The Biggest Surprise of the TV Season

Now that the networks have aired all of their season (and series!) finales, I feel that I should at least try to get you to watch something over the summer: The Vampire Diaries.

The Vampire Diaries is based on some teeny-bopper book series (that I swear I've never read, because if I'm going to read any more books about vampires, it's going to be the trashy-but-awesome True Blood series, but let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?) and as I've never read them, I have no idea how they translate to the screen. What I do know is that I caught the last bit of the season and have been playing catch-up ever since, thanks to the CW, its glorious reruns, and Mike's DVR.

I know. I know, I know, I KNOW. But I am telling you -- it's actually good, it has engrossing storylines that actually get resolved, the dialogue is entertaining and far from stilted and Dawson's Creek-ish, and it has a cast full of pretty, pretty people.

Pretty.
OH SO PRETTY.

The fact that it aired back-to-back with Supernatural made Thursday nights awesome.

The series focuses on Elena, a normal high school girl who loses her parents in a car accident. She then promptly falls for Stefan, a new guy at school. Oh, and he's a 100+ year old vampire.

BUT WAIT IT GETS BETTER.

Stefan has a brother, ALSO A VAMPIRE OMG, named Damon (who you might recognize as Boone from Lost), and he's... well, he's got issues. But oh sweet God, is he attractive. He's basically there to throw a wrench into everything and to ruin his brother's un-life.

The rest of the cast is great. Not just bit-parts and good-looking stand-ins, they all have engrossing storylines and interesting personalities. There's Elena's best friend, Bonnie, who is learning to harness her powers as a descendant of the SALEM WITCHES OH MY GOD; Caroline, head cheerleader and gossip queen, but also kind of sweet; Jeremy, Elena's brother and a total druggie; and Matt, Elena's ex and all-around nice guy.

One thing that The Vampire Diaries does - unlike so many shows on television today - is move the story along at a satisfying pace. Plot lines are introduced in the first scene and resolved halfway through an episode! And when people have thoughts or doubts or questions, they actually talk about them. It's crazy, I'm telling you. Threats? Followed through. Deaths? Many. Romantic interludes? Not too many to make you vomit, but enough to keep you interested.

If you're easily bored and distracted, this show is for you as it will keep you interested. It moves fast and it definitely delivers. The season finale cliffhanger was one of the best I've ever seen (the best being season five of Friends - Ross saying "Rachel" at his wedding to Emily), and I really can't wait for season two to discover what happened!

This is What I've Done So Far at My New Temp Job

I made pretty necklaces for the coffee pots so that people don't accidentally reach for the Starbucks when they were craving the Folgers. Seriously, this is something that I was asked to do. And they pay me money.



Marvelous.

Comparison Shopping

It's been over a week or so since my True Blood marathon, and I've realized that am in withdrawal. A little bit. After a few days of hemming and hawing, I compared prices and finally decided to buy the first season.

I compared prices, because that's what you do. You don't randomly gallop into Target or wherever, scoop up your bounty and throw hard-earned money at the cashier as you run out the door in a hurry to get home and see canoodling vampires on your television screen. Well, I know someone like that, but it's not me. Anyway.

Speaking of which, Borders, do you really think that I am going to pay $55.99 for a five-DVD set? What about you, Best Buy? $46.99? I don't think so!

I even checked overstock.com and buy.com and contrary to the ideas set forth in their commercicals, their prices were laughable. Finally, my beloved Target disappointed me as well ($49.99), and I'll just have to get over that, I suppose.

Anyway, I ordered them on amazon, and I got myself a sweet ass deal from the marketplace. Up yours, Barnes and Ignoble (Ha ha! Do you see what I did there? WORD PLAY). Suck it, Worst Buy!


With all due respect, Best Buy, I found this on the internets and mean no copyright infringement. But you are poop.

The Cat Hath Spoken

You will go nowhere.
Mark my words.

Little Hamburger, Please

You guys! OMG!

When I left DC to return to Michigan, I knew that I would be saying goodbye to lots of friends and a way of life. I would no longer have the Metro, the Smithsonian, and the National Mall.

There were things that I knew I wouldn't have to do without upon my return to Ann Arbor, and those included: Chipotle, Potbelly, Ikea, and Trader Joe's. All had opened in Ann Arbor sometime between 2002, when I left, and 2007, when I returned. I had become reliant upon them (especially Trader Joe's), and it was like, the best day ever when I found that they were all here!

But there was one place that I missed. Not all of the time, but when I wanted a good, cheap burger, I longed for this place. But now I won't have to wait much longer!

A Five Guys is opening in Ann Arbor. On campus. OH GLORIOUS DAY.

Obviously, people need more meat. Dr. Spaceman says, "Humans need more animal blood. It keeps their spines straight." I say that we listen to Dr. Spaceman and get ourselves to Five Guys.

