the wedding bands are passed along to the wedding party and the family members. Each person held the rings to "warm" them and say a prayer over them, which was nice and all, but it was 90 DEGREES and it took TEN MINUTES, and I know that I am a total asshole, but GOD.

Then they had this Hand Blessing Ceremony, which was really nice, and I got teary. By this point, Mike was watching the golfers on the closest green.

Instead of lighting a unity candle, they poured sand into a mason jar or something. I don't know. By this time I had also stopped paying attention and was pretty much focused on whether or not I had ass sweat on the back of my dress.

So the ceremony ended at 6:30 and the wedding party left for their pictures. We went inside to where there was air conditioning (PRAISE JESUS).
There were some light hors d'oeuvres and an open bar. We mingled a bit before taking our seats. But the DJ wasn't playing any music. It was... weird.

By 7:30, the snackies were gone, and I was considering heading to the car to get the cheez-it snack pack I thought I saw in the glove compartment, but I was just too damned lazy. I had another drink instead, and everyone continued to sit around.

Because the DJ? He didn't play music for the time we were waiting. He didn't play music during dinner. And when he did play music, it was AWFUL. Like AWFUL. He did have some little device that projected little lights on the ceiling, so we watched that for a while.

The wedding party didn't return until 8:30. TWO HOURS FOR PICTURES. And then, they had to cut the fucking cake. And THEN, they did the speeches. The matron of honor was fine, but the best man? He talked for ten minutes, and he talked about himself. His car. His dog. His own marriage. It was BIZARRE. And we are all STARVING.

The only picture I took. Melon duck.
Now that I think about it, we should have eaten him.

So the wedding party finally got up to go to the buffet. Well, actually, the bride and groom got up. Alone. We watched them get food. And walk back. Then the wedding party walked to the buffet. And walked back. Whomever was dismissing the tables needed to be shot, because there would be like, five minutes between dismissals where there was no one at the damn buffet. Our entire table was ready to kill someone at this point. We didn't get food until 9:15.

And it was still DEAD SILENT because the DJ wasn't playing any music.

And then the sun was setting, so the bride and groom went outside to TAKE MORE PICTURES OH MY GOD.

Then it was time for cake, which as you might possibly agree, is one of the main reasons to attend a wedding. But we didn't get wedding cake! We got Costco cake. And it was stale. But at least it was food.

And they were still outside taking pictures.

At 9:45, the bride and groom finally came back inside, and we thought that they were going to do the rounds at the tables, but no. They danced. And then it was time for the wedding party dance.

Oh, and by this point, Mike and I were the only people left at our table. Everyone else had left. And that was pretty much true of every other table. And then, we were just done. We left at ten. We never spoke to the bride and groom, which means that I didn't get to meet either of them. They never made their way around the reception to greet people. Weird, right?

But really, I probably* wouldn't be bitching like a psychopath if we hadn't waited so long for everything. I understand that it was not my wedding, and I understand that people want the most out of their special day, but when it comes to etiquette, they blew it big time. If your guests are really as special as you announce they are... well, don't spend two fucking hours taking pictures.

*Who am I kidding. Of course I'd still be bitching.


Em said...

remember when my ceremony took FOREVER. Then we had to haul ass to the reception. The party bus was fun. Remember you danced on a cooler. Good times. This had nothing to do with your post... but I wanted to talk about myself, oh and you. :)

Heather said...

em - I remember your officiant saying the most RIDICULOUS, inappropriate things, that I was getting angry. But then I danced on a cooler. Love you!