Saturday, October 10, 2009

Masters of the Universe

Okay, so we just finished watching Masters of the Universe, and I have to say that even though it was amazingly, laughably, ridiculously horrible, it was still better than Hot Shots. (Ugh.)

My battle gear is surprisingly effective. And warm.

I am going to recap it in full, so if you are planning on Netflixing this one, I'd stop reading now. But for everyone else who knows better, I bring to you now the fantastic 1987 film, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

He-Man lives on Eternia, a planet also home to the evil Skeletor. No, not Maria Shriver, but an honest-to-goodness man. Well, a man of some sort. Wearing a skeleton mask. Or it's his face. I'm not sure. It wasn't really clear.

He-Man and his two warriors, Teela and Man-at-Arms (no, really, that's his name), apparently the only three people needed to defend the entire planet, are in the middle of a battle. Skeletor has already taken control of Castle Greyskull , a magical place where the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE resides. And where the Master's power originates. Or is that from the sword? I don't know. It wasn't really clear.

Skeletor has also captured Judy Gellar, aka The Sorceress of Greyskull, who holds the castle's power. Wait, I thought that it was the castle that held the power? Or the sword? THIS IS CONFUSING.

He-Man, Teela, and Man-at-Arms are doing a bit of light hiking in the hills and come upon an obnoxious dwarf named Gwildor who I immediately likened to Jar Jar Binks and was therefore annoyed every time he spoke in his high, squeaky, wanna-be-Yoda voice. Apparently, Gwildor is a genius who designed a time-traveling device called, "The Key." It opens dimensions to anywhere. And, of course, Skeletor has it. Convenient.


BUT SQUIDGY LITTLE GWILDOR BINKS HAS MADE ANOTHER. Oh, snap! Avoiding Skeletor's forces, they accidentally warp themselves to Earth, circa the decade of amazing hair and clothes, the eighties. Monica Gellar, I mean Julie Winston, is about to hit the road and move to New Jersey (though I think that Conan O'Brien might try to dissuade her) because her parents died in a plane crash and she thinks that it was her fault, blah blah blah. She's visiting their graves with her boyfriend (but planning on dumping him soon), Kevin, when something causes an ear-splitting explosion.

It's because He-Man and his minions have warped to Earth, but they wouldn't know that. The crash was the stupid key falling to Earth, away from the posse of spandex and laser guns. Hmm, you'd think that someone would have held on to that.

Soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is a dolt and thinks that it's a synthesizer, which would make his band's performance that night completely super radical, because the eighties was nothing without synthesizers, and takes it to his buddy's guitar and music store for identification. That's when Skeletor's greatest warriors/bounty hunters bust through the time-space continuum and make a mockery of the high school by BURNING IT DOWN. School's out for summer! INDEFINITELY.

Julie escapes and runs to an alley where the henchmen almost get her, but then He-Man, Teela, Man-at-Arms, and that annoying elf-dwarf guy rescue her. Instead of fleeing from their spandex (Teela) and inexplicable nakedness (He-Man), Julie clings to them and immediately believes everything they say. As you would.

Detective Lubic, assigned to the arson case, catches up with them and is understandably PISSED about all of the fire and destruction and demands that they hand over the stupid key.

The unsuccessful henchmen return to Eternia and get reamed by Skeletor and his bitch minion. Her name is Evil-Lyn, which seems a little like naming a white poodle, "Whitey." What I'm saying here is that it was lazy writing.

My real name is Evil-Gwen, but Skeletor's ex-girlfriend
was named Gwen. So I changed it.

So Evil-Lyn decides that since she's the only one with balls, she'll go to Earth and get the stupid key. She takes the form of JULIE'S DEAD MOTHER and screws with her brain long enough to ensure that Julie nonchalantly hands over the key. Once everyone else realizes what happened, it's too late. Soon after, He-Man is quickly captured and made to promise to be Skeletor's slave. He agrees, so long as his friends can go free. So Evil-Lyn leaves them on Earth with no way home. Nice!

Back on Eternia, Skeletor is waiting for the eclipse or something to do with the planets so that the castle will recognize him as the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE. With He-Man's sword firmly in place in his throne (hee hee! Dirty!), the transformation begins. Or something. It wasn't really clear.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Kevin mimics the sounds the key made with his sweet keyboard, and they magically warp to Eternia. This was all very simple.

Of course, the amazing magic of the jimmy-rigged key brings not only their rag-tag group of warriors, but half of the car behind which they were hiding, the wall of the building, Detective Lubic, and all of Courteney Cox's hair.

The battle ensues, Skeletor dies or something (I'm not sure. It wasn't really clear), and Evil-Lyn escapes. Most likely leaving room for a sequel.

Detective Lubic decides to stay in Eternia because the twenty minutes he's seen of it consisted of lots of flashy lights and a partially-clothed woman feeding him grapes, and that's enough for him. Julie and Kevin return to Earth, though Julie can't resist one last partially-clothed hug from He-Man. They all bid one another "Good Journey," instead of "Good Bye" because it's more positive and less I-hope-you-don't-die-on-the-battlefield, even though Julie and Kevin are only returning to Earth.

But sneaky Gwildor returns them to Earth the morning BEFORE Julie's parents die in a fiery plane crash, and everything is all hunky-dory and Julie doesn't have to move to New Jersey after all, which would probably be worse than having dead parents anyway.


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