I took this picture over five years ago when at a job that made me cry on a daily basis. But leaving to get lunch made me happy, especially when Five Guys was only a half block away. That is 2/3 of what they call a "Little Hamburger." Delicious! I can't WAIT to have one of those again.

Weird Day

You guys, I saw someone wearing the "A Wizard Turned You Into a Whale" shirt today and it only AMPLIFIED my desire to have it.

I mean, this shirt is awesome. There is no denying that it is awesome.

Anyway, then I sat by the Michigan Union to eat my lunch and even though it wasn't really that warm, decided that even though I wanted to wade in this fountain, I probably shouldn't.

It's been a weird day...

Nosebud

True story. My mom is insane.

I was waiting on the bus stop at 7 the other morning and I got the following text from my mother:

LADY: Good morning little rosebud! Have a happy day :)

(Backstory - Apparently my mom used to call me and my brother "rosebud," as we were precious flowers-to-be. She sure got that wrong.)

(Double backstory - I had no idea that she ever called us that.)

ME: Did you just call me a sleigh?

(First error - I meant to say "sled" as that would have aligned with what I first thought of when I read "rosebud," even though I have never seen Citizen Kane. What I didn't realize is that my mother did not make the connection, especially when she saw the word "sleigh." So this is when it starts to get... weird.)

LADY: Lolol! That said ROSEbud, not NOSEbud.

Um, what?

So at this point, I'm trying to make peace with the idea that my mother thinks that the sled in Citizen Kane was called NOSEbud, which is both absolutely hilarious and slightly frightening.

Completely unhinged, I responded:

ME: Well, I've never even seen the damn movie, so I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So I thought about this all day. I'm not kidding. I couldn't get it out of my head. I met Mike for dinner and told him the story, which led him to immediately text my mom and call her nosebud.

When we left the restaurant, I called my dad, because I knew that he would get a kick out of the story. He was already laughing as he picked up the phone. I told him the story with my mom protesting in the background, and we decided that my mom's brain connections probably went a little like this:

"Heather just said sleigh. But I called her rosebud... Hmmm... Sleigh... Santa... Reindeer... Rudolph the Red NOSEd Reindeer... Nosebud."

Does your mother's brain work this way? Because I am a little concerned.

...

So now Mike and I are calling each other nosebud at every opportunity. Recent example in text form:

ME: Hi love! How's my nosebud?
MIKE: Mostly nosey but kinda buddy.

Bluebirds Versus Blue Jays

Bluebirds are beautiful, tiny, adorable little birds that make me happy. They have twee little calls, and if you click here, you can hear an example. So cute!

The only reason people like blue jays is because they can identify them. But you shouldn't like blue jays, and I'm going to tell you why.

In a word, blue jays are assholes.

There are three blue jays who stalk my backyard and neighborhood, and I think that it all comes down to the fact that my neighbor has a Mulberry tree in his front yard, and to blue jays, those berries are what crack is to crackwhores. Or catnip to a cat. You know.

That's all well and good, of course, but blue jays are LOUD. They are shrill and obnoxious, and I think that the three of them have a weird kind of relationship going on, because they're constantly chasing each other around and then two of them seem to hide from the other one. And then there's some switching going on and it's basically wife swap up in the tree.

But I do not judge them for their deviant lifestyle! No, I judge them because they feel the need to squawk and scream CONSTANTLY. Click here to hear the ear-splitting irritation.

Anyway, they like to do this at about 5:30 in the morning every day, and since I try to run the air conditioning as little as possible, my windows are open. And the sounds jar me out of bed onto the floor and I scramble around looking for my gun before realizing that I don't have a gun and then I go to the bathroom instead, crawl back into bed, slowly start to fall asleep when it all starts up again.

And that's why blue jays can go to Hell.

It's a Banner Day, You Guys

Happy Anniversary to my honey. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy and I love him. And he is very lucky to have met me.

Also, he puts up with me and my insanity, and that's the most amazing thing, I think.

Let Me Tell You About Memorial Day Weekend, Because It's Kind of Awesome

The majority of the weekend found me being inexplicably late to important events, and almost every time? My fault.

~FRIDAY~

I left Ann Arbor at three in the afternoon with a packed car. My destination? Wyandotte - a mere forty miles east. It was my cousin Christin's wedding weekend, and I was doing the reading in the ceremony. It was Friday, so it was time for the rehearsal, and it started at four. But you know what else started that afternoon? Construction on every road possible, and a massive accident on I-94 near the airport.

Clearly my route from there is of no interest to you, but I somehow managed to exit the expressway just before the backup, and yet ended up on the million-mile circuit around the airport. On the Friday of Memorial Day weekend.

