This... I Can't Even.

I love my books.  I LOVE THEM.  When I was packing to move to DC for graduate school, my mom wanted me to leave my boxes of books at home, but my dad convinced her that I needed them.  They were a kind of security blanket to me - as strange as that sounds - and having them with me in a new place, truly alone for the first time in my life, gave me a feeling of comfort.

I treat all books - not just my own - very kindly.  In fact, if you looked at the majority of my books, you would think that they hadn't been read.  But they have - some of them multiple times.  I've never cracked a book open and smoothed it down flat, and I've never, ever flipped the cover of a paperback behind the book.  THAT WOULD BE PAINFUL TO THE BOOK.

So what I'm trying to get across is that I treat my books with respect, and I couldn't even imagine harming them.

Until tonight, that is.  I wanted to throw this book across the room, set it on fire, and pee on its ashes.  And then throw the urine-soaked ashes into the FIERY PITS OF HELL.

So, thank you so much, Fifty Shades of Grey.  You can go fuck yourself.  It is literally the worst book I have ever read, for so many reasons, and I've read the Twilight books.  (Which is apt, considering that these asinine Shades books started as internet fan fiction of Twilight. Because apparently, we as a nation cannot get stupider.)

I don't know where to begin.  I hadn't read this trilogy when it was first published - in fact, I avoided it like the plague (although, did one actually avoid the plague? Discuss).  I had heard that it was crap, that it was poorly written, and that the subject matter was SO SHOCKING OMG.

And then I came upon this blog, where the author so expertly and hilariously recapped the book chapter by chapter.  I was angry reading those recaps, and I started to write this here blog post, but I realized that my post would carry more weight if I actually read the books. So I borrowed the first one, because this sham of an author was NOT getting my money.

And then I read it. WHICH WAS A HUGE WASTE OF TIME, in case you're wondering.  Here we go:

Sexual fucktard, Ana Steele, is on her way to Seattle to interview a business mogul for her college newspaper because her roommate (who she constantly bitches about, by the way, because apparently when Kate worries about Ana, it's annoying) is too sick to do the interview herself.

Ana bitches about every woman she encounters, literally falls into the mogul's office, and proceeds to ask scripted questions that she didn't bother to review.  She embarrasses herself, as well as the reader, but somehow charms this enigmatic man.  This... Christian Grey.  

Anyway, she soon discovers that he's into BDSM, about which she is all, "Whatevs!"  So even though she knows exactly nothing about what he's into, she's all eager to get started because this Christian Grey is just so attractive and mesmerizing. But then he gets mad at her because she didn't reveal her sexual status to him immediately upon meeting him. (Which, SPOILER ALERT - she has never seen a penis.)

He tracks her cell phone, shows up at her part-time job, buys her a laptop and a Blackberry so that he can reach her at any time, and basically kidnaps her.

Oh.  And then there's the contract.

I won't tell you about it because it's TOO AWESOME.

I don't know how much of this "novel" is true to life - I don't know much about this lifestyle except from what I read in the last half hour.  I don't know if contracts are something that people sign, and I certainly don't know if people build rooms in their homes specifically for these activities.  But.

One of the things that truly bothers me about this "novel" is that the author paints all sexual fetishes as wrong - that if you are a damaged person if you have predilections of any nature that is not vanilla, married-person sex.  BUT IT GETS BETTER YOU GUYS.

The reason that Christian is into BDSM is because he was a fucked up child and then a really fucked up teenager, and then OBVIOUSLY it's because his parents' older female friend introduced him to the ways.

Ana nicknames her "Mrs. Robinson," even though there is no fucking way she has even SEEN The Graduate, so go die in a fire, Ana.

So.  This is the only way he knows how to have sex.  The only way he wants. And now that Ana's had the sex with him, it's the only way SHE knows.

It's so disturbing.

You know what?  Nevermind. I don't even want to do a fucking book review.  It's crap and I don't think that you should read it.  Unless you love reading about emotional abuse!  Yay!

I'll leave you with this awesome picture I found on the internets:

(Photo Credit: Asad Qayyum)

The Night Strangers

I made the mistake of going to Barnes and Noble the other day.  "I'm just going to browse," I told myself.  "Just going to get an idea of the books I want to read so that I can borrow them from the library," I said.

Yeah, it didn't go so well. 

First of all, I spend WAY too much time in bookstores.  I definitely DO judge a book by its cover (and its title, if I'm being honest), and have a hard time leaving books on the shelves once I become attached.

In the end, it wasn't really all that bad.  I bought a novel and two logic puzzle books.  I lurve logic puzzles.  LURVE.

I also purchased The Night Strangers by Chris Bohjalian.  Mainly because of the description, but also because of the cover.  I thought that it was scary.

