Peanut Butter is Fallible, As it Turns Out

I love peanut butter. Jif, though. Not Skippy, not the store brand, and certainly not that crap natural, healthy kind. Gross. I love nothing more than a peanut butter sandwich. Or the Tagalong Girl Scout Cookies. Or Thai peanut dip. REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. Or apples and peanut butter...

I LOVE peanut butter, you guys. But my tolerance for sweets has changed. I don't eat candy like I used to. In fact, I can only eat one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup at a time. I save the other one for later. Seriously. And I have to be sure that there is plenty of water around.

I'm like, old and shit.

Plus, since I don't buy the natural, healthy peanut butter, I try to make up for it elsewhere. Like not buying candy.

But when I was having the shit day of all shit days, and I saw Twix Peanut Butter in the little convenience store, it was a race to the cash register. I couldn't believe my good luck! Peanut butter will solve my shit day!

That afternoon, while "working," I diligently ate my lunch at my desk. I waited until the boringest part of the afternoon - 3:30. I slowly unwrapped that Twix like Charlie Fucking Bucket, hoping for a Golden Ticket.

Let me be the first one to tell you: Twix Peanut Butter is ridiculously inferior to Twix original.

It was SO DISAPPOINTING.

Booooooooooooooooooooo!

First off, the cookie part was chocolate. Now, I know that complaining about the presence of chocolate may seem sacrilegious, but I am telling you that it was WRONG. Everything about the chocolate cookie was wrong. It wasn't Twix.

Then, peanut butter. It was... fine. It wasn't Jif, that's for damn sure.

Then, caram... THERE WAS NO CARAMEL.

Why? Why would they remove the caramel? It's the best part! I never let myself have candy bars, and when a blue moon DOES materialize in the sky, I want my candy bar to be amazing, not a waste of calories! BOOOOOOOOOO!

I am scarred.