Northworst Remorse

Ah, Northworst. You provide me with endless entertainment and stress.

The flight back to DC last night, now? Holy pain in my ass, Batman!

As usual, I stepped out at the curb to get my e-ticket. The machine was being difficult and kept asking for my confirmation number... which I didn't have. So I hauled ass inside to talk to someone at the counter. This is where it gets good...

The area for coach passengers was packed. I spotted an empty e-ticket kiosk and attempted to check in again. No dice. So I waited for the counter employee to take a breath from talking to this guy, and I go for it.

"Excuse me, ma'am? I'm being asked for my confirmation number, but I don't have it. What should I do?"

Nothing.

"Ma'am? I need some help."

She very slowly, alien-like, turns toward me and very icily says, "Can you not SEE that I am helping someone else?"

Under my breath, "whoa." Pause. "Yes, of course, but I just have a quick question."

"YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT!"

O...kay. So I stand there like an idiot while she tells this poor gentleman that there is no way that he is going to make his 7:00 flight (it's 6:30) because the line at security is way too long (there are about five people in line) and that the gate is near the end of the terminal (they have a people-mover type tram that can get him there in seconds). And his bag would never make it. He said, fine, no problem, I just want to get home. TOO BAD. She imformed him that he'll never make it and hands him a ticket for a flight the next morning at 6:45 a.m. Dejected, he was about to say something, and she sent him this GLARE that about knocked his head off. It was terrifying.

All through this, she kept yelling at every single person who DARES step up behind me, "I. AM. CLOSED. NO MORE CUSTOMERS."

I ask, "Ma'am, should I go to another counter?"

Nothing. I take that as a cue to stay put. Besides, if I get out of line, I will definitely miss my flight. Annnd, it makes total sense that there are three employees assisting at least twenty coach customers and seven employees helping exactly zero first class passengers. Heaven forbid they walk over and help us peons, SERIOUSLY.

And then, to herself, "Life is just grand. JUST GRAND."

Fantastic. I have awakened the beast. And she is HUNGRY.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"DC. Reagan."

"WHEN DOES IT LEAVE?" (It's close to 7 by now).

"7:30."

"I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE BAGS TO CHECK BECAUSE THEY WON'T MAKE IT."

"Just carry-on."

She thrust a boarding pass at my face and I hightailed it out of her line of vision. Terrifying!

Security was fine except for the asshat guard who was arguing with the x-ray scanner chick about a pen or something. COME ON! I have NO TIME! AHHHHHH!

Got to the gate, and they weren't boarding yet because it's hard to board a plane when the plane ISN'T THERE. When I finally got onto the plane, there was a bit of commotion going on behind me. One row back, across the aisle, there were three people arguing. The woman by the window, who I couldn't see (we'll call her 'Crazy'), the twenty-something guy in the middle seat, and the chick on the aisle.

Crazy: "I want to move!"

Chick: "If you just switch with me, it will be very simple."

Crazy: "I paid for a window seat, and I want a window seat!"

Bitch, this isn't a hotel where you pay more for an ocean-view room - what the hell is she talking about? I caught the eye of guy, and he shrugged, looking a little scared.

Chick: "I need to be asleep when the plane takes off, or I will FREAK OUT." (Never did find out what that meant, though). "If you're going to need to get up several times during the flight, why don't you just sit on the aisle so you don't disturb everyone?"

Crazy: "I want to sit by the window. I want to move. I WANT TO MOVE!"

At this point, guy said something that pissed her off even more, and she was out of her seat and in the aisle. I don't know how she did it - there was a blur ;)

Here comes the perky flight attendant, completely unaware of what is about to unfold.

Perky: "Did someone need some assistance?"

Silence. Not a word.

Finally...

Guy: "How full is the flight?"

Crazy, interrupting him: "I WANT TO MOVE. I have allergies."

Perky: "Well, passengers are still boarding the plane, but it looks like there should be a few seats."

Crazy: "I'll be in the back waiting for my new seat."

Wow.

So chick moved to the window, guy moved to the aisle, and I didn't see/hear Crazy or her allergies again until she hit me with her suitcase on its way down from the overhead compartment. Thanks!

It was a banner day for Northworst - at least in my book!