Half original story and half derivative bullshit, Strangers had a bit of a hook, I guess: the protagonist,  Chip Linton, was a pilot forced to land a commercial plane on Lake Champlain after hitting a flock of birds shortly after takeoff.   If this sounds familiar, it is, and Bohjalian makes no secret of this.  He even names Captain Sullenberger by name and references the Miracle on the Hudson more than a few times.  That miracle was everything that his landing was not.  Captain Sully not only maneuvered the plane perfectly, but the conditions of the water, the speed of the wind, and the angle at which he touched down were also perfect.  Everyone survived.  

Chip was not so lucky, however, and thirty-nine people died on his plane.

The family needs a new start, clearly, and they relocate to upstate New York.

The new townspeople are strange.  They all have greenhouses.  They call themselves "herbalists."  They are all completely enraptured that the Lintons has twin daughters and are deliriously obsessed with them.  "Did you see the twins?" they constantly ask each other.  And also, "OMFG!!!!!1!!!! TWINS!"

Also, in case I haven't mentioned it, there are twins and they are clearly important.  Incredibly important.  Nefariously important.  

OMG IS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE TWINS?

Once the Lintons settle - in a house that wouldn't sell, by the way, due to UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS IN THE PAST - they attempt to rebuild their lives.  Emily easily finds a job in a family law firm, the girls start school, and Chip?  Well, Chip starts seeing and hearing ghosts in the house.

And when he discovers a small door in the unfinished basement - a door bolted shut with thirty-nine railroad ties - things really begin to unravel.

What bothered me about the book is that the "villains" are pretty obvious from the get-go.  There's also a level of comfort between the herbalists that is just a little off.  Just a little too comfortable.  Those things alone were huge white flags, but what really bummed me out was that the story just felt lazy.  

There were a few good moments, and the twins (TWINS?!??!) were very well written and their characters were nicely developed.  

That said, this was the first book I read by Bohjalian.  I don't know that it has inspired me to read another.

The Secret History

The Secret History weaves an unbelievable, yet surprisingly believable, tale of a group of undergraduate students, bound together by their knowledge and interest of Greek language and literature, their unflinching self-superiority, and later, the murder of one of their own.

Even though the crime is revealed in the prologue, this is a mystery novel. On top of that, however, it is very much a tragedy - a Greek tragedy - from the start, and its brilliance smolders as we learn more and more about the whys rather than the hows.

Richard Papen is a transfer to Hampden College in Vermont, escaping the banality of his California life and his uninterested family. A Greek scholar, he is dismayed to learn that the only professor of Classical Studies has closed his courses to all but a few hand-selected students.

Soon, however, Richard slowly works his way into their elite circle, at part by accident, but mostly due to the drive of his overwhelming curiosity. The group is small - only five students - but they intrigue and captivate Richard. Henry: brilliant and wealthy; Francis: closeted yet confident; the twins, Charles and Camilla: secretive; and the doomed Bunny: boisterous, with secrets of his own.

And there is the professor who brought them together - Julian - who they call by his first name (of course). A bit of a celebrity in the academic world as well as the "real" world, Julian seems to encourage his students to isolate themselves and push their studies and experiences to new heights. His character is one of the most important in the book, yet probably the least is known about him in the end.

The plot twists and turns as Richard is brought deeper into the confidences of the circle's members, and we - along with him - slowly come to the realization that things have gotten really weird.

As I devoured this story, there were moments where I was completely transported to this small town in Vermont, sitting in class with the group, preparing dinner with them at the twins' apartment, studying with Richard in his small dormitory room, and even drinking the weekend away at Francis's aunt's house in the country. Tartt is an exceptional writer to accomplish this at so many points throughout the novel.

The main reason that I selected this book - and was even aware of its existence - was because it was mentioned in a review of a second season episode of "True Blood." Without those reviews (from the incomparable Jacob of Television Without Pity), I don't know that I would have understood what was happening on that guilty pleasure of a show, and later, what was really happening in History.

I understand that The Secret History made quite a splash upon publication and it spent weeks and weeks on the best seller lists. It really is quite a feat for a first novel, and it is a major accomplishment. The only frustration I had was not with the content or the storyline - Tartt quotes ancient and modern texts at times, and they are not always translated into English. I enrolled in the bare minimum of required language courses (Spanish, hola!) to get out of college, so when I was unable to understand those quotes, I really wondered what I was missing - especially since Tartt rarely seemed to include passages in this novel that I would deem unnecessary.

All in all, a fantastic, satisfying read.

The Woman in Black

Arthur Kipps is a young London lawyer sent to Crythin Gifford, a small town far from the comfort and familiarity of London, to attend the funeral of a long-time client of his firm. Mystery surrounds the family and the ancestral house and lands, so much so that the locals will speak nothing of it and seem to pity Arthur's assignment. Before long, Arthur is besieged by terrifying images and sounds, and a mysterious woman in black, old-fashioned clothing seems to be stalking him.

