The Blinding Sights of Spring

The high today is supposed to be eighty degrees. This is very exciting. So exciting, in fact, that I decided to shave my legs in order to wear a skirt.

Now, I've been wearing skirts for months, and I wore them throughout the winter, but this was the first day I was going to leave the house sans tights or nylons since last autumn.

As I got into the shower this morning, I realized that I had left my super awesome razor at Mike's, and was forced to use a light purple disposable razor that I found in my random drawer of bathroom stuff. I could practically feel the razor burn before I even picked it up.

I love you, Fusion.

Except there was just one.
And it was purple. And evil.

Luckily, there was no burn and no blood, but now? A few hours later? It's like I never shaved at all. Explain this to me, SCHICK.

So perhaps you are like me. While shaving, I am inevitably thinking about how freakishly white my legs are going to look once I am outside. But then! I realize that my legs are quite pigmented as compared to the white bathtub, so I must be tan!

And then you get outside and the light reflecting off of your nearly translucent legs is blinding.

THE GOGGLES THEY DO NOTHING.

Me: "Were you speaking parseltongue in the bathroom last night?
BF: "Depends. Was I drunk?"
Me: "Yes."
BF: "Then probably."

"Rawr!"

HOLY SHITBALLS. I just did a google image search for "parseltongue," and this was the first image returned. It's... definitely NSFW, and it's most definitely fucked up. I don't know what kind of fanfic that it belongs under, but WHAT THE HELL? Oh my God, my eyes.

Basically, I am Flying High

I am so freaking happy, ya'll, I don't even know how to express it! The lovely Megan sent me her old digital camera, and it is BETTER THAN MINE WAS. (Seriously, Megan - did you use this camera at all?!??!)

I about cried when I opened the package. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. It's got a faster shutter speed, it has more megapixels, it has better settings and options, and it's smaller!

Basically, I am like a kid on Christmas. But instead of Mall Madness, it was an awesome camera.

So here are the first pictures I took with the new sweet ass camera. I dedicate them to Megan. Especially the moldy tomato. It's so pretty!

Look a bird.

This is a tree!

This was on my kitchen counter! For like, a week!

Ginger cat.

Tulip.

I call this, Tulips and Tree. And Fence.

I Like to Sleep. Is That So Wrong?

It's 11:42 on Sunday morning.

I have been in bed since 6:00 pm yesterday.

Yesterday was the perfect storm of overcast skies and rain, drinking too much coffee, not eating lunch, then later eating onions on my sandwich. If I was trying to get a migraine and aggravate the GERD, I was off to a nice start!

I was out of bed at 8 in order to get to Kelly's for a previously arranged mission, and then it was a long day of Art Vans and Gardner Whites. Have you ever gone furniture shopping? It's like trying to buy a used car, except there are fewer gas fumes. "This is a top-quality bedroom set. You're going to be using this for fifty years. It's totally worth the price."

And I was all, "Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" And then I went a laid down on a mattress. Apparently Vera Wang has her own line of mattresses. If someone can explain to me how this happens, I... well, I wouldn't really care.

(Is this ridiculous to anyone but me? Celebrity designed mattresses? Because there was also a line of Donald Trump mattresses, which was more disgusting than weird, but still.)

By the time I got back to Mike's, it was close to 5, I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and was working on a nice little headache. I scarfed down my recently acquired Jimmy John's and immediately regretted it. I shouldn't be eating that fast, I shouldn't have eaten onions, and I shouldn't have drank that Coke.

So now I had a migraine and the GERD. A banner day, really.

I got in bed at 6, tried to watch the latest episode of Supernatural with Mike, and proceeded to feel my head pound more and more with each minute. In my idiocy, I waited two additional hours to actually take something for my head, because I'm smart like that.

It wasn't until sometime after midnight that I realized that the migraine was gone, but I was exhausted. Hence, the sleeping.

Mike got up early for some reason and then left before noon to get downtown for the Red Wings game, to which I was not invited because I am not a busy and important businessman.

So here I am, alone and bored, trying not to do laundry because it's so damn irritating.

This post sucks. I'm going back to bed.

See? This is Why I NEED a Camera At ALL TIMES.

These are some flowers from a flowering tree in my neighborhood...

...and this is a flower that looks like a vag.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I am Totally in Love With This Blog

OMG, you guys.

