Like many little girls, I was obsessed with my mom's things. Her jewelry, her clothes and shoes, and her make-up and perfume. She had this long robe that I wore whenever I possibly could - it was thick and white and clearly made with the clouds of Heaven. It was SO SOFT. Plus, when I stood over a heating vent, the whole robe would billow up with warm air and I wouldn't freeze to death in my house. (Fun story - my dad has always kept the house at about 65 degrees in the winter, and my brother and I would try to nudge the thermostat up just enough so that the heat would come on, but not so much that he would notice. Spoiler - he always did. Of course, if I am now in a house that is above 65 degrees, I usually have to start peeling off clothing. And it can get really awkward. Is what I'm saying.) I was even obsessed with her luggage. As a college graduation gift, my grandparents gave my mom a set of luggage. Samsonite. Light blue. Of course, it was 1974, so it isn't the fanciest looking stuff today. I don't know why, but playing with the suitcases rated pretty high on my to-do list. My favorite piece was the "train case." Unfortunately, it definitely isn't the fanciest, now that my parents' basement flooded and it got all kinds of mucked up. And then it got thrown in a landfill somewhere and I died a little inside. So I am on the lookout for a Samsonite Train Case. Light blue. Not covered in flood water.
So my cousin Kim reads this blog (well, Mike's cousin technically, but I LOVE HER and even if Mike never, ever proposes, she will be my cousin 4 EVAH). The fact of which should terrify me because it could eventually get into the hands of her grandparents, i.e., Mike's grandparents (that's how it works, you see), and then they would hate me 4 evah because I am full of swears and am crass and also make fun of blind people. told me that I needed to post more often. And so, internet, you may thank her for what is about to happen.
I don't remember how I discovered "beauty by delivery," but I am so glad that I did - it's like your birthday every month! There are more than a few to choose from, and I've tried three different companies over the past year: Beauty Army, Birchbox, and Glossybox. Beauty Army - $12 a month Beauty Army allows you to choose up to six samples out of a field of nine, and those are determined by your beauty profile. Thing is, if you're not too keen on your choices, you can change your profile as often as you wish. This should - in theory - result in brand new samples. You make your choices and they are zipped to you.
PROS: The beauty profile offers very detailed questions, so you can guarantee that if you and your thick head of hair are to receive shampoo, for example, it won't be volume-enhancing.
CONS: Changing your beauty profile rarely gives you different results. In fact, I re-did my profile seventeen times (seriously - I counted), and I saw at least five of the same offerings every time.
Birchbox - $10 a month All Birchbox beauty samples are chosen for you based on your beauty profile. Items can also include things like healthy snacks, not-so-healthy snacks, hair products, ear buds, and even band-aids. Cynthia Rowley band-aids, you guys. They're not fucking around here. Plus, you earn points for gift orders, product reviews, and referrals. You can then use those points for MOAR STUFF. It's brilliant.
PROS: It's a surprise!
CONS: It's a surprise. You might receive an amazing tinted moisturizer, but it could be twenty shades darker than you need.
COMPLETELY UNBIASED RESULTS: I can't believe it, but I truly think that Birchbox - the cheapest option - is the best choice. Beauty Army has been seriously disappointing for the last three months, and my latest box arrived completely destroyed because a bottle of something leaked. All over everything. Glossybox was extremely underwhelming, but I am optimistic for the next one. Anyway, and please excuse the selfishness of this request, if you're interested in signing up for one of these, let me know -- I can get referral points! And I am a referral point whore.
My parents are currently "between internet providers," which is my family's way of saying, "Dad doesn't want to spend a lot of money while Mom seethes but slowly wears him down and eventually just gets something installed while he's at the grocery store." Anyway, they used to read my blog. They thought that I was hilarious. (Really, they did!) But then my dad happened upon a post that I wrote about a local family law firm and he got all lawyer-y on me because I made the argument that they were all completely inbred. I mean, they probably aren't, but check them out. I'll wait. I also might have made light of the son who seemed to have... um, "issues," until I found out that he was actually blind. (Which was a bit of a relief, to be honest. The guy was never looking at the camera and was always cross-eyed, Why would you want him as your lawyer?) Anyway, my dad didn't want me to get sued, and frankly, I wasn't too keen on the idea. So I removed it. Then again, if this video didn't get these guys sued, then I have a feeling that I would have been fine:
Also, he thought that I swore too much. To which I replied, "Yes, Dad, but the word "fuck" is fucking hilarious." He didn't know what to do with that. Right, so my dad thinks that it's too much of a hassle to go to the city library to use the internet even though he's clearly paying taxes and you'd think that he would want to take full advantage of their services. My mom wants to have internet that she can access from "anywhere in the house." A wireless router mom? "No, I just want to be able to get online anywhere." Okay. Anyway, what it really comes down to is that my dad is scared of change. And that he thinks that they will change their house phone number. "The Bar Association has that number and it can't change!" Anyway, they used to read my blog, and they still might if they had internet, but they don't. Sigh.
So I think that I have embarked on a really stupid journey. I am starting a week-long cleanse/diet, and it's definitely more than a little ridiculous. It's called the Cabbage Soup Diet, and apparently, it's been around for some time. Basically, you make a big ass pot of cabbage soup (which is actually pretty good, believe it or not) and eat it every day. Day One - Today! Breakfast Fruit. All I can eat! I had berries and an apple. Lunch Cabbage soup. But I can have as much as I want! Dinner It doesn't matter. I made myself a sandwich because I WAS SO FUCKING HUNGRY. And thus ends an experiment in stupidity.
I have something like, I don't know... six blog posts in the works (one involves my EXTREME RAGE concerning the Fifty Shades of Crap Trilogy), but they all need tweaking. Until then, I wanted to share something very special. This is my dad's cell phone:
This is his cell phone in the year 2013. It has a sweet plastic/fabric cover, and the display reads, "MARK." I laugh my ass off every time that I see it, however... When it rings as we're sitting at the coffee house after seeing Les Miserables (and I look like I've been crying for two hours straight because I HAVE BEEN), and everyone turns to see a phone that doesn't have the capability to be placed on vibrate? Well, then it's a little embarrassing But, "It still works!" and "I only use it to call you, your mother, and your brother! Why get a new one?" I love him.