Crythin Gifford, picturesque with flat lands and salt marshes, is not as welcoming as the brash young lawyer expects. When explaining to those he encounters that he must spend time at Eel Marsh House, the home of his deceased client, Mrs. Alice Drablow, to sort her files, he receives little more than pained silences and shocked expressions. He brushes his feelings of uneasiness aside as local tales and makes arrangements to spend a few nights at the house.

I don't think that I took a breath throughout the entire second half of the novel. Hill writes so descriptively and beautifully, and that style continued as she painted a haunting tale of madness, allowing the reader to be swept away to Godforsaken Crythin Gifford. The characters are developed and interesting, and the story never falters. The final twist was not altogether a surprise, but it was definitely a shock. A wonderful, proper ghost story.

How to Defeat Your Own Clone and Other Tips For Surviving the Biotech Revolution

In full disclosure, I should probably tell you that I probably wouldn't have even considered reading this book if I hadn't already known the author from college, because science is just not my thing. And Kyle is not just brilliant, he's hilarious. I remember bonding with him freshman year over our love for The State and how we couldn't believe that it wasn't yet on VHS. (Yes, VHS. I'm old.) So I knew that it couldn't be too painful - you know, for science. Ick.

It's only fitting that he wrote a book. And it's a pretty great book. When the first page of the prologue had me laughing, I knew that I was in for a treat.

Terrifyingly informative and absolutely hilarious, How to Defeat Your Own Clone is a preparative guide for the future. The main point is not that cloning and biological advances could happen, it's that they will happen.

Ahem. They already are.

As an aside (and if asides bother you, don't read this book. There are many asides), I was not a fan of science. Were you like me, doodling in your notebook during chemistry, never really understanding those things called "moles," and hoping to God that the next lab assignment wouldn't have you reaching for a fire extinguisher? Well, that was definitely me, so the premise of this book was a bit off-putting. I thought, "Do I have the brains for this book?"

Answer: ten year-olds have the brains for this book. Well, brainy ten year-old brains. It is so well-articulated that the layperson should have no trouble with the scientific prose. It is written in such an intelligent way that the non-intelligent will feel brilliant!

Kurpinski and his co-author, Terry Johnson, have written an informative, interesting, entertaining book. They stick to the facts, but offer real-world examples to help the lay person understand all those science-y type words. For example, in the first chapter entitled, "Cloning and You," the reader learns about viruses:

"A virus is a lot like an unwanted house guest. Some don't seem so bad at first, like the guy who crashes for the weekend on your pull-out sofa bed. The first night he's passed out and appears relatively harmless. But two days later he's still hanging around, and the next thing you know he's overloaded your washing machine and flooded the basement. In the virus world, these seemingly unassuming little visitors incorporate their genetic material into a host genome and may lay dormant for years before causing any noticeable problems such as AIDS. Other viruses are more like the ultimate party crasher who barges in uninvited, messes with all your stuff, and moves on when the booze dries up - except that the virus makes thousands of copies of itself and they all set fire to your house on the way out."

One of my favorite chapters is "Common Misconceptions About Cloning and Biotechnology [Popular Culture is a Poor Teacher]" which explores and debunks the myths about cloning and the like that we gleaned from science fiction movies and books. Would your clone have a soul? Would it be able to harvest your thoughts and memories? And most importantly, would your clone be... evil? All of these questions are answered!

You will also learn what is needed to clone yourself (or what someone else needs to clone you). Be warned: they don't need much. Because "...complex organisms don't exist as a single cell, but they start as one..." that is all that is needed to start building your clone.

Something important to keep in mind is that because clones will most likely have to be built from scratch and inserted into someone's uterus (for the time being, of course), the clone will always be younger than you. But in case science discovers a way to create your clone just as you exist today, remember that the whole nature vs. nurture thing will eventually be your clone's undoing.

I'll leave you with the authors' careful words of warning:

"In the end, your genome can be copied, but the precise series of cellular events that built you cannot, and that just might be enough to spot a rogue clone."

At 180 pages, How to Defeat Your Own Clone is a quick, fun read. Now I'm off to put my retinal scan on file so that my clone won't beat me to it.

Bossypants by Tina Fey

God, I love Tina Fey.

I waited weeks and weeks for this book to become available to me at the damn library, and now that I have it, I don't want to give it back. I want to hug it and squeeze it and love it forever. And then read it over and over again. It's a book like this that makes me reconsider my self-imposed book buying ban.

Reasons I love this book:

~It's a fast read. There are stories and anecdotes galore, and the spaces are filled in with hilarious self-loathing. It's amazing.

~It's a memoir that won't leave you wishing you were dead. (See my review of Blood, Bones, and Butter.)

~If you watch 30 Rock or watched SNL when it was tolerable (when Tina was the head writer) you'll love the stories. YOU WILL LOVE THEM.

~You get to learn about all that went on behind the scenes during the last Presidential race, i.e., her Sarah Palin impression, and why she was actually hesitant to do it.

~She talks about her life as a mother and refers to having a child as "living with a drunk midget."

That's GOLD, you guys.

Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk

This was the first David Sedaris book I've ever read. I had heard that he was, um... quirky, but jeez.

I recognize that not all authors appeal to everyone, and that a reader might not love every single thing an author has to offer, but I wish I hadn't chosen this Sedaris offering first because I'm now a little nervous about sampling his other works. I read this because his writing has been praised, but I can't pretend that I liked this one just to be cool.

Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk is a collection of short stories with animal protagonists, living human-type lives and dealing with human-type problems. Thank God the stories were short, because I don't know that I could have read more than a few pages of his prose.

Each story was weird. Each was equally depressing. I totally get that Sedaris was making observations about the human condition, and in a way, the stories were quite reminiscent of Aesop, but sweet God, man - did you have to be so disgusting?

The story that stuck with me most featured a crow talking to a ewe about child-rearing. The crow seems to be enthralled with the ewe's lamb and how content it seems to suckle from its mother. The crow commiserates with the ewe about children and how difficult it is to relax when one is so consumed by motherly love and that damn protective instinct. The crow talks about how she meditates to relax, convinces the ewe to do the same, and while the ewe is experiencing another plane of existence, the crow pecks out the eyes of the lamb in order to feed her own babies.

What. The. Hell.

Again, allegories. I KNOW. I get it. But it doesn't mean that I have to enjoy it.

The illustrations are by Ian Falconer, of the famed Olivia books. The drawings are an amazing addition, and as weird as some are (there is one of a hippo's anus), they really do make the book whole. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk is an imaginative, interesting, intentionally creepy (?), brilliant work. And I hated it.

The Magicians

How to describe The Magicians? Calling it a "Harry Potter for Adults" would be underestimating its power and creativity. Perhaps a cross between Harry Potter, The Narnia series, and a typical college experience would be more appropriate. With more than a few hangovers.

Quentin is bookish, at the top of his class in high school. His best friends are as nerdy as him, and they all have grand plans for their futures at university. But everything changes when Quentin is transported to a hidden school, masterfully passes a (seemingly) ridiculous entrance exam, and is admitted to Brakebills Academy. A school for magic.

Magicians is gritty. It feels true to life. Lev Grossman satisfyingly describes his teenage characters truthfully, without holding anything back. Yes, teenagers swear. Yes, teenagers have sex. Teenagers rebel against authority, go through an apathetic stage, and perhaps have a moment of awakening.

I really wanted to love this book, and for the most part, I did. But while the first two thirds of the story were wonderful, the last third fell short. It was trying way too hard to be something else (namely, Narnia), and became extremely predictable. While creative, I felt like there were too many similarities. I've since read that Grossman was paying homage to books from his youth, and I think that's wonderful, but there is a little too much of that going on for my liking.

The sequel, The Magician King, was just released. Just because Magicians didn't meet my expectations, Grossman is simply too talented to ignore. I'll be reading his second outing.

The Devil In the White City

Erik Larson crafted a page turner in The Devil in the White City, chronicling the construction and production of the 1893 Chicago's World Fair while interspersing the narrative with fascinating accounts of one of America's first serial killers.

After the brilliant display of the 1889 Paris World Fair, the idea that the United States would host the next fair was laughable to the world, and even to most of America. The unveiling of the Eiffel Tower was deemed one of the most incredible feats in architectural history, and consensus was that the U.S. would never be able to match that feat, let alone surpass it. How would a lowly industrial city ever pull it off?

Daniel Burnham and John Root, the Chicago Fair's architects, were determined to wow the world and to prove their critics wrong. They assembled the best and the brightest designers, landscape architects, performers, and visionaries and fought forced budgets and the powers that be to bring their collective dream to life.

As for outdoing Gustave Eiffel, they brought George Washington Gale Ferris, Jr. to Chicago. He had an idea about a large wheel.

But something sinister was lurking, just at Chicago's edge. A madman, putting his devious plans into motion.

H. H. Holmes was an attractive, charismatic man. He charmed women, left long-suffering creditors at ease, and was an extremely successful businessman.

He was also a psychopath.

Armed with facts, while sometimes forced to imagine himself in the minds of Holmes's victims, Larson brings the reader along the path of a deviant mass murderer as he charms his way into women's pocketbooks and legacies before murdering them in cruel and sickeningly imaginative ways. After skirting his debtors for years and murdering countless numbers of people, Holmes is finally brought to justice by a tireless detective.

I was sure that I was going to skim the sections about the World's Fair and devour the parts about H.H. Holmes. I'm weird about the macabre. Much to my surprise, the entire book was amazing!

Larson's accounts of the conception, planning, development, and construction of the World's Fair were intriguing, and his writing style ebbs and flows in a way that I found myself devouring every word. I am looking forward to reading his next book - In the Garden of Beasts: Love, Terror, and an American Family in Hitler's Berlin.

The fact that there are sixty people ahead of me on the library waiting list should tell you something about Larson and his skill in creating a pager-turner!