My lovely friend Helen (who is leaving me to go to Cyprus and Israel and God knows where else to do "research" and shit for her "PhD" or whatever. DO YOU HEAR ME, HELEN? You are leaving me and I am SAD.) sent me a link to this site and reading it is all we've been doing since. Not to mention wiping away the tears from laughing so hard that my stomach is in knots and I think that I possibly might have peed myself a little.

I wish to hell that I could be this funny. I don't know that I would go so far as to say that I would sell my soul to be this funny, but maybe a kidney.

Helen and I have gotten absolutely nothing done at work today because of this, but I just told her that "I wouldn't even care if I got fired because I now have this blog in my life."

Disappointment

Good story:

I love cider. I love it. I love it when it's in a pint glass with Guinness, and I love it when it's in a bottle from the supermarket. I have yet to find a cider that I don't like. Oh wait, yes I have.

Dammit, Woodchuck! Your Limited Release Winter Cider was FANTASTIC, but then you had to go and make this bullshit spring cider that tasted like melted candy and I poured most of the bottle down the drain (but only when my father wasn't looking, because he hates it when people waste food and drink items).

So then I went and drank more than half of my GROWLER, which was filled with cider from the New Holland Brewing Company, and then I got drunk, and then I went to bed at 6:30.

So that was Easter.

I Have Issues

These signs were on the back of the women's restroom door in a place of business that I may or may not frequent. The lock was broken in a weird way, in that you could lock the door when you occupied the room, but when you left, you had to physically turn the lock on the handle.

I have the feeling that people thought that they were unlocking the door correctly, but still managed to lock the door from the outside.

I know that this is boring, but I just had to point out what a psycho I am when it comes to spelling and grammar:

Yeah, I corrected it. I don't know that I would have been able to sleep that night if I hadn't.

P.S. These pictures were taken a few days ago - BEFORE the death of my camera. OH WOE IS ME.

OH NOES

My camera is broken.

My adorable, wonderful, beloved camera is broken and I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know that I can go on. I don't know that I will be able to survive.

WHAT A WORLD!

So I got off the damn bus yesterday, and on the corner of my street is a house full of hippies who apparently love to carve shit out of stone. This includes a life-sized statue of a naked woman. Lounging. OH, AND IT'S ON THEIR PORCH.

We live one block from an elementary school. Now I realize that I sound like a prude, but won't someone think of the children? God.

Anyway, in addition to tasteful pornography, they do have lovely flowers. Flowers everywhere! So pretty! And you know that I can't resist the pretty.

So I took out my trusty *sniff* camera, shot a few close-ups, and noticed that the screen was not returning to the "view" mode. I flipped the switch back and forth a few times, turned the camera on and off a few times, and figured that it was just too bright outside. The sun, it was blinding.

I got home - and didn't have much time to fuck around as I was due at my boss's house for dinner in less than thirty minutes and I had to change my trousers because they were just too tight and I couldn't breathe very well (plus I'm sick), but then I realized that my pile o' clothes on the window seat was almost impenetrable and I didn't know if I would find the trousers I sought - and didn't check the camera.

I did find the trousers, however. I didn't want you to have to deal with a cliffhanger on top of all the camera drama. That would be unthoughtful.

When I got home later that evening, I wanted to download the lovely flower pictures that I took in front of the hippie house. The pictures downloaded without incident, but the screen of my camera? Done for. It just stopped working.

I remember when I bought my trusty little friend. He has lasted almost four years, which is pretty good for an inexpensive digital camera, right?

My MOTHER doesn't seem to understand the severity of the situation. After I texted her the devastating news this morning, she replied that I was going to have "shutter withdrawal." I think that she thinks she's funny, but she SO IS NOT.

So I replied that she had better enjoy the existing pictures of her granddaughters, since I wouldn't be able to take them any more as no one in my family seems to own a decent camera, and she FAKE GASPED.

Do you SEE what I have to deal with? NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, if anyone has a used digital camera that they wouldn't mind unloading for a fair price, I am totally committed to taking it off your hands. I can't afford a new one right now, and when I passed a fat squirrel this morning (and he POSED for me on the sidewalk), I reached for the CAMERA THAT HAS CEASED TO BE and wanted to cry.

LIFE IS HARD.

Wonky Trees

I feel like they should be in The Wizard of Oz. Or Return to Oz, for that matter. (Did you see Return to Oz? With the psychiatric experiments and then the psycho lady and the heads? I didn't think that there was a way to make anything creepier than flying monkeys, but they found a way.)