Anyway, I was far from being the last person there, and did a very nice practice reading.

Christin thought I was awesome.
And she was the bride. So I win.

First off, and thank the baby Jesus, I was not a bridesmaid (that makes me sound so ungrateful, doesn't it?)! Not that I would have turned her down had she asked me, because she's my cousin and I love her forever, but still. I was doing a reading from Colossians, and that was it. I didn't have to buy a bridesmaid dress from David's Fucking Bridal. Or shoes. I would have gone to the bachelorette party in Vegas had I had the money, but alas, I am poor. It was a win-win, if you ask me, especially since I am still paying off the last dress I purchased from David's Fucking Bridal.

Secondly, driving forty miles should take me a half hour at most - and probably less considering I normally drive like a bat out of hell. Of course, that's without taking into account the fact that some dingleberry working at the DOT thought that doing road repair on every. single. road. between here and there was of immediate necessity on a HOLIDAY WEEKEND. Also, there were traffic cops everywhere. I couldn't drive my customary 15-20 mph over the speed limit. It ruined everything.

And that's why I was late.

~SATURDAY~

Mike woke me up early on his way out the door to the golf course, but I grunted at him and went back to sleep. Not long after, Kelly sent me a lovely text, alerting me to the fact that she was picking me up to get coffee and then dragging me to an unending number of stores. After Home Depot and Target and getting a propane tank filled, we ended up at the condo pool. With alcohol.

And then Mike got home from golfing at like, 1:00, and was all, "Let's take a nap!" And I was all, "No, we cannot! We have to be responsible adults and arrive to events on time!"

Just kidding. We took a nap.

My cousin's wedding was at 4. I got in the shower at 2:15. Had I not gone to the pool, I would have been fine, but then again, my recent lack of judgment has more than illustrated my descent into adolescence, so what are you gonna do?

AREN'T YOU GLAD I SHOWERED?
Also, I'm blonde now. Enjoy.

Now, after my journey the day before, you would THINK that I would have known to depart much, much earlier and to leave ample time for the construction and holiday weekend traffic. You know, because I was READING FROM THE BIBLE DURING THE CEREMONY.

Ten minutes before the wedding was to begin, and at least fifteen minutes of traffic between us and the church, I called the Matron of Honor and asked if they were running behind - you know, like any NORMAL wedding would be. Of course, they were not running behind. And WHERE the FUCK was I, by the way?

They HELD the wedding for me.

I am SUCH a JACKASS.

Christin and John. Married.
NO THANKS TO ME.

After the ceremony, as we waited on the front lawn of the church with our celebratory bubbles in hand, I vowed to Mike and my parents that it was the LAST TIME. I was going to improve my punctuality, work on my time management, and improve myself.

They all laughed.

When it comes to my life outside of work, my lack of time management skills really worries me. From hitting the snooze button too often and leaving dishes in the sink for weeks at a time is nothing like me (okay, maybe the dishes thing is - there are too many old roommates who would argue to the contrary). I never used to be that way. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I am going to be... thirty.

There are some great stories associated with this wedding, but more on that later.

~SUNDAY~

Oh, have I mentioned that this was the busiest weekend I'd had in months? Because it was. Of course, I wasn't the one planning these events. I merely had to attend, so you'd think that there would be no problems associated with said events. Well, we can all see how well the weekend had gone thus far.

Mike went golfing. His tee time? 6:50. In the A.M. I, understandably, slept. Then Kelly forced me on another Target run, and we again ended up at the pool.

My niece's birthday party was scheduled to begin at 3 pm, but my brother told us to get there at 3:30 or 4:00. Mike didn't return from the course until 3:45. So we arrived at... 4:15 or so. This time? Not my fault! However, we seemed to have timed it perfectly, because everyone was eating when we arrived, the battalion of children was occupied with pizza, and we sat in the shade and relaxed. And there was beer and there was cake, and we were happy. Besides our idea of fun doesn't yet involve many, many toddlers running around screaming. That makes us stabby.

I brought Alexis a real gift, wrapped with REAL wrapping paper, and not something that I picked up at the gas station on the way.

(Oh my God, like I would ever do that.)

(Okay, it's possible that I once wrapped a birthday present in a Target bag, as that's what the gift came in when I bought it on the way to the party because I had forgotten to buy a gift during the many weeks before the party. But it was from Target, definitely not a gas station.)

(And to think that some people think I have no time management skills.)

Fucking ecstatic.

Apparently, these Zhu Zhu Pet things are the Tickle-Me Elmos or Cabbage Patch Kids of the decade. I have no idea what the fuck they are, but Alexis wanted another pet for her birthday, and my brother was not having anything to do with that. So she gets fake hamsters instead.

Anyway, after a few hours, we left. And slept. And it was glorious.