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon

I read lots of Stephen King in middle and high school - it was all part of my King/Grisham/Crichton phase, which died out after about a year when I discovered Jane Austen. You know, as you do.

Recently, a suggestion on the internets brought me to The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. I had no idea that this book even existed, and now I've read it twice. It's that good. I read it again specifically so that I could review it here. People! Read this book!

Trisha McFarland is nine years old, and she is lost in the thick woods of Maine. The child of a recent divorce, her mother had planned the day trip (one of many, recently) as a way to occupy Trisha and Pete, Trisha's older brother. While hiking with the two of them on a three-mile portion of the Appalachian Trail, Trisha falls back - mostly, she has to pee, but she was tired of their constant arguing.

Instead of backtracking, she decides to follow what seems to be a parallel trail, assuming that it will loop around and she'll be able to rejoin her family.

It was the worst mistake of her life.

Trisha is soon too deep into the woods to realize she's lost until it is much too late. She has a small lunch in her backpack, along with water, a bottle of pop (I suppose it would be soda to her, since she's an East Coaster...), and a poncho. Most importantly, she has her Walkman, and she realizes that she can listen to the radio broadcasts of her beloved Boston Red Sox and their closing pitcher, Tom Gordon.

She makes poor decision after poor decision, but as she hears mention of her disappearance on the radio, she imagines the hundreds of people forming search parties. She guesses that she'll be rescued in mere hours.

She's wrong.

As the days and nights pass, Trisha looks deep inside for survival, and Tom appears to help guide her on her way. Together, she feels she can and will survive. But what happens if he disappears?

This book touches on so much more than survival and instinct. It's about family and family dynamics, friendship, and hope. But mostly, it's about the power of the will.

Of course, it wouldn't seem like a Stephen King novel without a little supernatural freakiness, and it has that, too. Whether Trisha's visions are real or hallucinations is for the reader to decide.

Bridge to Terabithia

In a quest to read popular childhood books that I overlooked at the time, Bridge to Terabithia called to me. And thank goodness that it did - I can't believe that I went thirty years before reading such an incredible book.

One of the most beautiful and haunting coming of age tales I've read, Bridge to Terabithia follows the strong friendship of Jess Aarons, a self-described "weird kid" with a talent for drawing and the misfortune of being the only boy in his family, and Leslie Burke, an imaginative, kind-hearted child of "hippie" parents who moves to the area just before the school year begins.

As Leslie and Jess enter the fifth grade, it's clear that she is different. She beats all of the boys in a foot race on the first day of school and later naively reveals to the entire class that she doesn't have a television, sparking ridicule by most and a protective instinct in Jess.

Jess is completely annoyed by Leslie at first, her having ruined his plans to be the fastest sprinter in the school, but cannot deny that she has an incredible spirit. With her imagination and his steadfastness, they create a world of their own in the woods near their homes. Leslie bestows the name Terabithia and within it, they rule as kind and queen.

Together, they face problems both inside and outside of Terabithia. From marauding attackers to the school bully, they work as a team. A snap decision and seemingly selfish act leads to tragedy and Jess soon realizes how much he has grown since meeting Leslie.

It's a fast read, being that it's a juvenile book, but its lessons and themes resonate strongly. I can't even imagine how I would have dealt with this book if I had actually read it when I was ten years old. I'm guessing that I would have been absolutely gutted. And I'm guessing that I would have loved it just as much as I did twenty years later.

The Descent

"If there can be a historic Christ, why not a historic Satan?"

The Descent is many things: adventurous, scary, philosophical, religious, and hopeful. At the same time, it can be a little slow, a little depressing, and sometimes predictable.

The narrative begins with several related stories, set all over the world. A group of climbers are stranded in a cave after a surprise snowstorm... A nun stationed in Africa discovers a proto-human species and hears whisperings of a being called Older-Than-Old... In Bosnia, something is stealing massacred bodies from mass graves...

...with grisly results.

It is soon discovered that humans are not alone on Earth - that is, they may no longer be the dominant species. In fact, there is a massive underground system deep under the crust of the planet, developed by human-like creatures over millions of years. They are rarely seen, but are vicious. The few people who have escaped from their clutches are irreparably harmed, both physically and psychologically.

There have been sightings of these creatures over the centuries, but they soon begin to journey to the surface more often than ever before. Given the scientific name Homo hadalis and nicknamed "hadals," the world is soon forced to accept the fact that humans are not alone. The idea that aliens would come from below rather than above is shocking.

The story focuses on several main characters, or groups of characters. Some are seeking Satan- not just pure evil, but an actual, embodied King of Hell. Armed with the belief that "He" exists, then it's only natural he can be destroyed.

Additionally, some are looking to conquer this underworld and make it a military stronghold (because of course they are). Scientists are hoping to discover new plants, animals, insects, and resources. And one woman is attempting to pinpoint the beginning of language.

Lastly, the hadals. What do they seek?

