Crossword Shenanigans

I love crosswords. I love them.

During semester break, the student paper isn't published, leaving me without a crossword puzzle. (Or the inane ramblings of over-privileged kids, most of whom haven't had any real world experience and who therefore make me giggle with their optimism and enthusiasm about, well, everything. It's both refreshing and sad, really.)

One day at Target, I was rummaging through the fun $1 bins just inside the main entrance and I discovered some crossword puzzle books AND some sudoku puzzle books. Priced at one dollar each, I thought that I had found the bargain of the century.

(Actually, I'm wrong. This was the bargain of the century.)

Anyway, I shouldn't have gotten so damn excited. The sudokus were fine, but the crossword? Holy lameness, Batman.

Now, I am a loyal crossworder. Since my freshman year of college, I've attempted the crossword almost daily, and those who do this know - it gets easier. You get better. That first week or so, you're convinced that you are the dumbest person alive. How the hell are you supposed to know Portugal's main export? But then your vocabulary improves. You get used to the way the editor writes the clues. You start to realize what s/he means with each clue, even when it could have several interpretations. You still have no fucking idea what the capital of Zimbabwe is, but if you saw it in a puzzle enough, you just might remember it.

(Note: The capital of Peru is LIMA. You'll see that one often.)

So I really thought that I had hit the jackpot. "Yay! Crosswords for me! And not just one per day - I can do AS MANY AS I WANT." The problem? After about ten seconds, I realized my mistake.

These were SHITTY crosswords, possibly constructed by someone who did not speak English as a first language. The clues? Oh. Shall I give you a few examples?

"Damp with sweat." The answer?

SWEATY.

Maybe to those of you who run away from crosswords think I am a massive nerd. That's okay if you do - I am a total nerd. But even the cool kids should appreciate the ridiculousness of these clues:

"Engage in prayer" is PRAY

"Having walls" is WALLED

"Beadlike" is BEADY

"Gymnasium" is GYM

"With bare legs" is BARELEGGED

Oh, and one of the most popular clues: "The act of revealing" is REVEALMENT. What?

I guess it's back to the student paper for me! ("What are we, back in college, freshman year? Let's go to the common room and talk about Apartheid.")