Friday, October 22, 2010

I Seriously Hate You, Guy Across the Street

Dear Guy Who Lives Across the Street From Me,

I don't know you. I see you often, and you seem quite innocuous. I'm pretty sure that you are a renter like me, but I'm not sure. I don't really care, to be honest.

Let me tell you something about me. I park in front of my house. Not because it's my favorite place in the world to park my sweet-ass car, but because my landlord parks in the driveway, and I park on the street. It's just how it works. Of course, if she would just unclench and repave the driveway instead of leaving it to nature, maybe I would park there. But because it's a muddy mess nine months out of the year, and I don't relish the thought of playing musical cars when one of us wants to drive somewhere, our arrangement seems to be working.

Question, though. Why in the hell do you insist on parking in front of my house all the goddamned time? You have your OWN DRIVEWAY, and the space in front of your house is large enough to fit 2.5 cars.

I understand that you might want to have your car pointing in a certain direction, so that when you leave for work, you won't have to turn around in a driveway or go around the block and out of your way, but... YOU HAVE A DRIVEWAY.

The driveway allows you to back out, and while turning your steering wheel in one direction or the other, your car can go EITHER WAY. North OR south!

But you know what else? You don't even drive to work! I'm not even sure that you DO work. Your car is ALWAYS somewhere on the block.

Yes, I know that you can park wherever you damn well please. I know. But the only time I park anywhere other than in front of my own house is when someone (YOU) is parked there already.

Here's my idea: Park in your own fucking driveway.

Love, Heather



Mush said...

Or you could park in HIS driveway. Surprise!

Heather said...

mush - Brilliant!