With so many variables and storylines, one might think that The Descent is just too much. Luckily, Long weaves these stories simultaneously, allowing his characters to grow from their predetermined "identities" into so much more. The differences between the humans and hadals seem immense at first, but seem to diminish as the novel progresses. Long's grasp of the human condition is eerily accurate, which is also a little depressing, to be honest.

The Descent is a good book. It's not great, and that's mainly because of long periods of nothing happening. But it was very different from books I normally read, so it was fairly refreshing for me. It has something for everyone at some point (adventure, horror, romance, philosophic wonderment, etc.), but that might not be enough to get through the whole thing.

**I don't know if this novel was an inspiration for the film of the same name, because I haven't seen it, but there are many similarities in the plots (or at least, from what I read at imdb).**

Blood, Bones, and Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef

In her satisfying memoir, Blood, Bones, and Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef, Gabrielle Hamilton invites the reader into not only her New York City restaurant, Prune, but her entire life. In fact, this memoir is just as much a story of family as it is of food.

BB&B is divided into three sections: Blood, her adolescence, wild teen years, and her start in the food world; Bones, the structure that led her to where she is today - college experiences, travel, opening her restaurant; and Butter, her life as a restaurant owner, head chef, wife, and mother.

Hamilton is driven by food, but not just because she enjoys cooking. The thought of cooking - preparing, eating, sharing, and providing - is what makes her a chef. She wants customers at Prune to feel as she felt when traveling across Europe and Asia - hungry and alone - to feel as deliriously happy as she did when she encountered people who took pity on her, fed her, and gave her a place to rest.

Hamilton's planned, multi-year "disappearance" in Europe is a tale that could stand on its own, but its inclusion in BB&B is just part of what makes her book so delectable. Overall, BB&B is more about family than anything else. Hamilton's relationship tales - with her parents, her siblings, her friends, and her husband and children - are peppered throughout the book and are so complementary to her narrative, that's it almost immediately obvious that she holds an MFA in creative writing. Her descriptions of food make you not only hungry, but leave you yearning for whatever it is that she's describing.

Her strained relationship with her divorced parents clearly marks her life trajectory, cements her choices, and pushes her to be an adult long before she is ready. She makes decisions that will change her life, and some of her choices are absolutely perplexing to the reader.

Personally, I had a bit of a problem with the final third of the book. While I loved reading about her summers in Italy with her husband's family, some felt a little too personal. I almost felt like I was eavesdropping on very private feelings and conversations. But since Hamilton was clearly writing a memoir - not just a chef's memoir - every word is important.

Let the Right One In

Oskar is a lonely kid. Overweight and bullied at school, he's allowed himself to fall into routines just to avoid the daily beatings and constant humiliations from his peers. Strangely macabre, he collects newspaper articles about murders and reads stories about Jack the Ripper. Living in a manufactured town that seems to be forever stuck in a loop, people go about their business, their routines, letting each day end and the next begin the exact same way as the day before.

But as several grisly murders make the community, routines are chucked to the sideroads, and the community is forever wary of what lies in the darkness.

Oskar soon befriends Eli, a girl who has moved into his complex. She's a little weird, though. He never sees her during the day, she never seems to be properly dressed, and she... smells horrible. But she's nice to him, which is a welcome and desperately sought form of affection.

With an intertwining cast of colorful, perfectly constructed characters, they are all somehow touched by Eli. Oskar benefits the most from his friendship, growing into his own confidence and making adult decisions that will forever change his life.

This is a chilling, haunting book, and a welcome twist to the vampire genre. However cliched those adjectives are, they are the absolute best ways to describe John Ajvide Lindqvist's novel. On the one hand, a sweet coming-of-age tale, on the other, a vicious attack on the dangers of complacency, Let the Right One In is one of the best books I've read in years.

Winter's Bone

Winter's Bone is bitter and loving, heartwarming and cold, terrifying and uplifting. I liked it and I hated it.

Ree Dolly is a strong woman. At sixteen, she is already the head of the household, unceremoniously tasked with the care of her two young brothers and a near-catatonic mother. Deep in the Ozarks, she has learned at a young age what it takes to survive in near poverty. After leaving school to run the family, she has had enough hardship in her sixteen years. And now that her father has run off - again - she's the closest thing to an adult figure.

On a crisp morning, the sheriff appears at the door with sobering news. At the time of her father's last arrest for the manufacture of crystal meth, he posted bail and fled. His court date is approaching, and if he doesn't show, the family is going to lose their home. It seems that he put up the house as collateral, with apparently no thought of what this would mean for his family.

Residents of the Ozarks are all distantly related, and though being related by blood is supposed to "mean something," Ree discovers that there are many secrets that need to remain hidden.

Ree embarks on a dangerous journey to locate her father, entering areas in which she is violently not welcome. She's told to mind her own business, and slowly comes to terms with the fact that her father may no longer be alive. Caring less about her father's fate than the livelihood of her mother and brothers, she encounters the worst sides of the human spirit and the antithesis of family. While some show her kindness, Ree is deemed dangerous and her search soon escalates into a fight for the truth. And survival.

While bleak, Winter's Bone still manages to have hope. The reader is never sure of Ree's fate, and suffers with her. Daniel Woodrell has delivered a powerful novel that keeps the reader engaged, always wanting to learn more, no matter how painful and horrible.

Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly

I remember catching episodes of No Reservations on the Travel Channel and thinking, "Wow. Anthony Bourdain is a dick! I sure like him." But if people see him as cocky, it sure seems that he's earned it.

The more I learned about food and cooking over the years, the more I wanted to read Kitchen Confidential. Anthony Bourdain is a "celebrity chef" now, due to this book (originally published in 2000 and reissued in 2007 with a prologue), but after graduating from the Culinary Institute of America, he toiled in kitchens all over the world for years before scoring several "big breaks."

Kitchen Confidential follows Bourdain from his start of his career in a restaurant on the New England waterfront, to his current position at executive chef at Brasserie Les Halles in NYC.

Along the way, the reader is treated to stories and anecdotes of what really goes on behind the kitchen doors in restaurants - from no-star eateries to Michelin-rated establishments. Many stories are hilarious and self-deprecating, others make me nervous to eat out at all.

For example, never order fish on Mondays, never order a nice cut of meat "well done," and never stiff your server. Trust me.

Bourdain acknowledges the many, many mistakes that line his career path, and the reader is privy to his descent into alcoholism, drug use, and other addictions. He's not alone in the restaurant world, apparently, and the lives that chefs lead are definitely not your typical nine-to-fives.

My favorite parts of Kitchen Confidential are those when Bourdain gets technical - explaining how and why professional kitchens are designed, how the sous chef and line cooks operate and set up his/her station.

Actually "his/her" is misleading. Very few women are found in kitchens, due to the rampant misogyny and crassness. Those who can handle it are legends.

Bourdain loves his choice of career, and it's obvious. He is writing, first and foremost, for the people in the industry - the ones who will "get it." It's a love letter of sorts. Laced with cocaine.

(Kitchen Confidential was a short-lived television series starring Bradley Cooper. It's actually quite good, but FOX pulled the plug after 13 episodes. Full episodes are available at imdb.com.)

Three Bags Full: A Sheep Detective Story

George is a good shepherd. Not a great one, according to his sheep, but good. Raising them only for wool, he seemed to really care for his flock, giving them names like Othello, Miss Maple, and Mopple the Whale (Mopple was quite large), and reading to them from books of all genres.

The sheep liked the romance novels - the ones where the heroines all seemed to be named "Pamela" - but it was the detective stories they really loved.

The detective stories were gritty and real, and followed a distinct pattern. These were the stories that really came in handy the day they discovered George lying on his back in the meadow, an old spade stuck in his torso.

Set in the quaint Irish village of Glennkill, Three Bags Full follows George's flock as they attempt to solve the murder of their shepherd.

There are obstacles, of course, including the attempted murder of other townspeople, visitor to town, and the reappearance of one thought long, long gone.

What a fun, clever read! The sheep are amazingly worldly, due to George's stories and life lessons, but hilariously clueless on humans and the human condition.

What makes this book almost impossible to put down is that the plot doesn't race along at breakneck speed. It simply can't. George's sheep aren't humans, so they don't think like humans, and this is one of the things that I appreciated the most about Leonie Swann's novel. The sheep didn't immediately understand why humans did what they did, why George was put in a box in the ground, and who this "God" person was.

Swann weaves a tale of intense small-town corruption - a town with no secrets, where everyone knows everyone else's business, and the slightest bit of gossip can ignite into the largest scandal.

I adored this book and absolutely fell in love with its woolly, inquisitive characters.

The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University

When I was in high school, my cousins bought tickets for the three of us to see the band Jars of Clay. They're a Christian band, but I liked them for many other reasons - the songs were catchy and they didn't seem to have a super-religious overtone. But wow. We were in for a surprise. The "concert" ended up being a evangelical come-to-Jesus kind of thing with a multitude of bands intercut with preaching, testifying, and singing, and when Jars of Clay finally emerged, they only played five songs.

What made it really strange to us, though, having grown up just as Christian as everyone else (so we thought), was that everyone around us seemed to know the various prayers and hymns. "You know the song! Sing along!" And everyone around us would be belting out lyrics, one arm raised to the ceiling and the other on the heart, and the three of us glanced at each other, confused. Left out.

Then people began running down to the stage to be "saved," and we decided that it was time to leave. We were worried that someone would notice that we were different and try to convert us. Try to get us to be... saved.

It wasn't until recently that I finally understood that event.

When I put The Unlikely Disciple on hold at the library, there were nine people ahead of me on the waitlist. And now that I've finished it, I understand why. It is a best-seller because the author experienced first-hand what it was like to enter the evangelical Christian community as an outsider, and the book was received so well because the author chose to learn why these people tick rather than writing a tell-all mocking them.

Kevin Roose, a student at Brown University, enrolled at Liberty University for one semester with the goal of learning more about a community of people with beliefs far from his own. Founded by the controversial evangelical minister, Jerry Falwell, Kevin immersed himself in a completely new lifestyle for months. He joined the choir at Falwell's church, he made good friends, he learned to follow The Liberty Way, and he even dated a bit (of course, hand-holding was as far as he could go physically, or he could run the risk of paying a fine and earning demerits).

What he discovered at "America's Holiest University" was that the students, staff, and faculty were, for the most part, very good people who truly believed in Jesus, the Gospel, and spreading the word of God. And getting through college.

Oh, and finding a spouse, of course.

But Liberty University had policies that made Kevin shake with rage, especially their deeply-held rule against the teaching of evolution and the criminalization and immorality of homosexuality. Professors were carefully chosen by the administration, and anyone who threatened to overturn the set curriculum was dismissed.

Once in a while, at one of the tri-weekly convocation sessions, someone would be "saved." He or she would accept Jesus and pledge to live his or her life in service of the Lord. And it would be the talk of campus. The whole thing was somewhat interesting, until it was revealed that only those who were "saved" would be accepted into Heaven. Your religion didn't matter - Catholic? Methodist ? Baptist? Sorry! You're going to Hell.

Unless you get the call to serve the Lord, of course.

Roose writes very, very well. The book flowed more like a work of fiction than an autobiographical account, and it was almost impossible to set down. Roose maintained his journalistic integrity, but peppered his account with his own thoughts and opinions, making the narrative even richer. The fact that he was very deeply opposed to many of the things that occurred on Liberty's campus made it more than an interesting read - one had to wonder if he was ever going to snap.

And there was always the chance that he would be discovered as an outsider.

I highly recommend this book. I would especially encourage those of you with a more liberal mindset to consider picking it up, as it really gives humanity and truth to a group of people who, I think, are mostly misunderstood as crazy, religious zealots.

Had I read a book like this before going to that concert years ago, the whole experience would have made much more sense. I wouldn't have been as confused (and frankly, scared), and perhaps I would have been able to enjoy myself more.

But I probably wouldn't have gone down to be "saved." I'm a hell-bound Catholic, after all.

The Graveyard Book

In The Graveyard Book, wordsmith Neil Gaiman explores the trials and tribulations of Nobody Owens, a boy raised in a graveyard . So it's a classic coming-of-age tale... in a graveyard. With a title like The Graveyard Book, this book has the potential to be macabre and disturbing. But instead, it is uplifting and encouraging, engaging the reader and cultivating a strong, heroic character toward his eventual adulthood.

Late one night, a man named Jack murders an entire family - save one. The entire family was to have perished that night, but a small child wanders out of the house on his own and toddles into the nearby graveyard. The ghostly residents soon realize that the child must be protected, and conceal him from Jack.

Over the years, "Bod" learns from the multi-generational and historical graveyard denizens. His closest teacher and confidant is Silas, a mysterious being who seems just a little different from the rest of the ghosts. Silas is appointed as Bod's guardian, and sees that Bod always has food to eat, clothes to wear, and books to read. But mostly, Silas is to keep Bod safe, for it is clear that the man, Jack, will be returning someday.

This was my first foray into Neil Gaiman territory, and I'm very glad that I finally took the chance. I love his writing and his imagination, and the story was hypnotic. Because it is a Young Adult book, the storyline and its parallels were a little obvious (The Jungle Book), but the twists and turns were not.

It's a quick and enjoyable read, and while I found the ending to be a little bittersweet, it nicely brings Bod out of adolescence and into the rest of his life.

Wait Till Helen Comes

OMG.

I read this book years ago, but the cover still scares the bejesus out of me. I mean, look at the horrible eighties sweatshirt! Look at the mullet hair! And look at the ghost's hair - what curls and body!

Anyway, I was always reading at a higher level than my peers, and though this book was meant for fourth through seventh grade readers, I can guarantee that I read it in the second grade. Which makes my screams from the top bunk of the bunk bed even more understandable.

(Note: I did not re-read this book. This review is based purely on memory and a quick glance at the book description on Amazon. And nightmares.)

Wait Till Helen Comes is narrated by Molly. Molly's mother has recently remarried and Molly and her brother can't stand their new stepsister, Heather, because she's a heinous bitch. Ha!

The parents are dirty hippies and buy an old church that's been converted into a house. They need studio space because they are both artists. Great idea! I'm sure that pays the bills. Of course, the church comes with a fantastic adjacent graveyard. Just the kind of place for children to be traipsing around.

Heather makes friends with a ghost named Helen, and long story short, Helen wants Heather to be with her forever. I remember there being a pond and an attempted drowning, and the siblings all become friends in the end. I do not remember much parental involvement. There may also have been a fire. I just don't remember if it was in the church or anther building.

Heather was such a bitch, though.